Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So here's my story...
We met, fell hopelessly in love and married 2 years ago. 2nd marriage for both of us. We are literally 2 peas in a pod. I adore him and he tells me every day I am the woman he's dreamed of all his life...and I believe him without question as he has proved it so many ways so many times. He always has my best interest at heart. And to say our relationship was perfect would be a major understatement. The unconditional love I've received from this man is for the history books. And he is just a really good guy. Give anyone the shirt off his back.
And then..
We bought a house, got swamped with bills and I got stressed out. For some reason this is my MAJOR stressor. Having enough $$ in the bank. It took its toll on me emotionally and physically for over a year. To the point where I would only want to have sex MAYBE once a month..where as before we were like rabbits. I denied him and hurt him over and over again. He took it personally, thought I didn't love him..I felt guilty and this went on for almost a year and snowballed.
So our financial situations changed for the better in December and like a cure all I vowed I would be a better wife in the New Year. It was just that easy once the financial stress was gone. Back to rabbits!! Back to myself and paying atention to my husband again, I noticed things had changed a bit with the husband and understandably so. However my cheating radar/intuition was going off. There were two instances where he was "out to lunch" with one of his guy friends who he hadn't seen in years. Suddenly they are hanging out again? Other small things as well. Taking hours to go to the pet store? So I did what any techie wife would do and bought spy software for the computer.
Email passwords in hand I got into his accounts and saw what I didn't want to see. He had listed on craiglist for a "casual sex,no strings attached man for woman", also had replied to couples who were looking for a third partner to spice up their love life. So I confronted him about it. He lied. Showed him the proof. He fessed up. He had been doing it since Novemeber....that I could find.
He insists it was only a cyber space thing, he never met anyone. He insists he loves me beyond belief and hasn't stopped crying in 2 days. He's scared to death to lose me...I am his everything. He says he doesn't understand why he did it and wants to get therapy. He's sorry, remorseful, can't believe he would do something so stupid and hurt me ....the list goes on. He's begging for his second chance to prove he can be the perfect husband again.
Here's the thing. I don't do second chances. Period. Never have. Once trust is gone...what do you have?
However, I know he is beyond remorseful. I know our relationship was perfect when I was a better wife...and I know if that stress hadn't hit me so hard last year this never would have happened. No I am not to blame...I know that as well. We are all grownups and responsible for our own actions.
I would really like to hear from people that have been in similiar situations or who just have some advice to throw out there. And thanks for getting through my lenghty story!
Can you suggest a good computer spyware program for me- I have the same problem going on with my husband.
(2) Also get away from all electronic devices - this means cell phones, computers, lap tops, Kindles, anything linked to data. If someone wants to reach you, there is the old fashioned way. Hotels still have phones.
(3) It will take time. I have been there. Getting away seemed to clear the head. Walks on the beach, long walks wherever, hiking, exploring the outdoors, just some things that drew you together in the first place.
(4) Trust can come back but it takes work and it can pay big dividends. You never know what you had until you've lost it.
Please don't take this personally, but in all honesty, I think you've both behaved badly.
The single most important thing for a relationship/marriage to be successful is communication. When you were stressing out over money, instead of communicating with your husband, you kept it all inside. On top of that, you punished him by withholding sex.
This is true. My ex(?)husband prefer to keep it all inside when a 'crisis' happened with no control of our own. I know what bothers him but EVERYTIME I ask him he does not want to discuss THE REAL problem. He just preferred to give me silent treatment. Going out of the house without saying a word. Then by the time he told me we will 'talk'. He just said we are over.
Shocked by his form of 'talking', and feeling left out, emotionally abandoned days before this 'talk', and me being too proud, I just pack all my things and left. He said we will still talk. Well good luck with him finding me.
I don't think I can look at him the same away again. This is the same man who told me for him, marriage is forever. But he decided by himself, that the marriage is over. What a joke.
So here's my story...
We met, fell hopelessly in love and married 2 years ago. 2nd marriage for both of us. We are literally 2 peas in a pod. I adore him and he tells me every day I am the woman he's dreamed of all his life...and I believe him without question as he has proved it so many ways so many times. He always has my best interest at heart. And to say our relationship was perfect would be a major understatement. The unconditional love I've received from this man is for the history books. And he is just a really good guy. Give anyone the shirt off his back.
And then..
We bought a house, got swamped with bills and I got stressed out. For some reason this is my MAJOR stressor. Having enough $$ in the bank. It took its toll on me emotionally and physically for over a year. To the point where I would only want to have sex MAYBE once a month..where as before we were like rabbits. I denied him and hurt him over and over again. He took it personally, thought I didn't love him..I felt guilty and this went on for almost a year and snowballed.
So our financial situations changed for the better in December and like a cure all I vowed I would be a better wife in the New Year. It was just that easy once the financial stress was gone. Back to rabbits!! Back to myself and paying atention to my husband again, I noticed things had changed a bit with the husband and understandably so. However my cheating radar/intuition was going off. There were two instances where he was "out to lunch" with one of his guy friends who he hadn't seen in years. Suddenly they are hanging out again? Other small things as well. Taking hours to go to the pet store? So I did what any techie wife would do and bought spy software for the computer.
