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About 3 weeks ago I asked my wife of 10 years what was going on between her and a male former coworker she has known (and I have met several times) for 6 years. She said that she is now interested in him romantically and wants to divorce me, although says that her desire to divorce predates her romantic interest in him. It just happens to coincide, apparently (maybe for emotional support?).
We took 2 weeks apart and communicated daily during the time and met twice. I stated clearly that my desire was to reconcile, however did not belabor the point and noted that I respect she makes her own decisions, etc. and that I was not giving an ultimatum. She initially said she was thinking it through, but has now firmly decided against rebuilding our relationship.
I came come as scheduled and found some of the guy's stuff throughout the house, including a coffee mug next to my usual chair and also food in the fridge. I asked if she would not communicate with this guy for 2 weeks so that we could focus on living with each other and explore our relationship. She said she had no interest. I then asked my wife to please not allow him in the house while we are sharing it, and instead to go visit him if that is what she wants. She agreed.
I set up my tablet to record the goings on in the kitchen by the back door for when I went to work the next day. Sure enough I saw him wandering unaccompanied through the kitchen. I called the police, informed dispatch what was going on, etc. They came out and everyone was pissed, including the cops who apparently misunderstood the nature of the call and treated it like a burglary.
So, at this point I am still alternating between sadness, grief, anger, and optimism forbmy own future - at times optimistic about her coming around, and other times optimistic about being single, then again followed by the cycle again.
Im sleeping on the pullout in the living room and we're coexisting peacefully, although I am at times nervous she may lie to obtain a protection from abuse order. There is no reason for one, but given her other behavior I just don't know what to expect.
She desperately wants to keep the house and all three of the cats, and wants me to move out sooner rather than later. We weren't fighting or arguing before this. I think she detached 6 months ago and I just didn't realize it. In any case, now, amidst my feelings of regret and sadness, I am pissed because of this other guy and feel like I can't in any way respect her decision to move ahead with her own life, because she isn't doing so independently. I am no longer blaming myself as much and acknowledging that she used very poor communication, e.g., we purchased a bed 5 months ago, and bedding for summer last month, and we're planning events together for the summer without her expressing feelings that she was contemplating ending the relationship.
Given her strong attachment to the cats and house, and desperate desire to keep all, I am thinking of demanding a highly disproportionate share of the home equity in exchange for not demanding it be sold on the open market, and also requiring I keep her favorite cat (whom I also enjoy immensely). I'm also going to demand she grant me exclusive use of the residence until the divorce is final and continue to pay half the mortgage, or else we sell, and if she wants it she'll have to outbid others. She also have trouble qualifying for the loan. Does that sound about right, or is there anything else I should do? If she doesn't agree I'm going to file and add a count of exclusive use given her flaunting behavior with her boyfriend, and my fear (I'm actually not afraid, and the guy is lucky I called the cops and didn't shop up myself and break all of his teeth with a heavy and hard implement, which is what I wanted to do but thought it wouldn't be prudent). Also, she purchased a handgun 6 months ago.
Perhaps you should get professional help? You don't sound like you're in a healthy place, which is understandable given all that's happened. However, staying in the same accommodation is only going to cause you pain. Of course I say this as a detached bystander! I have no idea how I would react in that situation.
Perhaps you should get professional help? You don't sound like you're in a healthy place, which is understandable given all that's happened. However, staying in the same accommodation is only going to cause you pain. Of course I say this as a detached bystander! I have no idea how I would react in that situation.
And to top this off there's a gun in the house....what can go wrong????
So, at this point I am still alternating between sadness, grief, anger, and optimism forbmy own future - at times optimistic about her coming around, and other times optimistic about being single, then again followed by the cycle again.
She is not going to come around - she had already checked out of the relationship long ago.
Quote:
Given her strong attachment to the cats and house, and desperate desire to keep all, I am thinking of demanding a highly disproportionate share of the home equity in exchange for not demanding it be sold on the open market, and also requiring I keep her favorite cat (whom I also enjoy immensely). I'm also going to demand she grant me exclusive use of the residence until the divorce is final and continue to pay half the mortgage, or else we sell, and if she wants it she'll have to outbid others. She also have trouble qualifying for the loan. Does that sound about right, or is there anything else I should do? If she doesn't agree I'm going to file and add a count of exclusive use given her flaunting behavior with her boyfriend, and my fear (I'm actually not afraid, and the guy is lucky I called the cops and didn't shop up myself and break all of his teeth with a heavy and hard implement, which is what I wanted to do but thought it wouldn't be prudent). Also, she purchased a handgun 6 months ago.
Advice? Thoughts?
