Why I Don't Do Online Dating Sites Anymore (too young, sex, jealous)
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I've tried now 5 dating sites total (2 free - OKcupid and POF). Currently I'm talking to a lady which is very pretty, single, no kids etc, but I do not have much confidence it will develop into anything anymore.
Why? Exactly much of what you posted.
I wouldn't be the least bit surprised anymore if one day she just stops responding to me. Lost interest and has moved on apparently. It's happened to me now a number of times.
Three rounds of messages, max, then phone call, then date. If you take longer than that, yes, most women who are looking to actually meet someone will bail. They're not looking for pen-pals.
I don't think it can be insisted with any credibility that IRL is "better" than OLD. What is "better"? Depends right? Exactly. My definition of "better" is different from someone else. Our priorities, needs, what we're working with, all different. IME the success I've found online exceeds the success I have found in real life. Both have had their disappointments as well. It is interesting that the overwhelming opinion online is that online dating is for losers. No, that isn't the interesting part. The interesting part is that all these people drubbing OLD are still single... ...
Three rounds of messages, max, then phone call, then date. If you take longer than that, yes, most women who are looking to actually meet someone will bail. They're not looking for pen-pals.
I have to agree. When the connection is local that is. Often they are not. I have done a number of inter-state encounters. Two that didn't last were between the U.S. and Canada. One of my college friends met someone in the UK in the very early days of the Internet and when she graduated and entered and finished graduate school she must have gone over there because a few years ago I saw evidence online (we had long since lost touch) that she was married and living in the UK.
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,375 posts, read 4,066,572 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JasperJade
Three rounds of messages, max, then phone call, then date. If you take longer than that, yes, most women who are looking to actually meet someone will bail. They're not looking for pen-pals.
See...three rounds of messages, one phone call, one meeting, and that's supposed to be the basis of a relationship? That's why I don't feel comfortable with the concept of dating. I want things to develop naturally.
But it's hard for me to find people that inspire any interest in me on those sites. The majority are sexually attractive to one degree or another, but it doesn't rise to the level of "oh I want to meet this person".
Most my age either have children or want children, which would eliminate them. But other than that, many are just in general not on the same page as me. They're "ambitious" or whatever.
Oh well, a relationship isn't really practical for me anyway, right now. I need a better job, a room of my own, probably a car.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,925,282 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by neutrino78x
See...three rounds of messages, one phone call, one meeting, and that's supposed to be the basis of a relationship? That's why I don't feel comfortable with the concept of dating. I want things to develop naturally.
Who said anything about it being the basis of a relationship? No one. That's just to meet and actual talk to someone to see if there is any chemistry. That is "natural".
Pretty simple stuff.
Do you have problems meeting and talking to people? Its fun, even as an introvert.
I can be honest and admit that the odds in online dating are better for you if you're a woman, just from a numerical standpoint. And the odds are better on some sites than others for guys.
So I can see why a guy would get frustrated. Still, a growing numbers of couples met this way or through apps so clearly it works for some people and in certain situations.
OP, what you wrote, I could have written something similar. You nailed it pretty much.
I'm sure a lot of women on here will talk negatively about your post or some will call you a nuttcase but OLD is mostly about looks. I said it before, some don't even read your profile (I'm sure men do it too) and if they don't like what they see, they won't respond.
Back then I asked myself the same question as you and came to the conclusion that they judge a book by its cover very much. In OLD I guarantee you that most of the times, the guy has to initiate the conversation (watch for some who will come and say 'I always initiate and im a girl).
I have hear what you wrote from countless guys in the past most of who were good guys with their act together. They were as dumbfounded as you. My story was that I travelled for my job and was not a fan of the bar scene myself so OLD was what I used.
A lot of these women (as you would probably see on their profiles) are looking for a good man who will treat them right, who has their act together. they are sick of games, they hate perverts. They describe themselves as nice, down to earth, educated, happy, (some overdo it). Yet when it comes down to it, the normal average guy gets ditched for the good looking ahole (that's an understatement and I have seen it).
Then they become bitter about all men, men are jerks, pigs, don't commit. They put all men in one basket and you lose even more. These women down the line realize that it's not all about looks.
Looks will go away, then they are like 'hmm let me message this guy who has been messaging e' They finally read your profile and say hmm why not. It happens all too often.
You might get a lot of women on here who would deny it but they have not lived on a 'man's' shoe. Lets see how many come back and diss this and you at the same time. Fact is, they haven't lived your life and in the OLD world, your profile content matter less compared to your profile picture.
You wonder sometimes. what are they looking for' You know you grow up being told that women like a man who takes care of himself and is nice and a good provider. What the current society doesn't tell you is that what you look like is what will determine is women go for.
Men for the most part are black and white, women are for a fact more rainbow in their approach. They say men are visual, but the opposite is very true. I still hear it from some people I know dong OLD.
Even the women who have kids go do the OLD thing with unrealistic expectations.
Fact of life. Don't overthink it too much. Look at the situation and tell yourself that this is what this society is about. I'm sure there are nice women out there (those who go for the personality and not just the looks).
