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Old 02-16-2008, 11:11 AM
 
Location: Virginia
6,530 posts, read 9,220,061 times
Reputation: 3057

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Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
It wasn't a pot shot...in the least....I was kidding with you...that is why I put a smiley face. I'm sorry, very sorry, that I offended you and you took it very personal...it certainly wasn't my intention...all the while you and I were exchanging posts, I meant it to be funny...busting on you, yanno?
I am terribly sorry...it won't happen again...I sometimes get carried away and forget we are not looking at each others faces...so you couldn't see me smiling...and those who know me well in here, know how I do kid around...

I apologize, and reinterate, it certainly wasn't intended and feel very badly that I hurt your feelings, and/or you thought I was being a smart alex?

And I appreciated your insight along with your sharing within this thread...we women love to hear a man's point of view, even if we don't always agree...

I viewed our posts as a learning experience, plus thought, we were having fun kidding around. I've really really really sorry. I forget sometimes how sensitive some men can be, even if I am just kidding....and maybe I would have taken it the same way...I dunno?

Sheesh, the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone.

Creme
Well shoot..... I feel like an a$$ now....

I saw the and not the and figured you were seriously thinking me some sort of horrible husband or something.....

virtual hugs and smooches... Crisis averted...
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Old 02-19-2008, 08:39 AM
 
Location: NJ
7,126 posts, read 13,820,634 times
Reputation: 3868
Default Sorry, I'm so behind, took me days to finish reading

I want to say to the OP that I am very sorry for one. To have this happen and to have to even think about installing a program means you've hit rock bottom and are left with no other choice. I applaud you for making the decision that was right for you. Obviously, had you not done this, who knows how far it would have gone?

I see you haven't posted in a few days, are you ok?

I also want to say that I've handed out a lot of reps, some of you I couldn't rep any more. Lindsay, you are one of them.. for some reason I always feel a connection to your posts. Your words are so true.

I have a few quotes I've collected in the few days it took me to read. I did not want to post until I fully read everything. I wanted to get the whole story before replying.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BeerNPoker View Post
Ummm, wouldn't THIS be stating YOUR opinion as fact???

If it's a matter of opinion then we should all treat it as such....

The internet is a relatively new outlet and is a judgement call at this point that will never be settled on as DEFINATELY cheating or DEFINATELY not cheating.....

It's like Strip Clubs..... Some people think it's cheating for a man to enter one. Some think it's cheating to watch. Some think it's cheating to buy a dance. Some think it's not cheating at all.

So why is the internet suddenly so concrete???
You're very right about comparing it like this. I haven't been with a man that's gone to strip clubs since I was younger (20 years ago), and don't go to them myself. IMO I feel that if I have to look at other men partially naked then why did I get married?

You are also right about the internet. There is a fine line and that line depends on the couple. I've gone to forums, been a mod and have had to pm back and forth with men. There were times I've had to dp a web chat to help them get on the site, but it never went any farther then that. Now had I been flirty.. well that would be a different story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mconzemius View Post
When you married him, did he not vow to be loyal to you? My husband and I have gone through some tough times sexually (after having kids, and him not having a job, financial stress, etc..) and he's never gone out looking for someone or something else. He understood my side and waited until I was ready to get back to where we had been prior. To me, it's a "cop out" that you didn't do enough for him. Yes, men are sexual beings, but if he wanted to be able to get some whenever he wanted, he shouldn't have gotten married. I am a firm believer that as a wife, you need to please your husband sexually. But, as a husband, you need to please your wife emotionally. Generally, the two go hand in hand. At least in my experience, if I am emotionally happy, he is sexually happy.

I can't tell you if you should stay with your husband or not. Only you can make that decision. Good luck and I wish you both the best!
This can work both ways as it isn't only the men that want sex.. or women that don't feel like having sex because of RL problems. While we're talking about a woman OP, this very well could have been from a man.

You are 100% right IMO either way. The problem with life / marriage these days is it is so easy to just bail. It's almost like most people don't take their marriage vows seriously. With my last marriage even though I was being verbally abused I still tried to hang in there until I was very sure it was over. I'm talking sleeping on the couch for 3 years. Not once did I even think to find sex elsewhere.

