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Old 02-10-2008, 11:14 AM
 
Location: the show-me state
672 posts, read 2,122,303 times
Reputation: 757

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Well, the blame-game can go on forever, in my viewpoint. I vote that you two should work this thing out myself. And, maybe even consider another house with a more managable payment schedule to prevent financial problems from interferring with your relationship in the future. For myself, the most beautiful house on the planet would mean little, if my mate and I were inside fretting and worrying, instead of enjoying life, and love the way a couple should. Understand that I'm not taking sides here, just saying how I would feel about it all. I remain confident that these problems COULD be worked out, and you two could be happy again. Again, my best hopes and wishes for the both of you!!
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Old 02-10-2008, 11:50 AM
 
9 posts, read 36,471 times
Reputation: 21
Originally Posted by BornInMeLivnInExile
I agree that we are both "victims" of the past year and that's why his clothes are not packed right now. What I don't like is how he ultimately decided to handle our problems. I didn't go out looking for a man who made more money, he shouldn't have gone looking for sex.


Quote:

I want to be on your side here and just when you've got me about won over you uncork something like this.... After just expressing that you both pull your own weight in this relationship...

So I'll ask again whether you don't think making yourself physically and mentally ill to some extent and withholding sex because you're stressed over money can potentially make your husband feel about an inch tall?? You JUST clearly voiced why this might be the case.... Complaining about money can EASILY be construed as wishing HE made more, no??
For me it's not a question of him making more money, pulling his own weight, etc. We've never had a conversation about lack of wages, as we both pull down good salaries and we both KNOW that, we know the other half knows that and are comfortable with that. We had some unforseen expenses at the beginning of the year that set us back quite a bit and the financial effects rippled throughout the whole year. There was no "complaining about money" involved. If anything it was more like..."we make so much money how can we be so broke and not get caught up??!!" I just don't see how he could construe that as "you loser...get a better job". Maybe I am wrong??? I don't know. But I know I've never for a second felt like he had to make more, so I don't see how I could be projecting that to him.

"Withholding sex" sounds to much like a conscious decision for me. Let's try this scenario out.. "Yes my dearest daughter I know you don't want (insert cheap meal here) again, but right now that's what we're stuck with." "New sneakers for school?? Maybe next month? Yes I KNOW all the kids have them, I know you need them...calm down...yes...I know"

"sex? now? ummmmm...I am not really in the mood honey, maybe tomorrow? I am just so stressed right now, no it's not you, yes I love you beyond words it just that (insert current past due bill, need for gas in the vehicle, etc here)"

Men are hard wired for sex. I truly think the world could fall down around their shoulders and they'd still be ready to go. Us women....not so much.




Quote:
Maybe you have friends and family that are doing better than you financially where the man has some mega-job and the wife doesn't HAVE to work etc...... ??? I face this EVERY DAY and don't think for a moment that, although we're financially stable it isn't in the back of my head that my wife wishes I made more and we could do MORE....
I am sorry to hear this! I think you're being a bit harsh on yourself if your wife hasn't told you otherwise.

Seriously think about how what you did CAN be construed by your husband..... Just when it sounds like you have, you make it sound like you haven't..... [/quote]

When all is said and done...for me.. the simple fact is when I was holding everything together and experiencing the side effects ...his answer to HIS problems (not getting enough sex) was to troll the internet for sex. Even if he was feeling an inch tall (and I am not willing to concede that) that's not the answer.

Sooooo...I still don't know what to do. I don't know if he ever met up with someone and I never will, unless god forbid he brought something home with him. I love him, I don't trust him. What we had was so good but can it ever be the same?
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Old 02-10-2008, 11:59 AM
 
Location: Journey's End
10,203 posts, read 27,069,843 times
Reputation: 3946
All the advice you'll get from any of us is based on our personal experiences and hence our biases.

