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I've been dating my SO for a year now and we have a good relationship except he gets overly jealous and controlling when it comes to me having any ties to other men in the past or present. I can tell he has a very insecure attachment style. We are both clingy people, but he is a bit less secure than me in the relationship. When we discussed trying to help him develop more of a "secure" attachment, he claims it's too hard for him to meet in the middle in regards to autonomy and emotional connection. Right now, our emotional connection is very high with little distance or autonomy. He doesn't think it is possible for him to be less jealous/controlling without enforcing a lot of autonomy, becoming distant, talking less and having a weaker connection (which I don't want, we both like being close). He also said in order for him to fix his issue, he would have to start caring about me a lot less.
background info: he has anxiety and has been cheated on in his past relationships, with his most recent relationship before me ending because he "became controlling" after finding out/suspecting his partner cheated on him.
When him and I first stared dating, he was a bit more distant and I could tell he didn't want to get too attached to me. He admitted he did this in order to prevent becoming too connected to me because he knew the more he cared about me, the more jealous and insecure he would become. As time went by, he let himself become more close because I told him it was okay to be a little jealous in relationships and we have similar views on dating. As we became closer, these issues came up more and more (arguing about exes, bringing up past, etc).
So, is it possible to have a secure attachment, while maintaining our connection and closeness, and not becoming more distant from each other?
I've been dating my SO for a year now and we have a good relationship except he gets overly jealous and controlling when it comes to me having any ties to other men in the past or present. I can tell he has a very insecure attachment style. We are both clingy people, but he is a bit less secure than me in the relationship. When we discussed trying to help him develop more of a "secure" attachment, he claims it's too hard for him to meet in the middle in regards to autonomy and emotional connection.
You can't fix him. He needs to fix himself.
Thing is, he's an arrogant, insecure asshat who doesn't even want to try.
Well personally when I've had this from women and they get over jealous about me having female friends I usually just empathise that I'm with them for a reason and then go on to tell how much I like/love them etc basically making them feel special BUT you can only do this so much
It's more for putting their mind at rest more than anything, however I'm as more understanding than most but I am particularly impatient with jealousy and insecurity when it comes to a relationship.
In fairness though from what you said about his most recent ex with being controlling is a big no no so I'm sorry to say it doesn't look like it will end well
Now I'm not one for recommending therapy/counselling etc as I've never done it before but it may well help him more than you can on this. Look out for " just a guy " on here he's one of the resident experts on therapy/psychology and knows a great deal on the subject I'm sure he can advise better than I can on therapy etc.
OP, can you give some specific examples? What some people may consider "over the top" and "controlling" may be the same things that most people find pretty normal behavior.
As an example an over-controlling BF may forbid you to work at a job where you have male co-workers or forbid you to go to lunch with both female & male co-workers.
A regular BF will understand that most jobs have employees of both sexes and yes, people do need to eat lunch and have contact with co-workers
A typical BF would be uncomfortable if you mention old boyfriends many times each day (or any time when you are having sex).
And, overly jealous BF may become upset if you even mention the name of previous BF one time because he believes that you did not have a life before you met him. He imagines that you hatched out of a cocoon the day that you started dating.
As an example, IMHO, while seeing you in a group photograph (maybe a photo taken at a wedding or a party) with a group of friends, including an old BF, would not upset most men but an over controlling and overly jealous BF might be upset.
Heck, some overly jealous men would insist that you destroy any connection to an old BF such as insisting that you throw away jewelry or clothes that you wore on a date with another man or throw away CDs or other objects that you had while you were dating someone else (in case that vase or coffee pot reminds you of that other man).
If you give some examples we could help you better.
Last edited by germaine2626; 04-08-2016 at 01:29 PM..
Well, some examples of issues we have fought over are: what I've done with my ex, wearing a pair of shoes gifted to me from an ex in the past, wearing a dress that I wore with an ex on a valentines day years ago...
We discussed the issue last night, and he said that the problem isn't him being afraid to LOSE me (because he knows i'm not going to randomly just run off with some random guy), but that it's just that the fact of me having anything to do with another man bothers him. He said that keeping clothes from an ex (that is our issue right now, I continued to wear a 300 dollar pair of boots my ex gave to in the past) makes him feel like I am not 100% his, because I am keeping ties with men from the past.
He doesn't "forbid" me from doing certain things, but says he will judge me based off of my actions. However, he has indeed forbid me from wearing those clothing items and said if I ever show up in them, he won't break up with me, but instead he will walk away and refuse to spend time with me that day. I purposely avoid anything that I feel might upset him. He used to check my phone almost every time we would see each other but now it is rare and almost never happens.
Him and I have pretty much the same expectations when it comes to relationships, (we're both a bit clingy and insecure but the scale tips in his direction). To me, it feels silly to argue over clothes but the meaning behind it apparently bothers him and is a trigger for his insecurity. I'm wondering how to help with the mentality behind that.
I do not talk to other men, keep in contact with exes, etc. I've always been 100% loyal and honest, which he can see, and he HAS always said he wants to fix this issue and is aware of it. He just doesn't know how to meet in the middle, because for him, it is either one side or the other: high connection and love, or the opposite: distant.
I just read your other thread. There is no helping a guy who is this jealous and insecure. He is not ready to be in a relationship. He needs quite a bit of therapy. It's going to take quite a bit of time for him to get over his insecurities, and this is assuming he actually goes to therapy.
Your best bet is to get out of this relationship now because things are only going to get worse.
You can't fix someone and your boyfriend has no intention of changing. Also, being cheated on in the past is NO EXCUSE. I have been cheated on in the past, so has my husband. But if he acted the way your boyfriend acts, I would not put up with it. I am not his ex, he is not my ex and they have nothing to do with the present. Your boyfriend is not nice and very manipulative and numerous people in your other thread told you as much, you can't fix someone, and you shouldn't go into a relationship thinking you can. Your boyfriend is just making excuses so he can treat you terribly and to justify that to you. It is very very very rare that people like this change, it's usually the opposite and they get worse and more controlling and abusive as time goes on, Your boyfriend has no intention of doing the work to change, he likes how things are, he has full power over you, you do what he says, he does whatever he wants. I can't imagine living like you do. Even when I was 19, the minute and I mean the minute a guy pulled this crap, I was gone.
Yes, it is possibly to have a secure attachment and not act the way he does, and not be joined at the hip or jealous. I am married 13 years and my husband and I have this. We give each other space, have other interests with our own friends, but still are very close and spend time together. You and your boyfriend won't have this, you want him to change, he has no intention of doing so, he is extremely manipulative with you and you just make excuses for him.
I don't think you realize this, but being clingy is not a sign of love, or a good relationship. Neither is control.
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