Maybe it is because I am the child of an unhappy marriage where my mother cheated on my father and he pretty much allowed it. Eventually the kids do find out and possibly their friends. The consequenses of cheating when kids are involved hurts not only the husband & wife but kids as we were all mocked.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bette View Post
Baby steps! The trust will rebuild - it takes time. My husband was put in a position where he was emotionally worn down - he had a lot of work stress which he puts on himself. I will tell you this girl was good, extremely manipulative. She made him believe that I (wife) was not open to his opinions, etc.

Example: She would send him an e-mail (joke)
He would respond - "Ha, ha, very funny" (end of e-mail)
She would respond something like: "Unlike your wife, I care about your opinions!

What she did was interject a thought into his head that he never thought about and worked it. It worked over time. He had dated her prior to our marriage but they had broken up. She looked him up years later after she herself got divorced. There were times when she put me in an embarrassing situation (on purpose) but I was clueless at that point.

His words 4 1/2 years later - embarrassed he ever thought about it, not the type at all. Just a time in his life when he just took the wrong fork in the road. He can't believe he almost jeoparadized all he had for this person.

Stay with it - hope it works - if you can make it, it will pay dividends. And, we are doing great in that department.
I'm sorry. I can't express exactly what I think of this leech that did this. Some people don't care who they hurt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BornInMeLivnInExile View Post
POSTED BY HUSBAND...where he knew I would see it

Personal advice: AVOID all forms of cheating at all costs


Reply to:
Date: 2008-02-13, 10:27AM EST

I felt the need to post some personal advice. If you don't want to be preached to or lectured, you should stop reading now. If you find yourself in a committed relationship and decide to browse the personals section for kicks or anything else you should read on as i have some advice I want to share. I had the perfect marriage...
I see this is your last post.. I don't know what to think about this, or whether I believe him as I do not know him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cobolt View Post
You know...you initially called him on the carpet and he denied your accusations until you provided him with the solid evidence from your sleuthing efforts. Had you not produced the evidence, he would have continued to lie and deceive you.

And ********** "you denied him and were under stress and drove him to this" stuff. Yeah you didn't handle it in the best way and you know you were wrong, but what does that say about your husband's coping capabilities when it comes to the hard stuff in life? What happens when you hit bigger bumps? Does he turn to someone else? More threesome snoopings? Pet store runs?

Trust has been broken. How DO you move on from there?

OF course he is begging, crying, pleading. He got CAUGHT. It isn't remorse. It's guilt. Don't confuse the two.

Dump the loser. And do that whole hot rocks massage and chocolate thing. Much better use of your time and energy.

Also, take my no-nonsense attitude with a grain of salt. Previous experience has given me zero tolerance for rubbish.

BTW...ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS...have a money slush fund (secret cash stash) so that you don't have to stay in a relationship that isn't working because you can't afford to leave.
Good post. I agree that she has to do something.. what I do not know. I do think counseling for one.. and I would also say a temporary seperation but there's another post here where they did do that and everything looked good until she found his cell phone and found things did not change. Him being in the house will allow her to keep an eye on him to see how this plays out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BornInMeLivnInExile View Post
I agree that we are both "victims" of the past year and that's why his clothes are not packed right now. What I don't like is how he ultimately decided to handle our problems. I didn't go out looking for a man who made more money, he shouldn't have gone looking for sex.
I understand all too well for one how it's hard to post to a message board and include everything, it gets long. I also know that things happen as I am living proof of that.

The main fact as others have said is that when the going got tough he emotionally split. This is not what a marriage is about & what will he do if other things pop up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BornInMeLivnInExile View Post
Also, in regards to the spyware. This wasn't something I had laying around the house. My husband and I have been together for 3 years and I've never known what any of his passwords were...not because he wouldn't have told me...I just didn't want/need them. I trusted him without question. It was ONLY AFTER my intuition was in full alarm that I purchased the software just a few days ago....Thursday. And I would do it again in a hearbeat as opposed to staying ignorant of the situation.
I give you credit as it is a very tough decision to make. Once you put it all out on the table, he very well could turn this around and not trust you. You do what you have to do and IMO you made the right decision as what would have happened had you not?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BornInMeLivnInExile View Post
Here's the thing. I've gone through our bank records, credit card records, etc...extensively. There are no out of the ordinary expenses for the past 6 months. One would think if he was starting or carrying on with cheating there would at least be unexplained bar or restaurant bills or something...yes? I can't find a thing and trust me...I wanted to so I could put this thing to rest once and for all. There are no cash withdrawals over $20 either as we both use our bank cards. There are no lenghty phone calls to anyone on his cell phone bill besides to me or home.

