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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique
This made me laugh. My husband came across these types, into woo. It just... wasn't for him. He thought he could do it, but as it turned out, it just wasn't working for him in the long term. There are levels of woo, and some are just too much, perhaps far more benign than other world views, but still more than you want to deal with.
Totally. And the fascinating thing about her is she is a very very bright senior exec at a tech firm. It's isn't like she is a dolt. It's just something she's into and passionate about. Each to her own. I'm glad she entered my life, and I can rely on her for a different perspective, but we weren't life partner material for each other.
I can't say I've heard of "bring to the table" before here either.
I was given a list of five questions recently. I forget some, but one was "do you like kids", that's fair enough, some kids are good, others aren't. I mean, that's obvious.
Do you have a chin under that beard? -> Huh? I think so? My jawbone is intact.
What do you think of being asked to do manly things like change the oil? -> Ok, I was like GT*OOH at that point and said, se you later.
Lists are idiotic. These people fail at life.
You're a better person than I am. I totally would have fired back some serious snark and then blocked her.
Q. Do you like kids?
A. No. I find them rather gamey.
Q. Do you have a chin under that beard?
A. Do you have a heart under those [breasts]? Maybe a brain under that skull?
Q. What do you think of being asked to do manly things like change the oil?
A. Water-based lubricants are safer.
My point is, even if you don't have a list written or thought out, there's something that makes certain other people attractive to you. There was something about your husband that prompted you to want to spend time with him. Everyone has some sort of filter like that- it's just the nature of being human.
The premise, I think, is that the traits that genuinely appeal to us, can't be reduced to rigorous analysis, and can't be articulated, even to our own selves. In short, we don't sufficiently know even ourselves and our wants, to pass intelligently from a written list of pros and cons, to actual selection of actual partners. Even so, we do have specific desires and expectations, and these should be met by a prospective partner – whether we realize it, or not.
What therefore makes online dating so artificial, is that we're forced to be analytical and choosy, in a manner that is unnatural and ultimately contrary to our own interests.
So then, what about "chemistry"? That is such a broad and amorphous term, that it could refer to anything, and to nothing. Physical attraction? Shared values? Well-aligned preferences on thermostat-setting in the house? It could be any of these.
The premise, I think, is that the traits that genuinely appeal to us, can't be reduced to rigorous analysis, and can't be articulated, even to our own selves. In short, we don't sufficiently know even ourselves and our wants, to pass intelligently from a written list of pros and cons, to actual selection of actual partners. Even so, we do have specific desires and expectations, and these should be met by a prospective partner – whether we realize it, or not.
I don't know- I'm fairly sure that I know myself enough to know, and be able to articulate, at least some of my desires in a partner.
Is it all-inclusive? Nah. But it's a good starting point, IMO.
I do agree that, whether or not they can be articulated, they are there.
I think what I am reacting to here is the idea that this is somehow a negative thing.
Personally, if someone doesn't want kids that's a deal breaker for me. Lack of ambition, also another deal breaker.
How far does that lack of ambition thing go? If I was at my lowest point in life put an OLD profile on POF right now, my ambition would be lacking, I guess. I've got all the pricey pieces of paper I'm probably ever going to slap on the wall and I've made good money and realized that there is more to life than that. The younger women who I meet in public don't give a you know what.
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
If she is locked up, I wouldn't meet her to even have an impression. But parole? Depends on what for and who she is then. I've done many a F'd up and stupid things in my life too. They shaped who I am, but they're not who I am. I would hate to think that something I did at 29 would make me undatable to someone at 40+. If I was, I guess I would hope I would be glad they weren't in my life. Those aren't my people.
Women get a slap on the wrist when it comes to legal matters compared to men. The ex-next door neighbor chick...she spent seven years of her life in lockup. Her brother got 14. Why, I don't know exactly, but she is not what I consider someone who I'd invite to my family functions and that is who she is. She was constantly getting wasted and ending up in the dry tank for many a weekend while I lived next door. Six kids and the one she knocked out before I moved was born six weeks early because she drank and smoked all through the pregnancy. No, I did not want to meet the poor kid, but I played nice.
Maybe you are better than that, but you have to wonder about women to end up locked up. You don't play with that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marie Joseph
I am pretty open and don't have requirements about race, income, or age.