Email passwords in hand I got into his accounts and saw what I didn't want to see. He had listed on craiglist for a "casual sex,no strings attached man for woman", also had replied to couples who were looking for a third partner to spice up their love life. So I confronted him about it. He lied. Showed him the proof. He fessed up. He had been doing it since Novemeber....that I could find.
He insists it was only a cyber space thing, he never met anyone. He insists he loves me beyond belief and hasn't stopped crying in 2 days. He's scared to death to lose me...I am his everything. He says he doesn't understand why he did it and wants to get therapy. He's sorry, remorseful, can't believe he would do something so stupid and hurt me ....the list goes on. He's begging for his second chance to prove he can be the perfect husband again.
Here's the thing. I don't do second chances. Period. Never have. Once trust is gone...what do you have?
However, I know he is beyond remorseful. I know our relationship was perfect when I was a better wife...and I know if that stress hadn't hit me so hard last year this never would have happened. No I am not to blame...I know that as well. We are all grownups and responsible for our own actions.
I would really like to hear from people that have been in similiar situations or who just have some advice to throw out there. And thanks for getting through my lenghty story!
I understand you not wanting to give him a second chance, and I wouldn't either cause I hate a liar. Other than that he did nothing wrong, he didn't actually have sex with anyone, so he did nothing wrong. I wouldn't want to give a second chance for stupidity either, and for that reason when you refused him sex because you were stressed, that would have been the end of the relationship for me. I would have divorced you and kicked your a$$ out. You marry a person because through thick and thin they are your help mate and you are supposed to be their help mate, when they turn against you and punish you it is time to do something else. You are not blameless, even if in your own mind you think you are. You were the first to turn your back on your mate. You did punish him for causing you the stress you had. On top of that you snooped in his email, proving to him you can not be trusted to mind your own damn business. I was married to a woman very much like you for twenty years, she made my life hell and I suspect you haven't been too great to live with either. You have shown you don't deserve a decent man.
Last edited by Nite Ryder; 03-17-2013 at 05:21 PM..
Ask anyone on the board, I am the jaded one so with that in mind here is what I think.
He is clearly a liar, so whatever choices you make, don't base them on what he is SAYING to you. Base them on actions, not words.
I personally don't buy for a moment that it was ONLY a cyber thing and just where did he get the idea to get involved with threesomes? Makes me think he is into porn, thats usually where ideas like that come from. Its posible there is alot more going on then you realize.
I too did alot of cyber sluething, you should also check out things like his charge cards and his phone bills. Remember he probably also has access to a work computer and phone. You may have only scratched the surface.
The fact that he only admitted it once you confronted him with proof should speak volumes to you. AND of course he only admited to what you had proof of, thats no coincidence.
Well put.
OP, knowing what you know, well at least what you could find proof of....And also knowing yourself, no second chances, trust gone, etc, this is a huge deal breaker.
Deciding if you can hang in there is totally dependent upon what you are willing to accept. If you can accept and live w/ these issues, you will. If not, you will make yourself sick trying.
You've already described a year of emotional turmoil just because of finances, what would a total lack of trust do to you?? Explore your inner most feelings. Don't make your decision upon what this man says...He obviously only tells the truth when he can't do anything else...Not a good sign.
It will likely make you emotionally and physically ill trying to overcome what you know already. Ad to that any situation that causes you doubt. Are you both going to give up computers?
Decide if you are willing, eyes wide open to sign on for more. "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior" (unknown).
Neither of you sound like you are in the best emotional health right now...You both completely turned away from each other when the going got tough. You turned internally w/ depression, from what you described. He turned to others, and you really do not know when or why....You of course blame yourself.
It will take complete diligence on both your parts to get back to a healthy marriage. Good luck on whatever you decide.
Last edited by JanND; 03-18-2013 at 09:26 AM..
Reason: spacing
Born in 2008, OP alive for 2 months (signed off in March, 2008 and not heard from again), briefly revived 5 years later, and full resurrection in 2018.
Born in 2008, OP alive for 2 months (signed off in March, 2008 and not heard from again), briefly revived 5 years later, and full resurrection in 2018.
Somebody stop me now.
WHY??!! WHY resurrect this thing after 10 years?? Why do people do this? I thought it was a new thread, and wrote out a whole reply (now deleted).
This is one of those "worse" times in marriage and believe me, you will have more.Work through it, forgive him, build the trust again, and learn better coping strategies for stress, so you don't drift apart.
With some hard work, y'all can turn this thing around. Women are natural nurturers, and that is a wonderful thing until it comes to pain, we nurture that too. And we have a very hard time of letting go.
It's a choice. You both have to make the choice to work it out and move on. And please, don't tell any of your family members, they tend to have too many opinions about what you should do for outcomes that don't even affect them.
Be the wife that he married so he can be the husband that you married.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.