Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
The way I see it.. People only use dating sites for 2 reasons: desperation or convenience. OP, you leaving town for 4weeks, well guess what - that's inconvenient for him, so it's back online to fill the void he was trying to fill in the first place by dealing w/ you.. Does being "upset" now even matter if you're just going to try to sweep it all under the rug when you get back...? He gets his way regardless.
That's a good point. I know that there are some people who are in for meeting new people for a high, but the thing that caught me off guard with him is that he put so much emotion and sensitivity into his "act". I don't see why creating such intense emotional intimacy would be necessary for a high. He didn't have to show me his childhood and family pictures, explain his entire work dynamic, talk about the relationships with his friends to me if he was just on a high. He just went too far doing real, intimate, relationship things for a guy who was only interested in a high.
It sounds like you had a run-in with a "chemistry" addict. These people are referred to as love addicts and relationship addicts. They get high on the intense rush of meeting new people. The same combination of brain chemicals that cause drug addiction are responsible for relationship addiction. So you see the same types of self destructive behavior in these individuals. So don't be surprised if they go out of their way to latch onto you. Then, when their supply is used up, they quickly move on to the next source of supply.
For those who've said don't get emotionally invested that quickly--yes I'll be more careful next time, but if someone can tell me how to turn off my feelings voluntarily, I'd like to know the formula. Though in fact, my heart is not that open normally--I tend to be very cagy. I honestly thought I'd found "the one"
It's impossible to turn your feelings off since they are controlled by a combination of powerful brain chemicals.
But you can be aware of what's happening and not act so quickly on your urges.
Relationship addicts have a deep fear of rejection, fear of commitment, fear of abandonment, etc. I'm not saying you are one. But maybe he is? Maybe his fears motivated him to flee when he realized he was getting too close to you.
The following are excerpts are characteristics of relationship addicts:
Masters of manipulation. Addicts will invest extraordinary amounts of time and energy determining what patterns of behavior will produce the desired effects in other people. They learn how to elicit attention, how to elicit affection, even how to elicit anger.
Euphoria at the start of any new relationship. Relationship addicts constantly assure themselves and others that this time is going to be different. Overblown hopes and expectations are attached to each new prospect.
Move quickly from attraction to attachment. Addicts “latch on” to someone with remarkable speed, in hopes of cementing a relationship.
I've noticed that too. I have friends who got married to great men and their relationships started out similarly fast. So I don't know how to use fast in itself as a warning sign. It seems like you may only know when it's too late.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka
I just had a very similar thing happen to me and 7 weeks later I'm still hurting really bad too--and mine didn't last any longer than yours did and he did and said all that romantic stuff--one day he was being sooo romantic and the next day it was over. I do think he was feeling it. . . but then he wasn't. Ouch ouch ouch--so sorry you're going thru it too. I'm also really thankful for the warnings about these types of guys trying to come back. I will heed--I hope. I guess what makes it hard to steer clear of this sort of thing is that I know plenty of people in great relationships who went every bit as fast and it was fine for them.
I can empathize with you both. I am one of those people who dove in hard and fast, and on more than one occasion. Sometimes they led to something great, wonderful, for a number of months, and other times it was short lived and left me wondering "What happened!?!" Overtime I became more guarded and reserved, as I didn't want to repeat past experiences where it's easy to get carried away with excitement and newness of a possible budding romance and relationship. It's so, so easy to get sucked in, especially when you think everything is going great.
What I found in these situations, was that some of these men were coming out of long term marriages and relationships and *thought* they knew what they wanted, what they were ready for, but it turned out they didn't. They were new to the dating scene, exploring, really connected with someone, but ultimately decided they needed to figure things out, date, decide what they're looking for. They weren't ready, even if they said or thought they were. After the initial disappointment subsided I was able to better understand this, and it's also what deterred me from getting too involved or excited about someone fresh out of LTR or marriage, especially if it was a rocky split. Everyone's dynamic is different, but the men who had an amicable split, whose marriages died long before the official split, were more available or ready to date.
My husband and I crossed paths during a period where I was more reserved, and while the connection was immediate and there was an undeniable level of chemistry and amazing compatibility, and I knew he was truly special, we were both reserved, because we had similar experiences in the past. It seemed "too good to be true," but in this case, it was true. Similarly, he had taken a break, was spending less time exploring OLD (everyone goes through these periods), when I came around and piqued his interest.
Im sorry but that's just a load of bs....sad you think this way.
Btw I've dated both very good looking and average looking men, and your statements do not hold true. I once dated a guy who was so unattractive, nobody understood why I was with him and he treated me like crap! I've also dated very good looking guys who treated me like gold, so in short looks have nothing to do with this.
Indeed.
The few experiences I have in common with the OP involved average-looking men. These weren't men who were all "You're not in my league, bye Felicia." I didn't overvalue myself. I knew I was very attractive. I know what/why after talking things over with these men, and it had nothing to do with Akonyo's diatribes. I remained friends with some of them. In many cases, it was bad timing.
