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Old 03-14-2016, 03:09 PM
 
4 posts, read 2,815 times
Reputation: 14

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Hey all: I know this will be long so I hope you bear with me. I have all of these emotions and thoughts running through my head but I am too private of a person to want to share me and my SO's relationship in such detail, so I thought I would turn here for some objectivity.

My SO and I have been dating for exactly a year yesterday. When we met he was going through a divorce. I was wary of this but it had been so long since I liked anyone that much that I gave him a shot. He worked his butt off to get me (great communication, compliments, put in a ton of time with me, was emotionally vulnerable, etc) The divorce went through and he moved closer to me (he was in a house about an hour away initially). After everything was settled, I fell hard for him. He made me feel so secure and desired and adored.

Starting in Sept/Oct, my insecurities started to take hold. I was worried about his ex (not about them getting together but that he was happier with her, that I was second place, that I was a consolation prize). Some of the initial honeymoon stuff was wearing off and that made me feel like he was less attracted to me, enamored with me, etc. I admittedly got needy and it caused us to get into silly fights and some unnecessary tension. But there were some things that bothered me that were legit (I feel) He became less expressive. Still complimented me but wouldn't say much about his feelings for me unless I asked or about our future (though every time I ask he insisted he sees this as long term) Never made anymore comments about our future or me meeting his family (they are long distance) or future vacations, etc. I would find out things bothered him weeks or months later. And finally (the worst for me) is he still has not said I love you. I have said it twice so far but he has not initiated it back. Overall I just stopped feeling secure.

Now the good: he still spends a great deal of his free time with me. Always texts me and talks with me throughout the day. Spends a ton of time with my family and friends. Treats his apartment like it is ours. Is always appreciative of the things I do for him. Still physically affectionate. When I do feel I need to bring up a problem to him he is always supportive and engaging when we talk. While he has not said I love you he insists I mean a great deal to him and he cares for me immensely.

Moving on to yesterday when we had a really tough talk that prompted this post: We got into a convo about his lack of communicating his feelings. This lead into him telling me how he feels directionless. He doesn't like where we live (he only moved here for the ex-wife) and doesn't see it as home but doesn't know where he would go. Also, he doesn't see himself working where he works but doesn't know what else he wants to do. his apt lease is up in a month and he has no clue whether to renew or move on or buy. Basically said he feels like now that the dust has settled from all the divorce drama he feels stuck and doesn't know what to do next. However, through all this he said I was the only thing making it good and he has no doubts he wants to be with me. Now this was my biggest fear: that he would start to feel this way (but mainly about me) after everything had settled. And even though it isn't about me right now, I am so afraid it will be. That he will see me as someone tying him down after his marriage. Especially with him not being able to say I love you, I feel like the feelings won't be enough to make him want to work at it with me and someday soon I will be the thing that is making him feel stuck. Today he told me I am the most important thing in his life and that he just wants to be with me but it scares me so much.

So here I am not knowing what to do. I can't dwell on it with him. I don't want to make something he opened up to me about and turn it into something about me; I know that will scare him off from doing it in the future. I want to stand by him but I am so afraid of being hurt. Half the time my gut tells me we won't end up together and the other half of the time it tells me I am being silly and we are still new and have time to develop and he is giving me all the signs he wants to be with me. I just need some honest advice. Does it sound like I am grasping at straws when he is giving me indications that we don't have a future? Or am I just being unnecessarily insecure and need to give him time if I care as much as I say I do? If I stick it out and see where it goes, how do I still support him and protect myself from worrying or hoping too much for the future?
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Old 03-14-2016, 03:19 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,685,303 times
Reputation: 98359
Well, for one thing, it does sound like you are having a hard time seeing things from his perspective. After all, he was STILL officially married when he met you. He has been through hell and probably (rightfully) is wary of saying he loves you given what he's been through.

Also, all of this anxiety:

Quote:
Originally Posted by nygiantsgal13 View Post

I was worried about his ex...

Some of the initial honeymoon stuff was wearing off and that made me feel like he was less attracted to me, enamored with me, etc.

