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Old 04-02-2016, 11:38 PM
 
19 posts, read 10,156 times
Reputation: 12

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Am I being ungrateful or reasonable in thinking I should leave? I left shortly before, but not seriously.

I will list the pros and cons of our relationship as I see them:

Pros -

He does literally everything for me and I feel that he genuinely loves me. He pays all bills and I am living with him. He expects very little of me except that I be myself.

He is sweet most of the time. Like the sweetest. He makes me feel special, beautiful, and loved.

Whatever I want, he gives me.

He takes me on dates often still and pays attention well.

I love who he is. He is a talented musician, smarter than most other men I have met, and handsome.

Cons -

He is a serious drug addict who refuses to acknowledge his problem. He seems a completely different, darker, angrier person when he is not high but I rarely glimpse this because he is high 70% of the time. But the glimpses I catch are of a scary person, cold and borderline abusive.

It's a long story but the first time we met, he sexually assaulted me in the most degrading way. I haven't gotten over this, but I had been sexually assaulted before and have just developed a numbness to it...but I never was in an actual relationship with the person who did it before. Oddly, I don't hate him.

I have told others both issues mentioned above, and someone raised the concern that the drugs just mask an abusive side that may come out later if I marry him (and we have talked marriage recently).

I know this is weird but I feel like he is going to make me have kids when I don't want them now. He often asks if he can do it without a condom knowing full well I'm not on birth control. I let this happen once and he pulled out, but i still had a miscarriage. And he is always kinda threatening it, even knowing what happened. Like saying it's inevitable that one day he's going to do it. He may be joking, I can't tell sometimes, but I have a phobia of childbirth.

Lastly, I feel like he is trapping me. He actively discourages me from working or going back to school. He likes me being dependent on him. Never met anyone like that before. He has literally said "You are the child in this relationship", which I guess is true, but makes me feel so powerless.

And that's it.

I know the cons look way longer, but it is a goldmine to me to find someone who loves me, and he seems to. But some days those cons get so unbearable, especially the drug problem. So I sometimes think about leaving... But most of the time I don't. Right now, I am.

Considering the care he takes of me, is this simple ingratitude?

He has improved some. Like he used to have an animal hoarding habit (not extreme but still too many) and he got rid of them finally. He loves animals, but I have noticed that he will even be mean to the one dog he kept when he isn't high. Like i said, him without being high, he is just ice cold. But, he still does say he loves me so much...

Last edited by Sidhe Scarlet; 04-03-2016 at 12:21 AM..
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Old 04-03-2016, 12:40 AM
 
Location: Ralphs
455 posts, read 206,234 times
Reputation: 578
Having a hard time getting past the sexual assault. Thus, I'd bail on him. But hey, I tend to frown on rape. Call me crazy!
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Old 04-03-2016, 01:06 AM
 
19 posts, read 10,156 times
Reputation: 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by CAOU812 View Post
Having a hard time getting past the sexual assault. Thus, I'd bail on him. But hey, I tend to frown on rape. Call me crazy!
Well it was a complicated incident.
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Old 04-03-2016, 01:52 AM
 
13,496 posts, read 13,985,408 times
Reputation: 11120
just because someone takes care of you is no reason to stay. a man that sexually assaulted you (no matter how complicated) is cruel. a drug addict is selfish in the extreme. a man who would force you to have a bay or trick you into one is less than admirable. you are not ungrateful or a brat, you are starting to see the light. this is not a man you should stay with.
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Old 04-03-2016, 02:14 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
13,577 posts, read 11,064,500 times
Reputation: 24129
Sounds like the beginning episode of 20/20 Dateline.

You need to get some help, lady... before it's too late.
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Old 04-03-2016, 02:22 AM
 
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
9,871 posts, read 8,019,083 times
Reputation: 11232
OP, I didn't get past "serious drug addict". Distance yourself. I promise you that after a while all his good aspects will look like a few fish in a big ocean filled with Great White Sharks. Run, don't walk.

Believe me.
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Old 04-03-2016, 04:59 AM
 
Location: Manchester, UK
918 posts, read 457,219 times
Reputation: 1861
You need to get out of there, ASAP. You are in an abusive relationship. He sexually assaulted you. He's isolating you. You make excuses for him. Typical signs of an abusive relationship. It's sometimes difficult to see, when you are the victim of such abuse. Get help, please.
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Old 04-03-2016, 05:15 AM
 
19 posts, read 10,156 times
Reputation: 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by Summer_Rain View Post
You need to get out of there, ASAP. You are in an abusive relationship. He sexually assaulted you. He's isolating you. You make excuses for him. Typical signs of an abusive relationship. It's sometimes difficult to see, when you are the victim of such abuse. Get help, please.
Well the thing is, I'm totally dependent now (I don't even have a car of my own) and he has to always know where I am and what I did all day. I think part of the reason I don't leave is I have no idea how. I depend on him for many things, including medical care.

My plan yesterday was seriously to have a guy from online pick me up and take me away forever...but that's kinda how this relationship started. In fact, we didn't even meet on a regular dating site, but through classifieds, and I was going to repeat that mistake too. I can only see myself repeating my mistakes, except I might eventually meet a serial killer or something. I have zero mobility or social skills so I see few other alternatives.
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Old 04-03-2016, 05:34 AM
 
Location: Whereever we have our RV parked
8,050 posts, read 7,070,867 times
Reputation: 13492
Sounds like a story that eventually ends up on a show like "Joe Kenda, Homicide Hunter." If you were my daughter, I'd be over at the appt., grabbing your stuff and you and physically hauling you out of there, for your own good.
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Old 04-03-2016, 06:11 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
13,577 posts, read 11,064,500 times
Reputation: 24129
What's with women and the allure of "bad boys"?

Plenty of great guys out there, but for some low self esteem reason, a guy thats a serial rapist/drug addicted seems to be a "catch", smh.

"Some" of you women are cray-cray krazy!, Lol.
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