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[color=#000000]I have been married for 7 years to man I love, that has a drinking problem. When he drinks he becomes very angry and very mean to me. He screams at me, says horrible things to me and resents the things I've accomplished over the years. Hes depressed and has been on and off medication for the last 3 years. He drinks every weekend and melts down every weekend. Over the years this has taken a toll on my daughter and she choose to go live with her dad 10 months ago because she "couldn't live with it anymore". I was horrified. He wasn't very good to my daughter, never really bonded with her although she tried. I am ashamed to say, it took my daughter leaving for me to see there were problems in our home. Looking back I know I always tipped toed around my husband, trying to do everything so he would be happy. I masked all of the chaos and always forgave him. My husband always said he would quit drinking, but never could stop drinking for more than 10 days.. when he drinks he drives drunk and I severely resent him for driving drunk as I have lost family members to drunk driving. I do love my husband and I do have many good memories with him as well. [COLOR]
While I was traveling on Business 9 months ago, I met a married man that I had a lot in common with. We both traveled to this same city a lot, and called each other when we were going to be back in town. This was not a cheating relationship, more a friendship that developed as he too felt like he had sacrificed his happiness to take care of his wife which has not been mentally stable for 5+ years. We both planned to leave our spouses at the same time which we did a month ago and are now both separated. Our spouses do not know as we do not want to hurt them anymore than we already have. We both know its wrong and we both have consciences. We are both still financially supporting our spouses as its not their fault we have done what we have done.
When I separated from my husband he stopped drinking and started going to AA. Something he never did before. He hasn't drinked for 30 days. He says hes stopped drinking for me, and that he wants so desperately for me to come home.
I feel horrible for what I have done and dont know if I should go back to him and go to marriage counseling which he is wanting me to do. I can hear the hurt in his voice whenever we talk. I love my husband, I love his family and I know I can count on him. I just dont know if Im in love with him and I know our marriage wasnt good the way it was. I feel horrible for what I ve done, I know its wrong and I want to fix things and try to make things right for all involved.
Oh yes..My relationship with my daughter is very strong, she calls me all the time for advise and I am still am very active in her school life. In addition, she is developing a relationship with her dad.. His wife is doing much better. She is now able to do things she was never able to do before, she stronger and enjoying her independence. Is it possible that we both enabled our spouses to become what they did and that is a result of what they are like when we are with them? Without us they seem better, he stopped drinking and shes becoming independent? I am not giving myself an out, I dont want that. I want whats right. I am so confused to why they are both much better now after we left, as we spent years working to help them.
I am very depressed and feel horrible for what I have done. I often think about hurting myself, I dont as then I will be hurting my daughter... The one that is so innocent in this mess. Please help..
Last edited by jeannie216; 03-03-2008 at 10:11 AM..
Reason: per member's request
You have a lot of things going on here at once. Your husband is actually doing better without you in the picture. You have some severe co-dependant issues that you might want to address with a therapist before having a relationship with any man. Your new buddy was cheating on his wife, that should tell you something about him. You have remorse about your actions and that is a good thing. Instead of thinking about hurting yourself, think about rebuilding your relationship with your daughter.
I would recommend going to Al-Anon meeting, it is the program for friends and loved ones of those dealing with alcoholism. Look in the white pages. It offers wonderful support, understanding, and practical answers to exactly what you describe in your post. Best wishes.
Amazing what happens when the cycle of co-dependence is broken. It is as if you come out of a fog. I would suggest you seek some type of support or therapy to deal with the many different facets of change. Al-Anon is good, a counselor can be great if they have a background in chemical dependency. Good luck to you
The only thing I fault you for, is letting your daughter leave home on account of your husband.
You should have stood up to him and told him, that his screaming, boozing, and other behavior was unacceptable; and that he would have to quit drinking and go to AA to stay under the same roof as you and your daughter.
Instead, you continued to enable him, and now your daughter is gone (although you say she is doing well).
I don't understand why, in speaking of your husband, you said:
Quote:
I love my husband, I love his family and I know I can count on him.
What do you mean, you can count on him? Quite frankly, I would, at this stage, be more concerned about my daughter and repairing the relationship with her, than with your husband. He sounds like he is coping quite well, but you let your daughter down and didn't protect her. You need to fix that first, IMO; it is the most pressing issue.
I am not a therapist so this is just my opinion, is it possible that you are using this other guy as an excuse to leave your husband? It's clear that while you love your husband that relationship is no longer working. Even though he's been sober for a month you and I both know that the road to recovery is long and paved with many relapses. I know that this is a tough decision but in the end are you willing to put your daughter through that. This is assuming you are planning to have her live with you again. Statistically speaking, relationships formed on the premise of cheating don't last, so I would never base the decision to divorce a spouse because you are in love with another cheater. So clearly you realize that this relationship will not last. It's clear that both you and your husband have some issues. I don't say that to be mean or disrepectful but to put up with emotional abuse (I call it that based on my experience around alcoholics and your own words) and pretend it's not happening (especially at the expense of your daughter) says something. Instead focus on what you want, if it is to wait for your husband to get better then maybe this can be a trial separation to see if you would really like to continue on with/without him. But please do not do so because of the new guy, do so because of what's best for you and your daughter.
I'm sorry for your daughter that you saw fit to bring such a distructive influence in her life and tear it apart and even more sorry that you have chosen him over her and now your own flesh and blood has left you.
You seem to have no idea that this man will not be fixed by you. He has to want to change and he pretty clearly does not.
In my opinion, you have stood by and allowed your daughters life to become a living hell, her environment amounts to emotional abuse and by doing nothing you are just as quilty as your drunken husband.
Your choice to become involved with a married man is another example of pretty poor judgement on your part.
Hmmm...interesting. While Im no expert either (Im looking for hot Russian women), I too believe that you let this go on for far too long. At some point, you must put your foot down and let your husband know that you are not going to live like this anymore.
He needs to change....not change for you specifically, but to change for himself as well. And he's got to want to change!! There needs to be some driving force for him to want to leave the booze behind and be a real husband to the lady he married.
If there is any way at all to save your marriage, then do it!! Whatever it takes on both of you, its got to be a combined effort...not just you.
Dont cover up for him anymore...instead, expose him when he does these things!!
If you still love him, and you think your marriage is worth it, then try to salvage it before its too late, but dont take no crap either!! Be firm AND forgiving at the same time.
behind every toxic relationship
there was a good hearted person that went to
the top of a hill and yelled as loud as they could
i want -----fill in the blank ----- so bad i will do anything anything to get it
and the wrong entity heard them.
there are things much worse than being alone.
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), I too believe that you let this go on for far too long. At some point, you must put your foot down and let your husband know that you are not going to live like this anymore.
