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So here's my story...
We met, fell hopelessly in love and married 2 years ago. 2nd marriage for both of us. We are literally 2 peas in a pod. I adore him and he tells me every day I am the woman he's dreamed of all his life...and I believe him without question as he has proved it so many ways so many times. He always has my best interest at heart. And to say our relationship was perfect would be a major understatement. The unconditional love I've received from this man is for the history books. And he is just a really good guy. Give anyone the shirt off his back.
And then..
We bought a house, got swamped with bills and I got stressed out. For some reason this is my MAJOR stressor. Having enough $$ in the bank. It took its toll on me emotionally and physically for over a year. To the point where I would only want to have sex MAYBE once a month..where as before we were like rabbits. I denied him and hurt him over and over again. He took it personally, thought I didn't love him..I felt guilty and this went on for almost a year and snowballed.
So our financial situations changed for the better in December and like a cure all I vowed I would be a better wife in the New Year. It was just that easy once the financial stress was gone. Back to rabbits!! Back to myself and paying atention to my husband again, I noticed things had changed a bit with the husband and understandably so. However my cheating radar/intuition was going off. There were two instances where he was "out to lunch" with one of his guy friends who he hadn't seen in years. Suddenly they are hanging out again? Other small things as well. Taking hours to go to the pet store? So I did what any techie wife would do and bought spy software for the computer.
Email passwords in hand I got into his accounts and saw what I didn't want to see. He had listed on craiglist for a "casual sex,no strings attached man for woman", also had replied to couples who were looking for a third partner to spice up their love life. So I confronted him about it. He lied. Showed him the proof. He fessed up. He had been doing it since Novemeber....that I could find.
He insists it was only a cyber space thing, he never met anyone. He insists he loves me beyond belief and hasn't stopped crying in 2 days. He's scared to death to lose me...I am his everything. He says he doesn't understand why he did it and wants to get therapy. He's sorry, remorseful, can't believe he would do something so stupid and hurt me ....the list goes on. He's begging for his second chance to prove he can be the perfect husband again.
Here's the thing. I don't do second chances. Period. Never have. Once trust is gone...what do you have?
However, I know he is beyond remorseful. I know our relationship was perfect when I was a better wife...and I know if that stress hadn't hit me so hard last year this never would have happened. No I am not to blame...I know that as well. We are all grownups and responsible for our own actions.
I would really like to hear from people that have been in similiar situations or who just have some advice to throw out there. And thanks for getting through my lenghty story!
Ask anyone on the board, I am the jaded one so with that in mind here is what I think.
He is clearly a liar, so whatever choices you make, don't base them on what he is SAYING to you. Base them on actions, not words.
I personally don't buy for a moment that it was ONLY a cyber thing and just where did he get the idea to get involved with threesomes? Makes me think he is into porn, thats usually where ideas like that come from. Its posible there is alot more going on then you realize.
I too did alot of cyber sluething, you should also check out things like his charge cards and his phone bills. Remember he probably also has access to a work computer and phone. You may have only scratched the surface.
The fact that he only admitted it once you confronted him with proof should speak volumes to you. AND of course he only admited to what you had proof of, thats no coincidence.
BIMLIE, as the old saw goes; "Are you better off with or without him"? Only YOU (not some jaded OLD man-hater on a message board...) can decide that. Go get counseling with him. If he won't go, go yourself and get things starightened out. Sometimes people don't think clearly under stress. Since I don't know all the facts, I'm not even try to make any judgements. Best of luck to you both!
Counseling is a good tool for both of you-go alone if need be. But since you don't REALLY know what went on I suggest strongly you go get yourself tested for any kind of STD. This is one time you are much better safe than sorry!
We bought a house, got swamped with bills and I got stressed out. For some reason this is my MAJOR stressor. Having enough $$ in the bank. It took its toll on me emotionally and physically for over a year. To the point where I would only want to have sex MAYBE once a month..where as before we were like rabbits. I denied him and hurt him over and over again. He took it personally, thought I didn't love him..I felt guilty and this went on for almost a year and snowballed.
Since you apparently don't believe in "taking things personally," I suggest you don't take this situation personally, and forgive your husband and move on with your life. JMO.
Please don't take this personally, but in all honesty, I think you've both behaved badly.
The single most important thing for a relationship/marriage to be successful is communication. When you were stressing out over money, instead of communicating with your husband, you kept it all inside. On top of that, you punished him by withholding sex.
Whether or not he followed up on any communications from Craigslist, I don't know. It certainly wasn't right of him to do this - he should have been communicating with you, rather than looking elsewhere. But be honest - how approachable were you during that year? Would you have been open to discussing your situation?
The third thing I find disturbing is that you actually spied on him. Even though you discovered that he wasn't being truthful, I still don't think the end justifies the means. He betrayed you, but you also betrayed him - both by making yourself unavailable emotionally and physically, as well as by spying.
I'm not normally one to give second chances either. However, from what I can tell by your post, you both have a great deal of love for each other. The trust may be gone (not just for you, but for him as well), but I don't think the love is. I strongly suggest the two of you seek marriage counseling - not only to try to save your marriage, but also to learn how to deal with stressful issues that will arise. Trust me - no relationship is perfect 100% of the time, and many of them go through very stressful circumstances. It's so important to learn how to lean on each other when times are tough, rather than moving apart.
