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Old 03-28-2016, 09:02 AM
 
1,575 posts, read 1,425,963 times
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Bipolar disease and OCD that manifested in an obsession with exes and texting them, yet you "know" it's your fault? No. You're allowed to have standards for what you'll put up with. You don't have to tolerate just any sort of behavior to keep a man.
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Old 03-28-2016, 09:04 AM
 
Location: Greater LA area
15,747 posts, read 11,767,628 times
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He was very insecure in the beginning and didn't like that I have guy friends or talk to my exes. I got rid of them since most of them wanted to have sex with me anyway. So it wasn't a big loss. I work with 100 guys and 4 women and most guys are a little too friendly to me. I never told my bf that they are all hitting on me but he kinda knew of course.


Then after 4 months of total happiness he suddenly mentioned that he is friends with a few exes and they are all excited to meet me. I was totally shocked and refused. He said he is not giving up friends for a new gf. Okay. I hoped they go away over time. They didn't. And of course they are all single. He kept pressuring me in a really strong way. The more he did, the more I refused.


He gained confidence and wasn't jealous anymore becaue I did everything to make him comfortable but I got more and more jealous.


Then he started texting 24/7 and I started investigating. Never found anything. I didn't snoop, just asked too many personal questions. He said he was texting for the last 10 years when he was single but slowed it down when I came in the picture but now picked it up again. He showed me texts and emails to exes and they were all normal and friendly.


I went to counseling and all of them (3) said he should honor my feelings and get rid of the baggage. I took him to counseling last week and the moment he was with me, the counselor turned 180 degrees and said I have to accept the exes or move on. As long as there is nothing inappropriate, I have to accept it. I said he sends "XOXOXs" and dirty jokes and I think that's not right. He said the bad thoughts are only in my head. I asked "so where do you draw the line??" the answer "There is no line." I said "he still calls her a made up nick name, thats totally inappropriate!!!" Nope, apparently it isn't.


We broke up after the counseling.


If I would have been more relaxed, I would have met the exes, hang out with them, have fun and we would meet them once a month and all would have been okay. They would later on have a bf and maybe contact him less or we all would hang out together and be one happy family. But just the thought of it makes me gag.


I told him that none of them was there for him when he was sick for 6 monhts and injured badly because they had bfs at that time. None of them even brought him a soup or groceries. NONE OF THEM. And this will be happening again - they will have a bf and drop him like a hot potato and then he regrets that he let me go. He didn't get it. I left and now he runs around telling everybody that I gave him an ultimatum to dump his FRIENDS.
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Old 03-28-2016, 09:07 AM
 
Location: Greater LA area
15,747 posts, read 11,767,628 times
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His point was that he didn't have sex with any of them for the last 10-12 years so I need to know that they are just platonic friends. He doesn't even see them as ex anymore, just good friends. I just couldnt accept it. Especially not since he told me the one was cheating and lying and thats why he dumped her. Why would you want to be friends with a cheater and liar? She married a few years later and they all hung out - her, her husband and my bf. There was no funny business, I get that. However, I just couldnt do it.
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Old 03-28-2016, 09:07 AM
 
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That counselor was wrong.

And yes, there is a line that you do not cross.
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Old 03-28-2016, 09:08 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,100 posts, read 37,751,245 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post


If I would have been more relaxed, I would have met the exes, hang out with them, have fun and we would meet them once a month and all would have been okay. They would later on have a bf and maybe contact him less or we all would hang out together and be one happy family.
Nope.

WHY should you give up what you believe in for someone who doesn't respect YOUR feelings?

This is called "ignoring your own inner voice."
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Old 03-28-2016, 09:08 AM
 
2,692 posts, read 1,857,192 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
His point was that he didn't have sex with any of them for the last 10-12 years so I need to know that they are just platonic friends. He doesn't even see them as ex anymore, just good friends. I just couldn't accept it. Especially not since he told me the one was cheating and lying and thats why he dumped her. Why would you want to be friends with a cheater and liar? She married a few years later and they all hung out - her, her husband and my bf. There was no funny business, I get that. However, I just couldn't do it.
Platonic friends should not send dirty jokes to each-other.

xoxoxo could be crossing the line regarding platonic friends.
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Old 03-28-2016, 09:14 AM
 
1,575 posts, read 1,425,963 times
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The fact that he asked you to drop your male friends while he was hiding his ongoing communications with his exes really tells you everything you need to know. His comfort was important, and yours wasn't. So of course he was unwilling to make any behavior changes to make you feel secure. There is no way to feel happy and safe in a relationship in which your needs aren't taken into consideration.
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Old 03-28-2016, 09:17 AM
 
Location: State of Denial
428 posts, read 227,812 times
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Ugh, that sucks. Sorry to hear that Eve. Been there, done that and it always feels like the end of the world. However, it's Eve time now so when things get better treat yourself to a long moto ride.
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Old 03-28-2016, 09:21 AM
 
Location: Greater LA area
15,747 posts, read 11,767,628 times
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He showed me texts (I didnt even ask to see them) and I got totally hung up on the XOXO and he admitted it was wrong. He said he just felt so bad that her and her brother called 3x and he never answered the phone because I was there. He said he feels guilty letting his FRIENDS down for me and so he sent the XOXO and he usually doesn't do that and never will again.


It is true that if they wanted to have sex in the last 10-12 years when he was single, they could. But they didn't. So why would I think anything bad?? I just didn't like the close bond between them. It was all in my head. I think he was OCDing over them. They are not that important I think, but me telling him he CAN'T made him WANT the contact even more.


I bend over backwards to make my partner feel secure. He thought he is in prison and on a leash because he cannot talk to his OLD FRIENDS. I threw a fit every time I saw her name pop up and then I started picking on him for other - unrelated stuff - and he kept withdrawing and I blamed it all on the exes and started hating them even more.
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Old 03-28-2016, 09:24 AM
 
32,765 posts, read 22,707,241 times
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Sorry, but it just wasn't a complimentary match. Some people are people that once they're done with dating people then those people are out of their lives. I can't and don't date those people as I'm the opposite, most of my closest friends are people I was romantic with at some point and it didn't work out, and most of the people I'm most attracted to are like that (we often end up socializing all together).

It just wasn't the right match for you. Good luck.
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