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This ^^ is a factor unique to YOUR situation that the OP has not mentioned as relevant in his marriage.
He was gone 12 hours a day, and often out of town. He has not indicated that his wife was KEEPING him from doing anything.
Of course... I was just sharing my story. It was not intended as an excuse for the OP or relative to his situation. The end result is the same, two people that loose something that is the foundation of the relationship and both contributed to it.
Did I miss something? He was often out of town but i thought it was for business... however some speak of it as if it were pleasure (his avoiding home and wife).
Go ahead hang him in this thread if that makes you feel better.
I'll have to talk with her about this first of all. I wish it can be done in the less hurtful way possible.
First, just get it out of your head that there is a "less hurtful way." It's not going to happen.
BTW-You stopped respecting her the minute you began searching for escorts and paying them for the last 7 years.
Given the age of your youngest sons I'm going to guess that 7 years ago they were mostly out on their own, even if in college. I can tell you from my own recent experience that when one, usually a mother, spends her life raising children, those children permanently leaving the home can be very difficult psychologically. I have a newish career that keeps me very busy, but when my youngest finished college last spring and moved across the country it took months for me not to be weepy. Even 6 plus months later I miss him like crazy some days, and he had been away from home at college. Her life's work came to a kind of ending when they left. I'm guessing she wasn't ready to make any other major changes and you were. Did you give her time or sympathize with her at all?
7 years ago exactly what steps did you take to help your wife? Have you ever discussed any of this with her? Have you ever had counseling? Again, just a guess but I think the answer is that you did nothing or did the very minimal. Have you given your wife a REAL opportunity to change your marriage. Have you really tried to change it?
I would also like to dissuade you of the belief that happy couples agree on everything. Research by John Gottman suggests that couples disagree about 2/3s of the time, even on significant things. It's how they resolve those differences and how they treat one another on a DAILY basis that allows them to overcome those differences. Just out of curiosity, when was the last time you said "Thank you" to your wife for anything? When was the last time you expressed to her your appreciation for all she did/does for your family? You may come back with "Well, she never thanks me" and that might be true, but people treat you the way your treat them. You've been treating your wife disrespectfully and dishonestly for at least 7 years. How is she supposed to treat you or even want to compromise with you on things you view as important when you have treated her with with horrible behavior?
Be honest with yourself. This is all a matter of convenience for you with NO regard for your wife. You can sugarcoat it any way you want. You may think you're being generous by giving her the house, etc. but you have another house. You have an income. Did your wife work while raising your children? My guess is not given your schedule and travel. Does she have an income? How long will it take for her to find a job and be able to support a house. She loses a life she thought she had--and it goes beyond finances.
BTW--your sons' reactions will have nothing to do with the fact that they are closer to their mother. It has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that your behavior is immoral and that you have hurt someone they love. You will lose their respect.
I'm very aware of my mistakes, that's why I want to come clean with it and end the marriage.
I know they'll hate me, at least for a while. I can only hope they understand parents are not perfect people.
You are not wanting to leave because you dated a hooker or two. You are leaving for because you no longer want to be there. No need to mention the hooker part. Keep that to yourself.
Do not expect she will settle for what you are willing to give her. A wronged woman will want blood and plenty of it.
My advice is forget the hookers and try to save the marriage or at least try to end the marriage on a mutual agreement and make it as pleasant/economically fair as possible.
My wife and I have been married for 33 years. We have 4 sons who 32, 30 and 28 year old twins.
Things have not been so good since our last kids were born. She was completely absorbed into taking care of them while I worked 12 hours everyday for almost 25 years until I managed to scale it back a bit.
That gave me time to start looking around and I've been seeing escorts on occasion for the past 7 years. I didn't want to have anything with a friend or a colleague because that could bring major trouble. We've few common interests, we can't come to an agreement regarding the most significant things.
Still, she deserves respect as the mother of my sons and I will always be grateful for the sacrifices she made to raise them. She had much more work with them than I ever did, I admit.
I know there's no way to end this easily but our children have all left and there's no point in keeping up a marriage that stopped making sense. Hopefully I'll free myself and her in the process. She'll be able to carry on with her life as she wants and I won't have to lie or cheat on a person that doesn't deserve that.
She can keep the house and all its belongings, I've a comfortable income and another house my father gave me a few years ago.
I also know my sons will not react well to this since they are much closer to their mother than to me but that's a risk I'll have to take. I hope I can have a conversation with them so they can understand my side.
Any advice or tips from someone who has been through similar situations?
Minus the escort on the side thing, been there, done that. I thought at the time it would be much better to be away from a woman who was more like a sister than a wife. We shared the same house but that was it. Birthdays Christmas and holidays were a formality. After 20 years I had enough. I told myself we could split and I would have a better life and could afford it.
Wrong for many reasons. After 10 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars and two houses and other properties, I am a roommate, I am 55 and own nothing other than vehicles and toys, and will undoubtedly work until death, because I will never afford to retire after buying another house at this age, even though I make fantastic money.
My advice....suck it up and STAY. Quit the escorts and start taking care of yourself. Hope she doesn't find out about your extra activities and try to make the best of it.
An additional thought here: Your wife absolutely deserves to know that you have spent time with multiple escorts. Any sex may or may not have been "safe," but for her personal health she needs to be examined and tested for diseases.
I know it must have been very difficult for her. Not only did I work a lot of hours at the time, my company used to send me around the world for weeks. I was in Latin America, the USA, Asia, Africa, you name it.
That's way it would be unfair for her to keep this marriage as if nothing has changed.
Even though they are closer to their mother, my love for them is unconditional as well.
Did either of you try to do anything to fix the marriage over the course of those 33 years?
I'll have to talk with her about this first of all. I wish it can be done in the less hurtful way possible.
I think the best way to communicate this with her is with the help of an intermediary, such as a marriage counselor. That would keep things as civil as possible.
If you don't want to do that, I would say just telling her you are not happy and have not been for quite some time would be sufficient. No need to bring in the extra-marital shenanigans.
I'm not so interested in the hookers. What interests me is why you checked out of the relationship years before this, and don't mention that in your post. We can only guess that you were a stranger to your wife and kids for a long time before the hookers entered in the picture. The honorable thing to do - which may happen anyway as a result of a court-ordered settlement is that you give you her a lot more than the house.
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