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My boyfriend and I have known each other for 5 years now. We were not always a couple, for a lot of reasons (college, mental health issues, etc.). As of now, we've been steady for a year and a half, and it's pretty certain in our minds that's not changing (we're both 20). Another important thing to mention is that we live in different cities, and have pretty much lived from an hour drive to a 3 hour plane ride away from each other for about 90% of our entire relationship.
It's definitely affected how we function today, which gets into what I'm concerned about now. We seem to be in this gridlock mode. When we visit each other, things are great at first, but then an argument erupts. Some times things get bad and someone winds up trying to walk out and give up.
My question is, how do we get over this hump? We get so analytical of one another, we're too sensitive to what the other person does, and even more analytical of ourselves. When we're not together I start forming this idea of what I think he is and then I look forward to this imaginary image of him so that when I'm actually around him I feel this irrational disappointment. I recognize that's wrong, because I love him for who his is. But it's something my brain just does, it's illogical, but it's developed over all this time of being apart for long periods of time.
I do it with myself as well. For example, I get obsessed with the idea that he would rather me be an Asian girl. I know that's weird and he tells me that's not the case, but his ex was Asian, and I know he sometimes looks at Asian porn, and he LOVES Japanese culture, so I just get this little thought planted in my head that if I was Asian maybe I'd be better for him and make him happier. Then I start beating myself up about my body and image and I wind up bumming him out by being depressed.
I know I need to work on my self-esteem, self-respect, and patience. I try to focus on him and making him happier but it all just seems so overwhelming as a whole and I feel like I'll never quite reach this goal of what I think will make him happy. I know it's not a goal he specifically made, it's my own pressure on myself, and I don't know how to get past it.
We both try really hard, and we're there for each other and support each other, but I don't know how we can stop arguing the few times we actually spend time together. We'll be laughing at Oprah's "I love bread" commercial one moment and then I'll be packing my bags the next. It makes me scared, but I know we'll get past it, I was just wondering if some people here could give any pointers.. thanks
Find someone who lives in your city. Or better yet, find a lot of someones. You are young and still getting to know yourself. This is your time to be wild and free and exploratory, not tied down to someone who obviously doesn't make you feel happy and fulfilled. Long distance relationships are fantasy relationships anyway--you should be on cloud 9 when you are together. You can barely stand to be in his presence. Cut your losses and move onward and upward from here.
I think it's a pretty bad sign you are barely ever together and when you are together you always end up fighting. My boyfriend and I have never lived in the same city since we met. We rarely fight and when I see him in person, the reality of him is so much better than anything I could make up in my head. Sounds like you two just aren't a match.
You are like pen pals who have shared a lot of stuff but in the end aren't right for each other.
Until you live in the same city and deal with actual real life, it will always be like this. You're only 20. Time to move on and stop depending on each other for comfort. It's not working.
You are in love with the idealized version of him, rather than the real him.
It sounds like you don't have any role models for what healthy relationships look like. I have to guess that your parents relationship was not so great.
You guys sound too young for a relationship. Just because you've known each other since you were 15 doesn't mean you belong in a relationship together. Give yourselves time to mature. Take a break and go out and see the world, experience other people.
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