I would fight to keep the house if it were me, I figure she's the one who wants out of the marriage, she can leave. But it's up to you, maybe you don't want to be there with all the memories. Also, I wouldn't demand her favorite cat just to spite her, but yeah, you should be able to keep at least one of them.
About 3 weeks ago I asked my wife of 10 years what was going on between her and a male former coworker she has known (and I have met several times) for 6 years. She said that she is now interested in him romantically and wants to divorce me, although says that her desire to divorce predates her romantic interest in him. It just happens to coincide, apparently (maybe for emotional support?).
We took 2 weeks apart and communicated daily during the time and met twice. I stated clearly that my desire was to reconcile, however did not belabor the point and noted that I respect she makes her own decisions, etc. and that I was not giving an ultimatum. She initially said she was thinking it through, but has now firmly decided against rebuilding our relationship.
I came come as scheduled and found some of the guy's stuff throughout the house, including a coffee mug next to my usual chair and also food in the fridge. I asked if she would not communicate with this guy for 2 weeks so that we could focus on living with each other and explore our relationship. She said she had no interest. I then asked my wife to please not allow him in the house while we are sharing it, and instead to go visit him if that is what she wants. She agreed.
I set up my tablet to record the goings on in the kitchen by the back door for when I went to work the next day. Sure enough I saw him wandering unaccompanied through the kitchen. I called the police, informed dispatch what was going on, etc. They came out and everyone was pissed, including the cops who apparently misunderstood the nature of the call and treated it like a burglary.
So, at this point I am still alternating between sadness, grief, anger, and optimism forbmy own future - at times optimistic about her coming around, and other times optimistic about being single, then again followed by the cycle again.
Im sleeping on the pullout in the living room and we're coexisting peacefully, although I am at times nervous she may lie to obtain a protection from abuse order. There is no reason for one, but given her other behavior I just don't know what to expect.
She desperately wants to keep the house and all three of the cats, and wants me to move out sooner rather than later. We weren't fighting or arguing before this. I think she detached 6 months ago and I just didn't realize it. In any case, now, amidst my feelings of regret and sadness, I am pissed because of this other guy and feel like I can't in any way respect her decision to move ahead with her own life, because she isn't doing so independently. I am no longer blaming myself as much and acknowledging that she used very poor communication, e.g., we purchased a bed 5 months ago, and bedding for summer last month, and we're planning events together for the summer without her expressing feelings that she was contemplating ending the relationship.
Given her strong attachment to the cats and house, and desperate desire to keep all, I am thinking of demanding a highly disproportionate share of the home equity in exchange for not demanding it be sold on the open market, and also requiring I keep her favorite cat (whom I also enjoy immensely). I'm also going to demand she grant me exclusive use of the residence until the divorce is final and continue to pay half the mortgage, or else we sell, and if she wants it she'll have to outbid others. She also have trouble qualifying for the loan. Does that sound about right, or is there anything else I should do? If she doesn't agree I'm going to file and add a count of exclusive use given her flaunting behavior with her boyfriend, and my fear (I'm actually not afraid, and the guy is lucky I called the cops and didn't shop up myself and break all of his teeth with a heavy and hard implement, which is what I wanted to do but thought it wouldn't be prudent). Also, she purchased a handgun 6 months ago.
Advice? Thoughts?
This situation sounds horrible. You guys really need to not be living together and get threw this process as fast as possible so you can try and heal and start to rebuild your life. I know this sounds ignorant for me to say while you are in this situation and it seems like your whole world has exploded... but seriously the world outside your current situation has SOOOOO much more to explore and discover. Try and settle this matter as fast as you can because the rest of your life if waiting for you. When one door closes there are millions of others that can start to open. Stop wasting your precious time looking backwards. The marriage is done. There are likely better things out in the world waiting for you. Forget them. Now it is time to think about YOU and explore and discover what you could do and try to do with the rest of your life. The possibilities are huge. Good luck!
Thanks for the responses. I'm a pretty private person, and don't really socialize much outside of work and family - all of whom have been supportive. I am still in some shock. We definitely have had problems in the past, but I just had no idea it was ready to come to this. If it wasn't for her new relationship I'd be sad and hurt still, and angry I'm sure, but not with this intensity. I wouldn't be trying to be punitive.
As for long-term plans, I have considered demanding to stay here. I have put a lot of work into the house, and home improvements were recreational activities for me. I'd have to pay to stay here, but I wouldn't agree to more than half the equity. Our incomes are roughly the same (I earn about 12% more than her), except my career is progressing and she has pretty much peaked. The memories might get to me. I don't know if the memories would fade over time or what.