I think I am being rational here and not trying to make excuses...but it's hard to tell. Thoughts? And once again, thank you all for all of your advice! It helps me alot to get different perspectives.
What about a pay as you go phone? A few $20 withdrawals and he's got one. I also agree about looking to see where the gas purchases & withdrawals were made.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren View Post
I have been married twice, both times things got really awful, no matter how badly my husband treated me, I never felt free to go out and roll in the hay with someone. Just because he didn't take our marital commitment seriously didn't mean that I had to throw it in the trash.
quoted for how I feel also.
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Old 10-29-2008, 05:35 PM
 
3 posts, read 4,396 times
Reputation: 10
Default kindof in the same boat

i may need your help. i think my boyfriend may be cheating on me. he cheated on me once and admited it. i have checked his internet history, however, i don't know if there's a way to check the times on the internet history. any suggestions?




Quote:
Originally Posted by BornInMeLivnInExile View Post
So here's my story...
We met, fell hopelessly in love and married 2 years ago. 2nd marriage for both of us. We are literally 2 peas in a pod. I adore him and he tells me every day I am the woman he's dreamed of all his life...and I believe him without question as he has proved it so many ways so many times. He always has my best interest at heart. And to say our relationship was perfect would be a major understatement. The unconditional love I've received from this man is for the history books. And he is just a really good guy. Give anyone the shirt off his back.

And then..
We bought a house, got swamped with bills and I got stressed out. For some reason this is my MAJOR stressor. Having enough $$ in the bank. It took its toll on me emotionally and physically for over a year. To the point where I would only want to have sex MAYBE once a month..where as before we were like rabbits. I denied him and hurt him over and over again. He took it personally, thought I didn't love him..I felt guilty and this went on for almost a year and snowballed.

So our financial situations changed for the better in December and like a cure all I vowed I would be a better wife in the New Year. It was just that easy once the financial stress was gone. Back to rabbits!! Back to myself and paying atention to my husband again, I noticed things had changed a bit with the husband and understandably so. However my cheating radar/intuition was going off. There were two instances where he was "out to lunch" with one of his guy friends who he hadn't seen in years. Suddenly they are hanging out again? Other small things as well. Taking hours to go to the pet store? So I did what any techie wife would do and bought spy software for the computer.

Email passwords in hand I got into his accounts and saw what I didn't want to see. He had listed on craiglist for a "casual sex,no strings attached man for woman", also had replied to couples who were looking for a third partner to spice up their love life. So I confronted him about it. He lied. Showed him the proof. He fessed up. He had been doing it since Novemeber....that I could find.

He insists it was only a cyber space thing, he never met anyone. He insists he loves me beyond belief and hasn't stopped crying in 2 days. He's scared to death to lose me...I am his everything. He says he doesn't understand why he did it and wants to get therapy. He's sorry, remorseful, can't believe he would do something so stupid and hurt me ....the list goes on. He's begging for his second chance to prove he can be the perfect husband again.

Here's the thing. I don't do second chances. Period. Never have. Once trust is gone...what do you have?

However, I know he is beyond remorseful. I know our relationship was perfect when I was a better wife...and I know if that stress hadn't hit me so hard last year this never would have happened. No I am not to blame...I know that as well. We are all grownups and responsible for our own actions.

I would really like to hear from people that have been in similiar situations or who just have some advice to throw out there. And thanks for getting through my lenghty story!
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Old 10-29-2008, 05:37 PM
 
3 posts, read 4,396 times
Reputation: 10
i may need your help on this as well. i may be in the same boat as you. my boyfriend admited to having cheated on me once. he states he only kissed the woman...i don't believe him. now i check his internet history every day. he doesn't know i have his passwords, but is there a way to find out the times on the internet history?
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Old 10-29-2008, 06:17 PM
 