Non-negotiable: Intelligence, creativity, enjoys new experiences, relationship is based on friendship, good communication skills, kindness/compassion, likes animals, doesn't try to be bossy or overly submissive-wants democratic partnership.
I'm okay with different political or religious beliefs. I don't want somebody intolerant of mine or who is racist/narrow-minded--wont' last too long with me.
Other major turnoffs: Jealousy/possessivness, acting like a control freak, overly dependent, abusive, doesn't give me my space.
Guess I'm not too picky?
So, you don't want someone intolerant of you, yet, you are okay with being intolerant of their beliefs?
Maybe you aren't quite as "open" as you proclaim.
Quote:
Originally Posted by katespinner2007
Is there a difference between a woman having a list of requirements vs a man asking himself what a woman brings to the table?
I remember a few years ago when articles popped up about about checking that guy's credit score before dating. I ROFL'ed over that, because my credit score was superb and most any woman who'd think about pulling that mess on me would have gone home, tail tucked. That stuff probably works with guys who aren't generally desired that most women wouldn't have a first thought about dating, anyway. So, I don't sweat those lists as I wouldn't deem those kid of women desirable myself.
Long term relationships start as short term relationships, which often start as flings, and many of those start at ONS.
A LTR is just a shorter relationship that keeps going.
Only if one takes a jaunty, casual view of relationships.
It would be like saying that a temporary consultant, hired to rapidly fix some arcane technical problem in the office, becomes a lifelong career employee, if his/her consultancy is taken one day at a time, and progresses without interruption. But my hiring-criteria for a temporary consultant and for a career-employee are entirely different! I couldn't care less about the consultant's character, personality, capacity to fit into the office-culture, or ability to learn new skills years down the road. I want a fast, skillful troubleshooter. But for a career-employee, I want somebody of good character, whom I could mold into a technical expert over the years, whom I might groom to eventually take over after me. It's a totally different set of hiring-criteria.
I definitely have a list of criteria that matters and that I have in the back of my mind when I meet men that express interest. I've already explained the importance for me in knowing myself and what I want and what I myself have to offer so that I don't waste my time in relationships that will not work out. I'm not going to write about what the importance of lists is again but I will let you know something that was sent to me by a friend that summarizes how I would answer such a question and what I would be seeking in a mate:
In a brief conversation, a Man asked a Woman he was pursuing this question: What kind of Man are you looking for? She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking....Do you really want to know? Reluctantly, he said, Yes. She began to expound...As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a Man what can you do for me that I Can't do for myself? I pay my Own bills, I take care of my household without the help of any Man... or Woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask....What can you bring to the table? The Man looked at her....Clearly he thought that she was referring to Money. She quickly corrected his thought & stated, I am not referring to Money. I need something more. I need a Man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life. He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain. She said.... I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded Man. I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a Man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't need a financial burden. I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man. I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the Leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God. I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I can not be submissive to a Man who isn't taking care of his Business. I have No problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. Hey may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made Woman to be a help-mate for Man. I can't help a Man if he Can't help himself. When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, 'You are asking a lot. She replied, "I'm worth a lot"
I definitely have a list of criteria that matters and that I have in the back of my mind when I meet men that express interest. I've already explained the importance for me in knowing myself and what I want and what I myself have to offer so that I don't waste my time in relationships that will not work out. I'm not going to write about what the importance of lists is again but I will let you know something that was sent to me by a friend that summarizes how I would answer such a question and what I would be seeking in a mate:
In a brief conversation, a Man asked a Woman he was pursuing this question: What kind of Man are you looking for? She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking....Do you really want to know? Reluctantly, he said, Yes. She began to expound...As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a Man what can you do for me that I Can't do for myself? I pay my Own bills, I take care of my household without the help of any Man... or Woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask....What can you bring to the table? The Man looked at her....Clearly he thought that she was referring to Money. She quickly corrected his thought & stated, I am not referring to Money. I need something more. I need a Man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life. He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain. She said.... I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded Man. I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a Man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't need a financial burden. I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man. I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the Leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God. I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I can not be submissive to a Man who isn't taking care of his Business. I have No problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. Hey may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made Woman to be a help-mate for Man. I can't help a Man if he Can't help himself. When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, 'You are asking a lot. She replied, "I'm worth a lot"
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