I admittedly got needy and it caused us to get into silly fights and some unnecessary tension.

(though every time I ask he insisted he sees this as long term)

I just stopped feeling secure.

Now this was my biggest fear: that he would start to feel this way (but mainly about me) after everything had settled. And even though it isn't about me right now, I am so afraid it will be. That he will see me as someone tying him down after his marriage.

Especially with him not being able to say I love you, I feel like the feelings won't be enough to make him want to work at it with me and someday soon I will be the thing that is making him feel stuck. Today he told me I am the most important thing in his life and that he just wants to be with me but it scares me so much.
... is a problem.

Have you heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?

If you don't relax, you are without a doubt going to drive him away.

Think about it ... you ARE tying him down. But he keeps reminding you that he wants to be there. So why insist on continually asking him if he minds being tied down????

Love requires trust, which requires vulnerability. Either you trust him to be honest with you or you don't. How many more hoops do you want him to jump through? You also need to consider that he may not actually be in love with you.

Also, PLEASE keep in mind that "my lease is up" is NOT enough reason to move in together. There is absolutely no rush and no guarantee that that needs to be "the next step" for you two.
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Old 03-14-2016, 03:22 PM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,405 posts, read 34,546,688 times
Reputation: 73489
You already know you may have ended up (unintentionally) his rebound. It's just the normal psychology of these situations. Right now this directionless, idea-less, generally unsatisfied man likes having you around. Who will he be when he settles? No one knows, HE doesn't know.

There is NO point asking him for reassurances and all of that, that's just pushing him away.

You feel insecure because it is a very insecure situation.

I'm sorry.
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Old 03-14-2016, 03:38 PM
 
13,513 posts, read 19,218,889 times
Reputation: 16579
the paragraph titled "now the good" says it all.
Why are you petting pressure on yourself. Just enjoy while it's happening. There's no gaurantees in life...we can't predict the future really....maybe you'll last together for-ever...maybe not. Life's too short to worry about [what if's], enjoy what you have now....which believe me , from what you've said that's good about him....you have a whole lot more going on for you than a lot of others EVER will.
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Old 03-14-2016, 03:40 PM
 
6,806 posts, read 4,885,894 times
Reputation: 8594
Quote:
Originally Posted by nygiantsgal13 View Post
Hey all: I know this will be long so I hope you bear with me. I have all of these emotions and thoughts running through my head but I am too private of a person to want to share me and my SO's relationship in such detail, so I thought I would turn here for some objectivity.

My SO and I have been dating for exactly a year yesterday. When we met he was going through a divorce. I was wary of this but it had been so long since I liked anyone that much that I gave him a shot. He worked his butt off to get me (great communication, compliments, put in a ton of time with me, was emotionally vulnerable, etc) The divorce went through and he moved closer to me (he was in a house about an hour away initially). After everything was settled, I fell hard for him. He made me feel so secure and desired and adored.

Starting in Sept/Oct, my insecurities started to take hold. I was worried about his ex (not about them getting together but that he was happier with her, that I was second place, that I was a consolation prize). Some of the initial honeymoon stuff was wearing off and that made me feel like he was less attracted to me, enamored with me, etc. I admittedly got needy and it caused us to get into silly fights and some unnecessary tension. But there were some things that bothered me that were legit (I feel) He became less expressive. Still complimented me but wouldn't say much about his feelings for me unless I asked or about our future (though every time I ask he insisted he sees this as long term) Never made anymore comments about our future or me meeting his family (they are long distance) or future vacations, etc. I would find out things bothered him weeks or months later. And finally (the worst for me) is he still has not said I love you. I have said it twice so far but he has not initiated it back. Overall I just stopped feeling secure.

Now the good: he still spends a great deal of his free time with me. Always texts me and talks with me throughout the day. Spends a ton of time with my family and friends. Treats his apartment like it is ours. Is always appreciative of the things I do for him. Still physically affectionate. When I do feel I need to bring up a problem to him he is always supportive and engaging when we talk. While he has not said I love you he insists I mean a great deal to him and he cares for me immensely.

