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I feel like women are always encouraged to give all guys who seem like good guys a chance. I understand why, but I just feel like sexual attraction isn't supposed to be a priority for us over things like "Does he treat you well? Will he make a good husband and father?" etc. I haven't felt significant sexual attraction for most of the guys I've gone out with, but I felt like I should give them a chance because they seemed like decent guys.
Some people are willing to make the trade-off of having a secure marriage to someone they love but don't have that spark with... and sometimes are even willing to look the other way of their spouse get a little something on the side, as long as they still have their marriage arrangement. I suppose it's not the worst scenario one could be in, so long as everyone knows what's what.
But how can a person be "right" for you if you aren't attracted to them? Are you saying that what makes for a good monogamous relationship isn't necessarily what makes for a good sexual relationship?
It depends. People who have trauma or other dysfunctional issues from their childhoods will be attracted to partners who re-enact those dysfunctions (you know you have those issues if you are mostly attracted to partners who aren't good for you).
If that is the case, there are really three options:
1- Get therapy so that you deal with the issues. Once those issues are dealt with, your picker will get better and you will no longer be attracted to the partners who are dysfunctional and will find yourself being attracted to the healthier partners.
2- Go for partners that aren't that exciting to you.
3- Go for the people you are very attracted to, but realize you will have lots of drama, chaos, and dysfunction in your relationships.
This seems to be a big issue for you, personally, OP. Many things can contribute to attraction. I think someone would be a fool for marrying a person they don't have a strong connection with in terms of values (yet people do that all the time, and it usually ends in divorce), intellectual connection, and compatibility of personalities. Very generally speaking, the visual aspect is less important to women, but obviously there are exceptions. Still, one should't overlook the other aspects of attraction if one wants a lasting relationship.
This seems to be a big issue for you, personally, OP. Many things can contribute to attraction. I think someone would be a fool for marrying a person they don't have a strong connection with in terms of values (yet people do that all the time, and it usually ends in divorce), intellectual connection, and compatibility of personalities. Very generally speaking, the visual aspect is less important to women, but obviously there are exceptions. Still, one should't overlook the other aspects of attraction if one wants a lasting relationship.
Agree completely.
The OP does have serious sexual problems with his GF.
However, there are some basic relational factors that are missing that would make ANY questions about marriage extremely premature.
It depends. People who have trauma or other dysfunctional issues from their childhoods will be attracted to partners who re-enact those dysfunctions (you know you have those issues if you are mostly attracted to partners who aren't good for you).
If that is the case, there are really three options:
1- Get therapy so that you deal with the issues. Once those issues are dealt with, your picker will get better and you will no longer be attracted to the partners who are dysfunctional and will find yourself being attracted to the healthier partners.
2- Go for partners that aren't that exciting to you.
3- Go for the people you are very attracted to, but realize you will have lots of drama, chaos, and dysfunction in your relationships.
#1 is obviously the more heathy choice.
I'm not even talking about dysfunction and stuff like that. Just the situation where maybe a guy looks great on paper and you think you could have a good life together, but you don't have the feeling that you want to rip his clothes off. Is he still the right guy?
I'm not even talking about dysfunction and stuff like that. Just the situation where maybe a guy looks great on paper and you think you could have a good life together, but you don't have the feeling that you want to rip his clothes off. Is he still the right guy?
He's probably not the right guy if you don't generally find yourself attracted to guys who aren't good for you. If you aren't attracted to guys that don't treat you well, then you should hold out for the guy who is good on paper AND to whom you are attracted.
If you do find yourself attracted to guys who don't treat you well, he's the right guy, but you won't be attracted to him until you fix the issues that were created as you were growing up.
How much do you think pure lustful desire is important? If your partner claims that they are attracted to you how would you ever know if they are being truthful?
It's extremely important to me. I think it's harder for men to tell about women than it is for women to tell about men, though, if you know what I mean. If he pitches a tent when he looks at you and you have your clothes on, it's a pretty good indication he finds you attractive.
I'm not even talking about dysfunction and stuff like that. Just the situation where maybe a guy looks great on paper and you think you could have a good life together, but you don't have the feeling that you want to rip his clothes off. Is he still the right guy?
No. Most men love, want, and need sex when they are in a relationship. It's normal and healthy, and for those in love, it's a vital part of showing that love. If you don't want to get busy with him, and are just tolerating sex for his sake, unless he's an absolute selfish jackarse, he will sense it, and he will resent you for it. This goes twice over should you decide that you're tired of yawning through it for his sake and decide to stop.
Location: Mableton, GA USA (NW Atlanta suburb, 4 miles OTP)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by k374
How much do you think pure lustful desire is important? If your partner claims that they are attracted to you how would you ever know if they are being truthful?
After 12 years of marriage, I know now that it's more important to me than I thought it was. Not that I didn't lust after my wife, but it wasn't the white hot all consuming WANT for someone that I've felt previously. And subsequently.
There are degrees of attractiveness. For me, at the time, she was good enough. My tastes changed, obviously. So did hers. But 16 years (which is how long we were together) is a long time, and people do change over time.
Last edited by rcsteiner; 03-24-2016 at 12:57 PM..
Reason: s/now/how
Lust gets such a bad rap. For heaven's sake, if there's one place we SHOULD be "allowed" this perfectly human (actually, any animal, including human) emotion, it's the married bedroom. Signed the papers? Then lust away. IMO.
I believe sexual attraction, sexiness, experimentation and the ability to tell your spouse more or less anything in this regard are part of the health of a marriage. This is just my belief, everyone doesn't have to agree with it or anything. Therefore, I do think that without it, something would be missing. Again, for me; I suppose there are people who can do without lust in a marriage (or other partnership).
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IMO.
