Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't know that I could ever emotionally trust someone who did that. I don't think I could get back together with them.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
OP, it seems like you're trying to demonstrate to yourself that you weren't at fault for this break-up. Chances are you weren't, but what do you gain from thinking like that? It doesn't protect you from this happening again. There's likely no marker that helps identify who might do this in the future. Sometimes, or really often times things don't work out, at least not as well as we'd like. This seems like one of those times, and further analysis won't change it.
Remember, I'm trying to evaluate myself as well. I'm often the one who does the breaking up and usually it's because things may have been going well and then my feelings just. . . poof. I usually hang in a few more weeks though to make sure it's not just a mood, but maybe it's a matter of working thru it instead? I've always taken it as a sign that I'm not going to fall in love with this person, but maybe there's more to it than that. I am a person who very much wants a relationship too.
As for the rest of you--good responses but I get the feeling that few here have actually read the article. C'mon guys--it will all make more sense if you do.
Couldn't it just mean that they probably weren't ready for a committed relationship?
I think this is it most of the time. People just find out that they're not ready for the demands that dating that particular person brings into their life. Nothing wrong with it. It's just the way they feel about the situation. Sometimes you can just move far too quickly as well, which can kill the passion. I think more people just need to be honest with themselves. If they just want to casually date with no expectations of being serious, then they need to say as such. I think many people try to convince themselves they're ready, but haven't done the due diligence to be ready. Dating is hard work.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,930,903 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka
Remember, I'm trying to evaluate myself as well. I'm often the one who does the breaking up and usually it's because things may have been going well and then my feelings just. . . poof. I usually hang in a few more weeks though to make sure it's not just a mood, but maybe it's a matter of working thru it instead? I've always taken it as a sign that I'm not going to fall in love with this person, but maybe there's more to it than that. I am a person who very much wants a relationship too.
As for the rest of you--good responses but I get the feeling that few here have actually read the article. C'mon guys--it will all make more sense if you do.
There really isn't anything more to it. Anytime I really felt strongly for someone there was no questioning it. Anytime I questioned it, it meant it wasn't there.
I don't really see how....but it's been attributed to my inexperience. I just assume they didn't really like me or they just weren't ready for a relationship, although they would end up with someone else soon after.
It seems like all it takes is some very basic observations about human interactions plus a whole lot of Bull****.
I think some people may get scared, but I doubt it's as many as we'd like to think. If their fear outweighs their desire to be with you, either they have some unresolved issues or they just aren't into you.
I've always found people know they're ready, when they're willing to sacrifice something. Whether it's personal time, family time, work time, or sleep time. If you're unwilling to sacrifice certain things in life, you're just not ready for an adult relationship that requires responsibility. Just think about it. No one is going to do 100% what we do in life, so we have to be open to compromising in order to accommodate another person in our life.
In my experience, I've found that if I'm unwilling to compromise on things, or she's unwilling to compromise on things, then there's a good chance that our relationship won't go very far. I'm not saying that the sacrificing has to be all one sided either.
I'm talking to a woman right now where I've sacrificed sleep and personal "me" time in order to get to know her better. She's sacrificing the same in order to get to know me as well. Our expectations weren't high when we officially hung out one on one, yet things changed once we spent some time together.
I can tell a person isn't ready when they want to stick hard to many lines in the sand. This is coming from a guy that did the same things before and I ended up perpetually single as a result. When I wasn't willing to bend on things, women just took a take it or leave it attitude.
I never read the book being referenced, but when I used to work with couples in therapy (and individuals too), I used to have to teach people that when you love someone, it's not a steady, unchanging feeling that's always the same and of the same strength. Love rises and falls like the tides of the ocean, and yes, I hate to say it, like waves. It's not "ever fixed" like Shakespeare claimed.
Even when you're not talking about a love/partner/marriage relationship, this happens in family relationships too. There might be times when you feel intense love for your child and other times you feel a little cool. Then you feel that intensity for your other child, and then that cools. Sometimes you feel angry or annoyed at your loved one, or angry annoyed at things unrelated to them, and your feeling for them might decrease for a while. But you never really stop loving them.
But in dating/love/partner type relationships, you have that passion thing thrown in too. In the beginning you feel passion plus intense love; that's normal. But it's also normal for those to decrease over time. In good relationships, that initial passionate all-consuming love evolves into a more comfortable deeper love, that just happens to not feel as exciting. Many people make the mistake of thinking that this means they've fallen out of love. I used to have to encourage people to sit with that a while. Wait it out, recognize the advantages to the deeper comfortable love they now feel.
Some people in long term relationships claim that they "never" lost that passion and every day continues to be like the first date or the honeymoon. If they are telling the truth, they are the exceptions and not the rule.
I have a male friend who is in his mid-40s and he's been in countless relationships, and wishes he could find the right woman to marry. I think he's found the right woman at least 20 times. He's very good at starting relationships but not with maintaining them. He still believes that the feeling you get for someone at the very beginning is "love" and that that feeling MUST last forever, or it's not the right relationship. He's sadly wrong, and he's going to remain a lonely guy until he learns that deeper love is real love. As soon as he doesn't feel that passionate-oh-God-my-hand-just-accidentally-brushed-yours-and-I-shuddered-with-ecstasy feeling, he thinks he's fallen out of love and he breaks up with the woman. Some people get almost "addicted" to the early feelings in a relationship, and they feel "withdrawal" when it diminishes. I've suggested that he either needs to decide to be a serial dater all his life and enjoy only the beginnings of relationships, OR he needs to try out a long term committed relationship and tolerate how feelings go up and down in waves, but also go much deeper. On one hand he says he understand this intellectually, but on the other hand, he still seems to be holding out for that idealized relationship where he and his partner have first-date feelings for years.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
