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I have a friend of mine that I've know probably 20 years. Since I've known him he's only had one serious relationship, (I wanna say it lasted 3-4 years),. Last year about this time he said that he'd like to get involved with someone. Maybe not get married but at least have significant other. He said to me that it would be nice wake up next to a girlfriend in bed and have a girlfriend to spend the holidays with do stuff with. He's in his 40's so going out to the bars wasn't an option for him. I asked him about any co-workers but he said there weren't any and he didn't want to date a co-worker anyway. So in July he meets a woman that's a few hours drive away. The first time he went down to meet her he had to get a hotel room she didn't let him stay there, (kind of weird since you're meeting to date, I understand not wanting to sleep together right off the bat, but he could've slept on the couch, but then again she never met him before so I understand her point a little),. They did meet on a dating site. Since then she yet to come up to where he lives, yes she owns a car. I'm under the assumption they haven't had sex yet, I don't know if they even kiss, he hasn't told me that have. Every time I ask him how things are going with her he responds "we're friends." The kicker is she has borrowed money from him, but yet she makes more money, they both have good jobs though. So I flat out told him that she is stringing him along. I said after nine months she can't even give you the satisfaction of saying yes we're an item or no we're not. I also told him that if you're not an item after nine months of talking and being around each other you're never gonna be an item. He claims she's scared. I said that's a cop-out. She put herself out there on a dating site didn't she? She's a good looking woman, I've seen pics, earns good money, so I said there's a strong possibility she could be sleeping with someone on the side or she shouldn't have a hard time finding someone. I said even if I give her the benefit of the doubt that she really is scared she wouldn't still be talking to you. She wouldn't answer your calls and texts and in some roundabout way she would blow you off and you would get the hint.
So I told him this is most likely what's going on. She met you, but wasn't into you romantically. All of us have been on dates. You know after one date, or less, if you want more dates because there's potential or there isn't gonna be more dates because the chemistry isn't there. She didn't have the spine to tell you. You "friended" her. Which is the absolute worst thing that you could do if you're seeking a romantic relationship with this woman. I'm sure many will agree with me that 99% of the time when a guy becomes "friends" with a woman it won't go any level beyond that. Now before I go any further I'm not with my friend on dates lol I can only go off of what he tells me. I said to him by becoming friends with her you've basically said that I'll "hang around" even though you're not into me. So she's taking advantage of it. I told him that last summer after you two were seeing each other for a month that you said you felt you were being taken advantage of by always buying dinner, buying this and buying that. I said that combined with the fact that she's borrowing a few hundred dollars from you when she doesn't even consider you a boyfriend is a HUGE red flag! Then I said you mentioned she's moody and sometimes kind of nasty her texts, maybe I'm reading into this too much but that's possibly her way of trying to severe ties, by being mean hoping to create conflict? Isn't that what happens lots of times when relationships fail? When one partner falls out of love with the other but doesn't have the courage to come out and say it, (which is a hard thing to do),. Create conflict by either being hostile or cheating on someone. I said to him look, she was never into you romantically, you served her need by keeping her company, and lending her money and buying her things, but if you're looking for a relationship, and you told me you were, you're wasting your time and looking in the wrong place and need to look elsewhere.
He got taken back. I said I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but as a friend I'm brutally honest going off of what you tell me and my own life experiences. He said maybe I was right. I get the impression that he's holding out hope though. In all the years I've known him he's only had one relationship, (the one mentioned above),. Which is odd because I would think he'd have more. He's tall, has a good job, keeps himself in good shape. Maybe when he's with a girl though there's certain characteristics has that's a turn-off. I don't know. Any thoughts. People I've talked to outside of cyber space agree with me. It's a rainy day trying to get some opinions
Well, to be clear, you aren't a part of their relationship so you have no clue what is going on with them.
So yeah, your "advice"'was really heavy-handed and I'd guess not particularly accurate. I don't agree with half your theories about what they are doing.
The borrowing money is a red flag, but where is it written that he has to tell you about their sex life?
You owe your friend an apology for being so presumptuous.
The only way I would give anyone advice is if they asked me to.
Otherwise, stay out of it.
Exactly what made you think you had to the right to give your male friend unsolicited advice? You did not mention that he asked you for advice, and so my answer is it was not your place to do what you did.
presumptuous: too confident especially in a way that is rude : done or made without permission, right, or good reason;
overstepping due bounds (as of propriety or courtesy)
And yes, you overstepped your bounds.
heavy-handed: dealing with people or problems in a severe or harsh way : too strict or controlling
Your behavior reminds me of what a former female friend of my husband told him after the first time she met me.... "she is not good enough for you." The thing was this.... she did not even know me. My husband told me this after it happened. So yes, I would have said she was presumptuous and heavy-handed, and that behavior is irritating to me.
Last edited by snugglegirl05; 04-11-2016 at 08:51 AM..
He's your friend. You told him what's up (and you were right on the mark). However, it's his life and he gets to make his own decisions. It was good that you told him, but now you can leave him to make his own decisions and face the consequences from those.
IThe first time he went down to meet her he had to get a hotel room she didn't let him stay there, (kind of weird since you're meeting to date, I understand not wanting to sleep together right off the bat, but he could've slept on the couch, but then again she never met him before so I understand her point a little),. They did meet on a dating site.
If you don't know better than this, then please never EVER use OLD.
You seem so invested in your friend's relationship. Why? Do you like him?
That is a good question.
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If you don't know better than this, then please never EVER use OLD.