Online dating absolutely sucks for guys.....but there is a positive. And that is that all the guys you're competing with are sitting at home in their saggy tighty whities eating Cheetos with their belly hanging over their waistband and trying to talk to women online that they'd never have the courage to approach in the real world. So what I have found is that my success rate in talking to women I meet randomly is higher than I would have anticipated and I suspect that it's because I'm a real live gentleman with the courage to start a fun conversation. In other words you can stand out just by not being one of the many guys hitting on women online.
Online dating really had me down as well for a time...but one day I found that I was flirting and then asking out an attractive woman that was several years younger than me as I was buying my lunch in a deli. She was almost certainly "out of my league" by any normal measure, but she said yes and while no long term relationship developed we had some fun and continue to be friends. At that point I realized that there's just too much competition from other guys online, but that only helped me in the real world. (Edit: I should have said too much competition from other weak and spineless guys that have learned how to fake it online)
Fortis fortuna Adiuvat.....just sayin.....
Funny side note....I found that my success with online dating also went up when I first updated my profile to let my arrogant/dominant side show through a bit and then sent messages that were meant to be light hearted, but bordered on being just a bit of a jerk that didn't care if they messaged back. I'm not sure if the improved success is because women like a jerk or if it's because I just let a little more of the "real me" show through. I guess that's the age old "do women prefer bad boys" question......
Last edited by TooncesTheDrivingCat; 02-19-2016 at 02:19 PM..
OP, what you wrote, I could have written something similar. You nailed it pretty much.
I'm sure a lot of women on here will talk negatively about your post or some will call you a nuttcase but OLD is mostly about looks. I said it before, some don't even read your profile (I'm sure men do it too) and if they don't like what they see, they won't respond.
Back then I asked myself the same question as you and came to the conclusion that they judge a book by its cover very much. In OLD I guarantee you that most of the times, the guy has to initiate the conversation (watch for some who will come and say 'I always initiate and im a girl).
I have hear what you wrote from countless guys in the past most of who were good guys with their act together. They were as dumbfounded as you. My story was that I travelled for my job and was not a fan of the bar scene myself so OLD was what I used.
A lot of these women (as you would probably see on their profiles) are looking for a good man who will treat them right, who has their act together. they are sick of games, they hate perverts. They describe themselves as nice, down to earth, educated, happy, (some overdo it). Yet when it comes down to it, the normal average guy gets ditched for the good looking ahole (that's an understatement and I have seen it).
Then they become bitter about all men, men are jerks, pigs, don't commit. They put all men in one basket and you lose even more. These women down the line realize that it's not all about looks.
Looks will go away, then they are like 'hmm let me message this guy who has been messaging e' They finally read your profile and say hmm why not. It happens all too often.
You might get a lot of women on here who would deny it but they have not lived on a 'man's' shoe. Lets see how many come back and diss this and you at the same time. Fact is, they haven't lived your life and in the OLD world, your profile content matter less compared to your profile picture.
You wonder sometimes. what are they looking for' You know you grow up being told that women like a man who takes care of himself and is nice and a good provider. What the current society doesn't tell you is that what you look like is what will determine is women go for.
Men for the most part are black and white, women are for a fact more rainbow in their approach. They say men are visual, but the opposite is very true. I still hear it from some people I know dong OLD.
Even the women who have kids go do the OLD thing with unrealistic expectations.
Fact of life. Don't overthink it too much. Look at the situation and tell yourself that this is what this society is about. I'm sure there are nice women out there (those who go for the personality and not just the looks).
Keep your head up. Try socializing locally.
OK, just a few things. I did take to messaging guys first just because my experience taught me that the introverted guys (on Tinder anyway) who are often sweet were happy to just be matched but were far less likely to approach than the confident jerks.
Looks do matter. They matter to both sexes. That doesn't mean that all women have the same type, and it also doesn't mean that it takes precedence above all else. When I was last single I was still basing a fair bit of it on looks but after the match I asked a series of questions (literally, I had questions that had to be answered) and if the guy didn't answer properly I'd either stop messaging him or unmatch him. They were things like, "Do you smoke?" "Do you have children?" "What kind of music do you prefer?" "What are you ideally looking for from this?" If it was clear we'd be a bad match or were not looking for the same thing, it didn't matter how hot the guy was, I was no longer interested. Yes, this is partially from life experience accrued. When I was younger and more "green" I'd have perhaps been more inclined to give it a shot and see if maybe it could work out despite differences (like the guy being a smoker). I now know from having lived a little that the answer in these cases is always no, and breakups suck and are very painful no matter how inevitable, so don't even bother if it's not likely to work out.
Back to the looks thing. I have friends who their ideal guy physically does absolutely nothing for me. Yes, there are guys who are objectively attractive. But still it doesn't mean they're going to be that particular girl's type just because they're good-looking. A guy could look like Ryan Gosling and if he wears his pants under his a$$ he's automatically NOT my type. This isn't a bad thing. You want a woman who is genuinely attracted to you (no matter what outsiders may think of your appearance).
So just something to keep in mind. Online dating isn't hopeless. It's just that there tends to be more men than women on OLD sites so it's not necessarily as easy for a guy.
Also something to keep in mind is that men generally suck at online banter and creating their own profiles. I got my buddy to let me revamp his Tinder myself and he got more matches. I'm sure if he let me send the messages it would have been even more still. And this is the same guy. He has a gf now though who he did meet at a house party.
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