I dated really handsome, traditionally "hot" men, but more times than not, I ended up in relationships with men who were good-looking to me, but may not be "traditionally" handsome. My husband is definitely the most attractive, traditionally so, men I've been in a long term relationship with.
OP, 4 weeks isn't a relationship, much less something to be "invested in". Your situation is a good example of the "too much too soon" rule. In just a few weeks, less than a month, I'm guessing, he couldn't possibly know if you were someone he should be invested in. A key to the apt.? At 4 weeks? You should have told him that was moving too fast.
Just out of curiosity Aviva--how old is this man? Mine is 62 and very handsome--didn't you say this man is too? One consolation for us is that we will eventually find what we're looking for but these guys never will.
Obviously I don't know the OP's man, but he MAY have gotten exactly what he was looking for. (I don't mean to diminish anyone's experience by mentioning this possibility.)
I truely wish women would remember that *some* men just want sex, and women should keep this in the back of their minds for the first several weeks of a relationship.
Another thing about sex... It's exciting! Men are automatically energetic, attentive, and engaged when they know sex with a relatively new partner is right around the corner. That makes it easy for a man to appear to be falling in love, whether he is or not. That's why I advocate delaying sex a bit.
(In full disclosure, I also advocate delaying sex because I have deep shame and guilt stemming from my not-so-pleasant upbringing where I was fed the Catholic line while everyone around me was having sex, being promiscuous, and cheating literally right in front of my innocent little eyeballs. I'll be posting about that soon.)
Some people are scared of being alone and always have to have someone to get away from themselves. Your guy might be such a person. What I find cowardly is the complete disregard of your feelings or the time you spent together. The least he could have done, was to explain how he was feeling and end things on a decent note. Unfortunately, hindsight is a wonderful thing and some people are so emotionally unaware that they don't realise the trail of destruction they leave in their paths!
They were only together a few weeks. She got played, that's all.
It's not you, it's him. I recall one I especially liked years ago who acted similarly - attractive, gentlemanly and enjoyed each other's company, becoming closer, his staying with me and seemingly wanting an involvement, yet after weeks together, began acting distant, with no explanation and nothing having been obvious, though I attempted to find out. It was baffling.. as if he was mad at me for making him want this.
It just makes us question ourselves, yet I think there can be something deeply rooted with them...or they are just phony jerks. Maybe they realize that they are feeling something, but don't want to give in to it, being too overwhelming or don't want anything steady, but it would be better if we could know this prior to their roping us into thinking they do.
One thing I want to point out is that, you may have felt it was meaningful in that short a time, but four weeks is nothing and since people become intimate soon, things change. Once people have sex, they begin staying over regularly and typically, females of all ages tend to romanticize things while men might just take advantage of the situation.
This scenario has existed for many years, but things apparently have worsened, with men just wanting to "get in, get out..onto something else" - with topics here reflecting these male and female expectations. Besides this, having regular access to others through technology - expectations, demands and disappointments have increased, escalating pressure. (I see many topics sharing "they used to text.." "they didn't respond", "now it's been this many hours".. "they didn't respond, but now I am expected to do so", etc.)
So much could be spared if people were just honest.
Good post, and I agree. Things would be so much easier if people were just honest!
I think guys who want to get in and out aren't honest because they want to get in and out.
Men can also become genuinely, truely afraid of physical and emotional intimacy. (Guess how I know 😍.) I've had women at my house who I really like and were very receptive, but a fear of intimacy combined with severe sexual guilt and shame had me pushing her out the door (then crying myself to sleep for the next week). So maybe the OP's man is similar to me (minus my sexual guilt), except he freaks out after sex, instead of before.
Guess we can't know for sure. Hope I helped a little. In any case, NOTHING is wrong with you.
OP, I think that this really is a case of just "it is what it is".
(Though, after reading your story, I'm left wondering how many keys to his place are out there, or how often he changes his locks. Giving someone a key to one's place, at least IMO, is a biggish step.)
Was it too quick? Did he get "scared"? Meh, there are a lot of possibilities here. It's never easy to be blindsided.
Sometimes moving quickly works. Sometimes it doesn't. I don't think that any generalities can really be made about timing.
I know with my partner and me, we were both on the same page from the beginning, and I guess moved quickly by some people's standards. By the end of the third week or so of knowing each other, we were spending just about every night together. I think he gave me a key sometime during the second month, I can't remember exactly. It has definitely worked in our situation. Like I said, I really do think that there is an aspect of "it is what it is" when it comes to this. I also absolutely think that there is a bit of luck and proper cosmic alignment involved as well.
With all of that being said, this guy definitely seems to me like a complete wuss in how he handled things. Obviously, for whatever reason, he changed his mind. I would think that even a short explanation would be in order. However, I've been known many times to give people in general way more credit than they deserve.
Don't let this guy get you down. It definitely does seem that whatever the issues were, they were his, not yours. As my dad is fond of saying, there are more horse's a**es in this world than there are horses. Don't give this guy any more time than he deserves. No doubt you'll find better.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Maybe he got exactly what he was looking for