Location: Alaska
5,154 posts, read 9,534,971 times
Reputation: 3505
Quote:
Originally Posted by successful134 View Post
i may need your help on this as well. i may be in the same boat as you. my boyfriend admited to having cheated on me once. he states he only kissed the woman...i don't believe him. now i check his internet history every day. he doesn't know i have his passwords, but is there a way to find out the times on the internet history?
If you did the <Ctrl>H, you can right click on any entry and see the time the site was visited. Also, if you look at the temporary internet files and cookies, they are time-stamped when they were created on the computer.
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Old 10-29-2008, 08:50 PM
 
25,169 posts, read 34,421,968 times
Reputation: 6709
awww poor you.......at least he didn't cheat in real life...the internet is just a fantasy land... Cheer up friend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BornInMeLivnInExile View Post
So here's my story...
We met, fell hopelessly in love and married 2 years ago. 2nd marriage for both of us. We are literally 2 peas in a pod. I adore him and he tells me every day I am the woman he's dreamed of all his life...and I believe him without question as he has proved it so many ways so many times. He always has my best interest at heart. And to say our relationship was perfect would be a major understatement. The unconditional love I've received from this man is for the history books. And he is just a really good guy. Give anyone the shirt off his back.

And then..
We bought a house, got swamped with bills and I got stressed out. For some reason this is my MAJOR stressor. Having enough $$ in the bank. It took its toll on me emotionally and physically for over a year. To the point where I would only want to have sex MAYBE once a month..where as before we were like rabbits. I denied him and hurt him over and over again. He took it personally, thought I didn't love him..I felt guilty and this went on for almost a year and snowballed.

So our financial situations changed for the better in December and like a cure all I vowed I would be a better wife in the New Year. It was just that easy once the financial stress was gone. Back to rabbits!! Back to myself and paying atention to my husband again, I noticed things had changed a bit with the husband and understandably so. However my cheating radar/intuition was going off. There were two instances where he was "out to lunch" with one of his guy friends who he hadn't seen in years. Suddenly they are hanging out again? Other small things as well. Taking hours to go to the pet store? So I did what any techie wife would do and bought spy software for the computer.

Email passwords in hand I got into his accounts and saw what I didn't want to see. He had listed on craiglist for a "casual sex,no strings attached man for woman", also had replied to couples who were looking for a third partner to spice up their love life. So I confronted him about it. He lied. Showed him the proof. He fessed up. He had been doing it since Novemeber....that I could find.

He insists it was only a cyber space thing, he never met anyone. He insists he loves me beyond belief and hasn't stopped crying in 2 days. He's scared to death to lose me...I am his everything. He says he doesn't understand why he did it and wants to get therapy. He's sorry, remorseful, can't believe he would do something so stupid and hurt me ....the list goes on. He's begging for his second chance to prove he can be the perfect husband again.

Here's the thing. I don't do second chances. Period. Never have. Once trust is gone...what do you have?

However, I know he is beyond remorseful. I know our relationship was perfect when I was a better wife...and I know if that stress hadn't hit me so hard last year this never would have happened. No I am not to blame...I know that as well. We are all grownups and responsible for our own actions.

I would really like to hear from people that have been in similiar situations or who just have some advice to throw out there. And thanks for getting through my lenghty story!
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Old 05-22-2009, 05:42 PM
 
1 posts, read 1,226 times
Reputation: 10
Sorry that your marriage was only fabulous without stress. Now that things are better, good luck to both of you...enjoy yourselves until the next stress separates you.
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Old 01-30-2012, 01:42 AM
 
1 posts, read 470 times
Reputation: 10
I have a similar story like yours. My husband have internet affairs and belongs to some kind of web site where you could get casual sex. I know that and I dont need extra prove. But, could I do he is the one who makes more money than me and with my salary I wouldnt be able even to reant an apartmen. Conclusion, I have suck it up , I gues
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Old 01-30-2012, 04:48 AM
Status: "Meanest zen master" (set 13 days ago)
 
8,833 posts, read 5,060,244 times
Reputation: 17080
Cyberidiot, may I suggest you start your own thread? The OP posted this almost 4 years ago and hasn't been seen since.
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Old 01-31-2012, 08:43 AM
 
Location: hunt valley
6,314 posts, read 2,854,292 times
Reputation: 2896
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
Cyberidiot, may I suggest you start your own thread? The OP posted this almost 4 years ago and hasn't been seen since.
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