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Originally Posted by rebelheart26
So my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I've noticed in the past few months he's been very distant and cold. He hasn't been wanting to have sex and I always have to be the one to initiate anything in bed. Sometimes he'd forget to text me good morning, something he would do every single day since I met him. Anyway, last week he texted me saying we needed to talk and told me that we should end it because he lost feelings for me. He mentioned how he's been trying to get back what he felt for me for the past few months but hasn't been able to and it's been eating him up inside. He was hoping to get those feelings back because he cared about me and didn't wanna hurt me by giving up so quick but here I am. So heartbroken and lost. I feel like this is all my fault. 90% of the problems were based on the fact that I'm an introvert and socially awkward. Whenever we're out in public and he's being outgoing and talking to everybody I feel left out and bring it to his attention by telling him and he'd always reassure me it's all in my head. I didn't think it'd get to the point where it would make him lose feelings for me because he knows about my insecurities and always tries to understand me and make me feel better. It makes me feel like he met someone else although he claims not to. I also feel like it might be the fact I gained a little bit of weight and he's no longer attracted to me which he also denies. After pleading him and telling him to give me another chance he said he'll never be able to get those feelings back and that it's not worth another shot. Ugh I honestly don't know what to think anymore. To make matters worse, I have a concert coming up on the 23rd that we've had tickets for and we decided we're going. I'm going pretend to be happy and not let him see me down even though it'll probably be so awkward. I'm also thinking of returning all the gifts he bought me and ask him if there's anything else he needs to talk to me about. If not, then we'll go our separate. I also forgot to mention he texted me last night since the last time we texted each other when we broke up saying "how are you? " and of course I didn't reply even though I wanted to really badly. Could it mean he still has feelings for me? I need advice  |
As most people here mentioned, feelings aren't necessarily something that can stay forever.
Young people often think otherwise. They expect the strong feeling of stomach butterflies to be around forever, when the reality is that the kind of love that holds a family together is something entirely different from that.
Some young people go so far as to say that love, or at least lasting love, doesn't really exist. These young people are just naive.
Real love is more about determination than anything else. Yes, it can last a lifetime. Yes, it is beautiful. But no, it does not depend much on how you feel. It depends on determining to be committed to someone no matter what hardships you endure, to carve out a life and a family together.
When I got married, my spouse and I joined families. Not just to each other. We each gained a whole bunch of in-laws who are now just as much family members as the people we remember from when we grew up. They're all part of the holiday routine, we're watching the kids on each side of the family grow into adults, we help each other out whenever someone needs anything without expecting any sort of payback, and so on. That's what family is to us. Whether or not we let the hot, fiery love of our younger days disappear, we have that entire life as an anchor to hold us together.
Here's another secret. The feelings seem to fade, but if you're really bonded to someone, they come back. Once you get past a certain point, you'll never feel like a twitterpated schoolgirl again, but you'll still feel a rush now and then. You'll still see traces of the old spark. You'll cherish them more, too, partly because you'll be used to a life where they're present but not constant and also because you'll see them as a supplement to a more mature, lasting love.
That's another secret. The feelings don't fade. As long as you've picked someone who wants a lasting family, you'll end up with that. You'll end up with something that feels like a slow simmer rather than hot boiling love. It'll be there for you all the time, and it will be comforting, even when you're not feeling excited.
And another secret. It's all for the best. Strong feelings are
tiring. Feeling like you're in the midst of a whirlwind courtship all the time would be no way to go through life. Having a quieter love allows you to spend more energy on other things. Your partner becomes a source of strength rather than an object toward which you direct your energy.
Early on, it can feel as though love has to compete with everything else in life for your attention, even though it tends to win pretty easily. Fifty years is a long time to keep that up, so it's nice that you can let the more intense aspects of love take a step back.
If a young man makes the excuse that he can't get the spark back without going for another woman, then he's not worth your time. He's worthless until he grows up, because he isn't looking for love, and at the moment, he probably doesn't even care. He just wants something that makes him feel good in the moment, and as soon as his source of good feelings is gone, he'll be off to find a replacement.
If it makes you feel any better, that's exactly the same reason people waste thousands of dollars on new cars every three years.
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