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I am engaged to my girlfriend of 3 years. I recently discovered that she had been involved in an emotional affair with an ex-boyfriend from her college years. He lives in another state, several states away. They dated throughout college, but they had to move their separate ways for jobs after graduation. They both later married and divorced. She has a 7 year old son, and he has a daughter roughly the same age. She has been divorced for about 6 years, she found out her husband had been cheating on her while she was pregnant and immediately afterwards. The guy in question has divorced recently, within the year supposedly.
Anyway, I had started noticing my fiance had been spending a lot of time on her phone, disappearing into the bathroom for longer than normal amounts of time, never without her phone. Always placing the phone upside down on a table. I started notcing these things a little at a time, but after I discovered it, it all clicked.
I work a 9-6 office job, about 45 minutes from home. She works 100% from home for an insurance company. This morning, I stayed home from work because I was sick. I was just waking up and my fiance was in the shower. Feeling terrible I was going to lay in bed until she got out of the shower. While I was laying there, I noticed her phone started blowing up with text messages on her nightstand. It was about 8:45a. I reach over and grab the phone and see a bunch of text alerts from someone. It was just a phone number. But the messages were stuff like "What do you have for me this morning?", "I love it when you make me wait for you", "The anticipation is killing me".
I go into her text messages and there's a bunch of stuff from this guy, no name. Lots of deeply emotional conversations between them about how he misses her, how she misses him. Lots of sexual fantasy stuff. Some very dirty sexual stuff. And of course, the requisite penis pics from him and nude selfies from her. This has been going on almost every weekday morning for I dont know how long. He obviously did not know I would be home sick and discover this today.
This was about 2 hours ago I found this. When she got out of the shower, I confronted her about it. She told me his story but at the same time she said she loved me. She said it was just fantasy and there was nothing wrong with it. I told her I took this as a complete breach of trust, that I considered it cheating. Even if there had been no physical contact. I told her the wedding is off, but she's trying to convince me to stay.
I feel betrayed and cannot trust her, is this something that you can come back from?
I am engaged to my girlfriend of 3 years. I recently discovered that she had been involved in an emotional affair with an ex-boyfriend from her college years. He lives in another state, several states away. They dated throughout college, but they had to move their separate ways for jobs after graduation. They both later married and divorced. She has a 7 year old son, and he has a daughter roughly the same age. She has been divorced for about 6 years, she found out her husband had been cheating on her while she was pregnant and immediately afterwards. The guy in question has divorced recently, within the year supposedly.
Anyway, I had started noticing my fiance had been spending a lot of time on her phone, disappearing into the bathroom for longer than normal amounts of time, never without her phone. Always placing the phone upside down on a table. I started notcing these things a little at a time, but after I discovered it, it all clicked.
I work a 9-6 office job, about 45 minutes from home. She works 100% from home for an insurance company. This morning, I stayed home from work because I was sick. I was just waking up and my fiance was in the shower. Feeling terrible I was going to lay in bed until she got out of the shower. While I was laying there, I noticed her phone started blowing up with text messages on her nightstand. It was about 8:45a. I reach over and grab the phone and see a bunch of text alerts from someone. It was just a phone number. But the messages were stuff like "What do you have for me this morning?", "I love it when you make me wait for you", "The anticipation is killing me".
I go into her text messages and there's a bunch of stuff from this guy, no name. Lots of deeply emotional conversations between them about how he misses her, how she misses him. Lots of sexual fantasy stuff. Some very dirty sexual stuff. And of course, the requisite penis pics from him and nude selfies from her. This has been going on almost every weekday morning for I dont know how long. He obviously did not know I would be home sick and discover this today.
This was about 2 hours ago I found this. When she got out of the shower, I confronted her about it. She told me his story but at the same time she said she loved me. She said it was just fantasy and there was nothing wrong with it. I told her I took this as a complete breach of trust, that I considered it cheating. Even if there had been no physical contact. I told her the wedding is off, but she's trying to convince me to stay.
I feel betrayed and cannot trust her, is this something that you can come back from?
She finds nothing wrong with it?
Sorry, dude ... my heart goes out to you ... I would end it. It IS cheating in my book.
She actually said to me something to the effect of "Friends sometimes send each other naked pics". I was flabbergasted, how could she say something like that, something so far off the wall.
I think it's different for each person whether they can truly move past an affair. You need to take time to process your feelings and heal from the horrible shock of what you have seen. Take as much time as you need. Do not put pressure on yourself or accept pressure from her to have an answer ASAP about whether you two can come back from this. She is the one who derailed the trust in your relationship with her actions, and now she owes you the patience to let you make the right decision for yourself.
If you do decide to try and forgive her, she is going to have to be OK with having very little digital privacy for a long time, being expected to check in, etc. while you attempt to rebuild the trust. If, ultimately, you decide you just don't feel the same way about her or the relationship, I doubt anyone could fault you for that. Just be honest with yourself and with her. You deserve true love. If this is it, I believe it will persevere. If it's not, go out there and find it.
Good luck and I'm sorry about this situation. It's tough.
She actually said to me something to the effect of "Friends sometimes send each other naked pics". I was flabbergasted, how could she say something like that, something so far off the wall.
No. They do not.
Not unless they are pics of a naked shoulder with a rash on it and a question like "man, have you ever seen anything this gross? Do you think I need a doctor?"
LOL.
Or, my personal fave, sending pics that are not of me... my friends are real jokers.
But, yeah... you don't send nudie pics to your "friend" unless you two have something cooking.
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I would not trust her. Dump her like a bad habit. If she does this before you're married, what makes you think she will stop? Plus, they may even be having actual sex. You never know. Hopefully you can find someone loyal in the future.
It's possible to get over damned near anything. Question is: Do you WANT to get over it?
Do you think you SHOULD get over it?
I really did love her. I thought she was the one. She had never given me any reason to suspect she did not feel the same way. Obviosly in retrospect, there were a couple warning signs with the phone in recent weeks. But from my perspective as a trusting fiance, I had no reason to suspect anything.
Your question, SHOULD I get over it?
I feel completely betrayed. I'm in our bedroom right now, she's in her office working. I don't want to see her, even look at her. I want her out of my house. Out of my life.
But I am also very angry and emotional. We can't talk about it right now because she's working.
She actually said to me something to the effect of "Friends sometimes send each other naked pics". I was flabbergasted, how could she say something like that, something so far off the wall.
I agree.
My opinion is that if she breaks down and cries and regrets what she did, she MAYBE deserves a second chance.
But her response would make me throw her stuff out into the street and not look back.
She actually said to me something to the effect of "Friends sometimes send each other naked pics". I was flabbergasted, how could she say something like that, something so far off the wall.
Count your blessings you found out her true colors BEFORE you married her.
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