My bias is get some counseling to sort out what began when you were stressed, and which may or may not have been the instigating factor in his internet forays. Check yourself out carefully about your own behavior especially with regard to prying into his personal space, and then and only after some considered time and evaluation, make a decision. Hopefully it can all become a wash, and a means to re-building your relationship in positive ways.
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Old 02-10-2008, 01:09 PM
 
Location: Georgia, on the Florida line, right above Tallahassee
10,471 posts, read 15,794,592 times
Reputation: 6435
You've lost his trust. He's lost yours. Hrmm.

If he was getting booty, he wouldn't be crying. He'd be like "Ok, you cry, I'm going out now....to let you cool off."

You turned off the sex. Nice. He turned off his care meter. Nice. Sounds like you are both more alike than you think.

There's a saying...."If you can't get it at home, you'll get it somewhere." There's also what my friend's Thai wife said - "Cook good, clean good, F*** good, man no leave."

I think you need to dump his ass. I think he will better for it. You, too.
You could fix this, but it will take a long time. The thing I find hilarious is that I bet he's not getting any action since this happened. So, he's in no worser shape. He still has a snoopy wife, though. And...you'll never let that go. You might say you can let it go...but it's part of you. You're a snoop. He's a turtle. Things get bad, he goes into his shell. When your wife won't give you any action..well.. he retreated to the Internet. Same diff.

The other thing was ....if You think you had bill trouble before...try making it with half the debt from a divorce. The thing I find most funny...is that that you denied your husband sex, he went looking for a thrill..and that pisses you off.

It would be like if your husband denied you "your basics", you went looking for the basics...and he got mad about it. That's silly. But, hey. It's your life.
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Old 02-10-2008, 01:14 PM
 
1,655 posts, read 3,391,673 times
Reputation: 1827
If he loves you so much and is such a great guy why is he looking for sex on the internet ! He's only remorseful because he's been caught...TOTT.
Good luck !
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Old 02-10-2008, 04:20 PM
 
Location: Pa
20,300 posts, read 22,165,775 times
Reputation: 6551
Once a cheat always a cheat....
Once we break the faith its almost impossible to ever rebuild it. I had a wman cheat on me. Swore on a stack of bibles it was the only time and would never happen again. I gave in and gave her a second chance. Thing is I never felt the fire for her again. Never really trusted her the way I had before. 3 months later I caught her again. Lesson learned once a cheat always a cheat.
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Old 02-10-2008, 05:05 PM
 
6,565 posts, read 14,263,916 times
Reputation: 3229
Quote:
Originally Posted by BornInMeLivnInExile View Post

For me it's not a question of him making more money, pulling his own weight, etc. We've never had a conversation about lack of wages, as we both pull down good salaries and we both KNOW that, we know the other half knows that and are comfortable with that. We had some unforseen expenses at the beginning of the year that set us back quite a bit and the financial effects rippled throughout the whole year. There was no "complaining about money" involved. If anything it was more like..."we make so much money how can we be so broke and not get caught up??!!" I just don't see how he could construe that as "you loser...get a better job". Maybe I am wrong??? I don't know. But I know I've never for a second felt like he had to make more, so I don't see how I could be projecting that to him.
LOL!!! I think if you'd have just posted the long and boring version that you said you did and hadn't edited it we could have spared ourselves all of this....

I know what you're saying here.... 'We make plenty of money, so why are we broke???'... Got it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BornInMeLivnInExile
"Withholding sex" sounds to much like a conscious decision for me. Let's try this scenario out.. "Yes my dearest daughter I know you don't want (insert cheap meal here) again, but right now that's what we're stuck with." "New sneakers for school?? Maybe next month? Yes I KNOW all the kids have them, I know you need them...calm down...yes...I know"

"sex? now? ummmmm...I am not really in the mood honey, maybe tomorrow? I am just so stressed right now, no it's not you, yes I love you beyond words it just that (insert current past due bill, need for gas in the vehicle, etc here)"
Again.... This isn't how you made it sound at all in your first posts... You specifically used words like "Neglect" and "I denied him" and such. If nothing else maybe me putting you on the defensive a bit is helping you sort out what you really think is going on here.... Because you sound like you share responsibility for how you have behaved (for lack of a better word) over the last year. But then when I remind you of what you said you defend yourself vehemently......