I feel vindictive and want to deny her the house, but I'm thinking in the long run I'd rather have the money, but also don't want her to be here. And then I still have to resist the urge to want to help her (and I still do favors for her), which when I do resist saddens me. And then later I feel like such sap. I'm really conflicted. I should probably see a therapist!
About 3 weeks ago I asked my wife of 10 years what was going on between her and a male former coworker she has known (and I have met several times) for 6 years. She said that she is now interested in him romantically and wants to divorce me, although says that her desire to divorce predates her romantic interest in him. It just happens to coincide, apparently (maybe for emotional support?).
We took 2 weeks apart and communicated daily during the time and met twice. I stated clearly that my desire was to reconcile, however did not belabor the point and noted that I respect she makes her own decisions, etc. and that I was not giving an ultimatum. She initially said she was thinking it through, but has now firmly decided against rebuilding our relationship.
I came come as scheduled and found some of the guy's stuff throughout the house, including a coffee mug next to my usual chair and also food in the fridge. I asked if she would not communicate with this guy for 2 weeks so that we could focus on living with each other and explore our relationship. She said she had no interest. I then asked my wife to please not allow him in the house while we are sharing it, and instead to go visit him if that is what she wants. She agreed.
I set up my tablet to record the goings on in the kitchen by the back door for when I went to work the next day. Sure enough I saw him wandering unaccompanied through the kitchen. I called the police, informed dispatch what was going on, etc. They came out and everyone was pissed, including the cops who apparently misunderstood the nature of the call and treated it like a burglary.
So, at this point I am still alternating between sadness, grief, anger, and optimism forbmy own future - at times optimistic about her coming around, and other times optimistic about being single, then again followed by the cycle again.
Im sleeping on the pullout in the living room and we're coexisting peacefully, although I am at times nervous she may lie to obtain a protection from abuse order. There is no reason for one, but given her other behavior I just don't know what to expect.
She desperately wants to keep the house and all three of the cats, and wants me to move out sooner rather than later. We weren't fighting or arguing before this. I think she detached 6 months ago and I just didn't realize it. In any case, now, amidst my feelings of regret and sadness, I am pissed because of this other guy and feel like I can't in any way respect her decision to move ahead with her own life, because she isn't doing so independently. I am no longer blaming myself as much and acknowledging that she used very poor communication, e.g., we purchased a bed 5 months ago, and bedding for summer last month, and we're planning events together for the summer without her expressing feelings that she was contemplating ending the relationship.
Given her strong attachment to the cats and house, and desperate desire to keep all, I am thinking of demanding a highly disproportionate share of the home equity in exchange for not demanding it be sold on the open market, and also requiring I keep her favorite cat (whom I also enjoy immensely). I'm also going to demand she grant me exclusive use of the residence until the divorce is final and continue to pay half the mortgage, or else we sell, and if she wants it she'll have to outbid others. She also have trouble qualifying for the loan. Does that sound about right, or is there anything else I should do? If she doesn't agree I'm going to file and add a count of exclusive use given her flaunting behavior with her boyfriend, and my fear (I'm actually not afraid, and the guy is lucky I called the cops and didn't shop up myself and break all of his teeth with a heavy and hard implement, which is what I wanted to do but thought it wouldn't be prudent). Also, she purchased a handgun 6 months ago.
Advice? Thoughts?
You, yourself just admitted the marriage, per your wife anyway..wasn't so great..and it as you said..until her co-worker became either available or showed interest in pursuing a more personal connection did she have the nerve to ask for divorce/sever your relationship..This detail kind of tells the tale for me as a Women.
Forgive me..But did you not even sense or see any red flags, that your wife was distant?? I sense you had NO idea..why? no doubt due to lack of communication. Be that as it may, it matter not NOW! The fact is..you two drifted because as it appears felt taken for granted or maybe made to feel un-important..
It's my understanding that Marriage is suppose to be a 2-way street..but for some reason one side or the other doesn't spend enough time reaching out to the other..address whatever..and then voila..OP/You are facing (what you feel as betrayal) this dilemma..What to do?? You've had a separation..and it hasn't worked out..So sorry..but face it..One cannot force a relationship..No 2 people can regardless of marriage or friendship..Once the sense of connection is gone by one side or other..there's no sense pursuing a "Dead End"
I hope you don't have children involved..(because it's NOT their fault if so) as it's between you ( and your self-esteem) and her..it's better to work with her to resolve whatever joint investment/finances ..be sure to contact someone to advise..
Marriages that fall apart is always emotional..and I wish you all the best in getting your affairs in order and speak to someone who can advise you legally!
Hope things can get settled for you OP
BTW~~ She buys a GUN?? Geesh...SMH
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