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Rape is not complicated and the fact that you have just defended the person who raped you is unbelieveable. Seek professional therapy soon for any and all issues you have presented here.
All I will say is, you need to learn to work and take care of yourself. This guy doesn't sound like he is good for you, and while you may think it's great he takes care of you etc, wouldn't it feel better to stand on your own two feet?
Am I being ungrateful or reasonable in thinking I should leave? I left shortly before, but not seriously.
I will list the pros and cons of our relationship as I see them:
Pros -
He does literally everything for me and I feel that he genuinely loves me. He pays all bills and I am living with him. He expects very little of me except that I be myself.
He is sweet most of the time. Like the sweetest. He makes me feel special, beautiful, and loved.
Whatever I want, he gives me.
He takes me on dates often still and pays attention well.
I love who he is. He is a talented musician, smarter than most other men I have met, and handsome.
Cons -
He is a serious drug addict who refuses to acknowledge his problem. He seems a completely different, darker, angrier person when he is not high but I rarely glimpse this because he is high 70% of the time. But the glimpses I catch are of a scary person, cold and borderline abusive.
It's a long story but the first time we met, he sexually assaulted me in the most degrading way. I haven't gotten over this, but I had been sexually assaulted before and have just developed a numbness to it...but I never was in an actual relationship with the person who did it before. Oddly, I don't hate him.
I have told others both issues mentioned above, and someone raised the concern that the drugs just mask an abusive side that may come out later if I marry him (and we have talked marriage recently).
I know this is weird but I feel like he is going to make me have kids when I don't want them now. He often asks if he can do it without a condom knowing full well I'm not on birth control. I let this happen once and he pulled out, but i still had a miscarriage. And he is always kinda threatening it, even knowing what happened. Like saying it's inevitable that one day he's going to do it. He may be joking, I can't tell sometimes, but I have a phobia of childbirth.
Lastly, I feel like he is trapping me. He actively discourages me from working or going back to school. He likes me being dependent on him. Never met anyone like that before. He has literally said "You are the child in this relationship", which I guess is true, but makes me feel so powerless.
And that's it.
I know the cons look way longer, but it is a goldmine to me to find someone who loves me, and he seems to. But some days those cons get so unbearable, especially the drug problem. So I sometimes think about leaving... But most of the time I don't. Right now, I am.
Considering the care he takes of me, is this simple ingratitude?
He has improved some. Like he used to have an animal hoarding habit (not extreme but still too many) and he got rid of them finally. He loves animals, but I have noticed that he will even be mean to the one dog he kept when he isn't high. Like i said, him without being high, he is just ice cold. But, he still does say he loves me so much...
This is a bad thing, waiting to happen. Bad things already have. I can't get past sexual assault either. The drugs make it worse. I have a serious sore spot with a man who forces a woman. My lady was the victim of an attempted rape assault, and such things bring an anger and hatred up in me I can't even describe. You really need to tap into your own self worth. In the end, your life is in your keeping, alone. You can't be truly living, being told by someone else how to live.
He has trapped you. His good side, all the dates and other attention, are just tools he is being to gild your cage. You need to resolve to take back your life, and be who YOU want to be. What he has built around you is a prison. Despite its perks and comforts, its still a prison. He has already shown the levels of cruelty and depravity he is capable of, and that is the real person. He can't hide that behind anything he may do that makes it seem he is other than what he is. A feral scavenger of an animal. He has cut you off from people who would help you. Put up walls between you, and anyone who could help you see the truth. That's a classic tactic that abusive people use, to keep you dependant, and thinking he is all you have to depend on.
You're in a dangerous and unpredictable situation. You need help. Support from people who really, truly, love and care about you Despite his seeming kindness and caring , at times, he views you as his property. Something to use, as he sees fit, and preying on your feelings of gratitude and sense of obligation, to keep his hold on you. His worst fear is that you will realize the truth of things, and see him for what he really is. And what he is, is a predator. One that hides behind a seeming kindness, that masks the cruelty and malice that is the real him.
I know this is blunt, but this is how I see it, and I've seen this many times before. Be careful, be very careful, and make a plan for escape. If at all possible, reach out to anyone that you know you can trust. Parents, siblings , real, honest friends. From what you have described here, you can't continue on this path. I'm not trying to be cruel, but I have seen this many times before. My lady went through a similar thing in her past, as did my Sister and a couple dear friends. They reached out to me, and I helped them to get out. If there is anyone you can reach out to, please, do so. Take your life back. Its never to late.And again, be careful. Don't give him the opportunity to build those walls any higher.
Ask yourself why you need someone to take care of you. Your a grown woman, it's time to take care of yourself. Yes, you may need to go back to your parents for a little while but it would only be temporary until you could find a job and get your own place. It's possible that you'll even find a nice guy someday that doesn't assault you and control your entire life. There are decent men out there.
Also, since you're not on birth control it's only a matter of time until you get pregnant again and then your really stuck. Do you really want to raise a baby with a man like this?
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