So which is it??? What really happened there???

Were you too stressed to pay any attention to your husband and he just took it personally for some stupid reason??

OR

Do you think there was some honest neglect there and he had a right to take it personally???

Quote:
Originally Posted by BornInMeLivnInExile
Men are hard wired for sex. I truly think the world could fall down around their shoulders and they'd still be ready to go. Us women....not so much.
Can't deny this.... It's been my experience as well..



Quote:
Originally Posted by BornInMeLivnInExile
I am sorry to hear this! I think you're being a bit harsh on yourself if your wife hasn't told you otherwise.
It's always in the back of my head but I get by..... No my wife has never said anything of the sort. I work in a career where I could easily go out into the private sector and make more money if I'm willing to make a longer commute with less time off, but she's made it clear that quality of life is more important so there we are...... More money would be nice though..

Anyway thanks for the sentiment.


Quote:
Originally Posted by BornInMeLivnInExile
When all is said and done...for me.. the simple fact is when I was holding everything together and experiencing the side effects ...his answer to HIS problems (not getting enough sex) was to troll the internet for sex. Even if he was feeling an inch tall (and I am not willing to concede that) that's not the answer.

Sooooo...I still don't know what to do. I don't know if he ever met up with someone and I never will, unless god forbid he brought something home with him. I love him, I don't trust him. What we had was so good but can it ever be the same?
Again, I think the answer lies with you on this... There is a difference between a reason and an excuse and let me be clear that I'm not trying to offer up an excuse for what he's done but simply give you potential insight into the line of reasoning (no matter how warped it may seem) used in making his mistakes...

Bottom line (and it's WAY too fresh to really know, I understand) is if you cannot let it go and believe him that nothing really happened, or if you don't believe that given time your stress over not knowing the answer to that question for sure will fade, then I think you need to be fair to yourself on this..... You've already shown that stress weighing on your mind doesn't help get you in the mood. Obviously this on your mind isn't going to help the ole libido, right??? So talk about snowballing......

I don't really know if I have anything else to offer here, but good luck to you..
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Old 02-10-2008, 05:15 PM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,757 posts, read 35,364,102 times
Reputation: 6960
You may want to work this out with him and you might be able to but don't believe for a minute that it can be done if he is still lying to you.

The reality is, remember you said he lied to your face when you confronted him UNTIL you told him you had proof and then he only admited to what you already knew. I have been there, common sense should tell you he is only going to own up to what he HAS TO. My intuition is that he is hiding something else for fear of loosing you. Any reconciliation built on dishonesty will not be lasting.

Every marriage has problems but to compare what you did to infidelity just dosen't make sense to me. People get stressed and worried, thats how life is but to break your marriage vows by cheating doesn't make sense.

If you have noticed a difference in his schedule as you say when he is away from home, ask yourself, what do you think he was doing, spending that time at the library or an internet cafe on the computer? Chances are he was meeting people.

Unfortunately some people feel like its a mans right to demand sex in a marriage and if for whatever reason he isn't getting it, he has the right (or justification) to step outside the marriage, well thats just BS.
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Old 02-11-2008, 08:32 AM
 
308 posts, read 743,774 times
Reputation: 99
I've heard a very good saying... "once a cheater... always a cheater"

Why has it become such a normal thing that cheating (in any form) can now be forgiven the first... or even a second time?? hmmmmm

Break the chain of repetetiveness by stoppin' it before it gets out of hand... My opinion.
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Old 02-11-2008, 08:42 AM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,757 posts, read 35,364,102 times
Reputation: 6960
Quote:
Originally Posted by firekeg View Post
I've heard a very good saying... "once a cheater... always a cheater"

Why has it become such a normal thing that cheating (in any form) can now be forgiven the first... or even a second time?? hmmmmm

Break the chain of repetetiveness by stoppin' it before it gets out of hand... My opinion.
I agree, its not something I could forget personally. But alot of people want to try and make it work. I think the act of cheating is something more like them being a dishonest person, people who live their life that way, live by lying.
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