Email passwords in hand I got into his accounts and saw what I didn't want to see. He had listed on craiglist for a "casual sex,no strings attached man for woman", also had replied to couples who were looking for a third partner to spice up their love life. So I confronted him about it. He lied. Showed him the proof. He fessed up. He had been doing it since Novemeber....that I could find.
I think that the internet really provides people with the chance to show sides of themselves they wouldn't show otherwise...
And I think that some people really do get a charge out of this, knowing that it will never lead to anything.
The real life stuff--taking hours to go to the pet store et all would bother me more than the internet thing. But they could be related somehow.
Unless he's willing to get into serious marriage counseling I'd toss him and sign up for a year of hot rocks massages and buy a bunch of Belgian chocolate.
And I think that some people really do get a charge out of this, knowing that it will never lead to anything.
This is quoted for truth... An outlet to actually get the thrill of pursuit without ever actually acting upon it. Participation on a site like this doesn't AT ALL mean anyone's actually following through with it.... In fact if you go looking up and down dating sites you'll see profiles littered with requests for "being genuine". This is not only due to people mis-representing themselves, but people who goof around with these sites without any real intent of EVER meeting.... JMO
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metlakatla
Unless he's willing to get into serious marriage counseling I'd toss him and sign up for a year of hot rocks massages and buy a bunch of Belgian chocolate.
I think it's easier than that..... This is something that can be easily talked through if she's willing to ask the tough questions and face up to the fact that she's guilty of a little neglect as well.....
I suppose counseling would work as well, but shouldn't really take more than a couple of sessions to air out everything..... This relationship is suffering from a lack of communication plain and simple and doesn't have to end....
On a side note I find it funny that you're asking whether you should give HIM a second chance when MONEY...... COLD HARD MONEY was your reasoning behind sexually kicking him to the curb and questioning your love for him..... That's some straight B.S. right there... And now financially things are going good and you're "willing" to be lovey dovey again??? I think YOU need as much of a reality check as he does quite honestly.... Sorry...
So here's my story...
We met, fell hopelessly in love and married 2 years ago. 2nd marriage for both of us. We are literally 2 peas in a pod. I adore him and he tells me every day I am the woman he's dreamed of all his life...and I believe him without question as he has proved it so many ways so many times. He always has my best interest at heart. And to say our relationship was perfect would be a major understatement. The unconditional love I've received from this man is for the history books. And he is just a really good guy. Give anyone the shirt off his back.
And then..
We bought a house, got swamped with bills and I got stressed out. For some reason this is my MAJOR stressor. Having enough $$ in the bank. It took its toll on me emotionally and physically for over a year. To the point where I would only want to have sex MAYBE once a month..where as before we were like rabbits. I denied him and hurt him over and over again. He took it personally, thought I didn't love him..I felt guilty and this went on for almost a year and snowballed.
So our financial situations changed for the better in December and like a cure all I vowed I would be a better wife in the New Year. It was just that easy once the financial stress was gone. Back to rabbits!! Back to myself and paying atention to my husband again, I noticed things had changed a bit with the husband and understandably so. However my cheating radar/intuition was going off. There were two instances where he was "out to lunch" with one of his guy friends who he hadn't seen in years. Suddenly they are hanging out again? Other small things as well. Taking hours to go to the pet store? So I did what any techie wife would do and bought spy software for the computer.
Email passwords in hand I got into his accounts and saw what I didn't want to see. He had listed on craiglist for a "casual sex,no strings attached man for woman", also had replied to couples who were looking for a third partner to spice up their love life. So I confronted him about it. He lied. Showed him the proof. He fessed up. He had been doing it since Novemeber....that I could find.
He insists it was only a cyber space thing, he never met anyone. He insists he loves me beyond belief and hasn't stopped crying in 2 days. He's scared to death to lose me...I am his everything. He says he doesn't understand why he did it and wants to get therapy. He's sorry, remorseful, can't believe he would do something so stupid and hurt me ....the list goes on. He's begging for his second chance to prove he can be the perfect husband again.
Here's the thing. I don't do second chances. Period. Never have. Once trust is gone...what do you have?
However, I know he is beyond remorseful. I know our relationship was perfect when I was a better wife...and I know if that stress hadn't hit me so hard last year this never would have happened. No I am not to blame...I know that as well. We are all grownups and responsible for our own actions.
I would really like to hear from people that have been in similiar situations or who just have some advice to throw out there. And thanks for getting through my lenghty story!
If he is the man you say he is, he would not be cheating on you. If he loves you and you are the woman of his dreams, he would not be cheating on you. It's not your fault he's a jerk and he's cheating on you. If he is the man you say he is, you would be able to trust him and he would not hurt you in this way. A real man will not cheat on his wife just because she's going through a stressful time and decides not to be like a rabbit.
He's sorry and he's crying because he got caught.
Forget the counseling. I don't see what good that does. He's a cheat and he's not going to change because some counselor talked to him. A counselor is not going to make this guy see the light.
Listen to your intuition and don't give him a second chance or you'll go through the same thing again later. Once a cheat, always a cheat.
I guess for me the big questions for me would be:
Was he just doing a porn thing on the internet? If so, no biggy. Talk about it and work out the kinks.
Was he actually meeting folks for sex? Game over. Especially the threesome thing. If he is doing that, he has graduated.
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