Moving on to yesterday when we had a really tough talk that prompted this post: We got into a convo about his lack of communicating his feelings. This lead into him telling me how he feels directionless. He doesn't like where we live (he only moved here for the ex-wife) and doesn't see it as home but doesn't know where he would go. Also, he doesn't see himself working where he works but doesn't know what else he wants to do. his apt lease is up in a month and he has no clue whether to renew or move on or buy. Basically said he feels like now that the dust has settled from all the divorce drama he feels stuck and doesn't know what to do next. However, through all this he said I was the only thing making it good and he has no doubts he wants to be with me. Now this was my biggest fear: that he would start to feel this way (but mainly about me) after everything had settled. And even though it isn't about me right now, I am so afraid it will be. That he will see me as someone tying him down after his marriage. Especially with him not being able to say I love you, I feel like the feelings won't be enough to make him want to work at it with me and someday soon I will be the thing that is making him feel stuck. Today he told me I am the most important thing in his life and that he just wants to be with me but it scares me so much.

So here I am not knowing what to do. I can't dwell on it with him. I don't want to make something he opened up to me about and turn it into something about me; I know that will scare him off from doing it in the future. I want to stand by him but I am so afraid of being hurt. Half the time my gut tells me we won't end up together and the other half of the time it tells me I am being silly and we are still new and have time to develop and he is giving me all the signs he wants to be with me. I just need some honest advice. Does it sound like I am grasping at straws when he is giving me indications that we don't have a future? Or am I just being unnecessarily insecure and need to give him time if I care as much as I say I do? If I stick it out and see where it goes, how do I still support him and protect myself from worrying or hoping too much for the future?

Sometimes we just have to sit with our vulnerability and wait to see how things turn out over time. This is one of those times.

Best you can do is to let him know you are feeling vulnerable right now and you are invested in the relationship and hope everything turns out for the best for you and him.
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Old 03-14-2016, 03:52 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,703 posts, read 19,851,784 times
Reputation: 42990
He sounds lost. He is at a cross road of his life with job and apartment and location.






Actions speak louder than words. IF you feel loved, don't get hung up on the words.


I have a friend who didn't tell his gf for 2 years the big L word. He was just "scared" to say it because his parents divorced. Now he is getting married ...


Don't ruin it with your insecurity. Of course a relationship calms down after the initial fire. Doesn't mean it is a bad thing. It is natural.
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Old 03-14-2016, 04:11 PM
 
Location: Central IL
20,726 posts, read 16,246,928 times
Reputation: 50368
When did the honeymoon wear off? Soon after the divorce was final? It's true you may be the rebound. Especially if he was married a number of years he may have the itch to sow some wild oats...that's the risk with being the first after a major break-up/divorce.
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Old 01-26-2018, 07:22 AM
 
58 posts, read 41,158 times
Reputation: 337
The great thing here is your ability to communicate. It seems that both of you are representing the real people that you are right now, which is fundamental to having a real, as opposed to fantasy, relationship.

Meeting someone who is going through a divorce is tricky. This was me 15 years ago. I met a lovely woman, I was desperate for connection and love, but I also had an accumulated pile of disappointment and failure in a number of different areas in my life. I needed time and space to deal with all of that without feeling judged. I also could not bring 100% to the new relationship. Eventually, we went our separate ways.

In order for your relationship to work, you may have to accept that it is not forever. That will not detract from its worth. A relationship can be profound and meaningful even if it ends. Life itself is profound and beautiful, but it will end. Just as the fact of death does not mean that life is not worth living, the possibility of eventual separation does not mean that this relationship is not worth having. In fact, your ability to accept this may be just what it needs to flourish and last a lifetime.

Your SO is being honest in not forcing out an "I love you" too quickly. This is a virtue. But, if you love him, tell him so. That's the real you. Maybe one day, you'll be on the same emotional page. But getting there is less important than the daily effort to build connection between the people you are right now.

Good luck! I wish you much happiness and fulfillment.
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