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Old 04-14-2016, 09:46 PM
 
6,824 posts, read 4,851,628 times
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Some good advice here. I'm old school in working through things as opposed to cutting and running. It sounds like there is intimate and communication issues in the marriage. Too bad you two couldn't take some alone time to do something and just talk about these issues. I'm sure you care about her situation losing her mother. If not than that is a red flag that empathy and compassion is not very good on your end of things.

Maybe it doesn't have to be game over. I'll be honest though no way I could go 5 years without sex while in a marriage. This has been going downhill for a while it seems and it may take time to pull things in the other direction.

Last edited by Mikelee81; 04-14-2016 at 10:28 PM..
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Old 04-14-2016, 09:55 PM
 
Location: So Cal
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Put in a few more yrs till the kids are a bit older and then see.

Sad situation, sorry to hear it.
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Old 04-15-2016, 10:38 AM
 
1,882 posts, read 1,009,577 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikelee81 View Post
Maybe it doesn't have to be game over. I'll be honest though no way I could go 5 years without sex while in a marriage.
Yep. It's not a marriage. It's a farce.

And don't think the kids don't pick up on it, either. They do. And the OP and his wife are teaching them that this is how love and marriage work. The responsible thing to do would be to split up.
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Old 04-15-2016, 11:49 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
72,352 posts, read 63,815,944 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JasperJade View Post
Yep. It's not a marriage. It's a farce.

And don't think the kids don't pick up on it, either. They do. And the OP and his wife are teaching them that this is how love and marriage work. The responsible thing to do would be to split up.
The responsible thing to have done would have been to talk out the estrangement back when it was developing, get mom some grief counseling while explaining to the kids that mom's having a tough time over grandma's death, work out a strategy for struggling through menopause while keeping lines of communication open, and re-evaluate after the dust settled.

But its too late now. Relationships take work, they don't just coast along on their own. Life happens, and ups and downs need to be dealt with as a couple. And if that's too difficult or seems too onerous, if there's not a good foundation of communication and caring already set up when the tough times hit, counseling can be a resource for getting some coping skills and learning how to open up and have good communication. One wonders how emotionally close and committed this couple was from the get-go.

Best wishes if you decide in the future to give marriage another try, OP. Best wishes for your current partner, who sounds like she needs some professional help processing everything she's been through and has yet to go through.

Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 04-15-2016 at 12:13 PM..
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Old 04-15-2016, 11:34 PM
 
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Sorry folks. I didn't listen to the whole video. Hopefully no one was offended. Tom is a trip.
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Old 04-16-2016, 12:16 AM
 
Location: The sleepy part of New York City
1,865 posts, read 1,032,091 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheRandyGuy View Post
Ruth: It was OK, not great. The combo of the physical effects of menopause, coupled with the mental impact of her mother's death (they were VERY close - traveled together extensively for several years), resulted in someone even she admits is very difficult to live with. One of our boys told her on Halloween night "You need help, Mom. You are really hard to be around and you treat Dad awful." From the mouths of babes... Nothing changed, she simply ignored it. Relationships die slowly, and ours has been heading in this direction for a long time.
Between meno and the loss of her mom she's probably suffering from depression. Her mom seemed to be a big part of her life and now she's gone. It took me a while to get over my mothers death. thankfully, my husband was understanding and supportive. Does your wife have anyone she confides in or is friendly with?

Have you suggested she talk to her physician, or a therapist? She needs help but she may not realize it.

Good luck to you and her.
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Old 04-16-2016, 08:00 AM
 
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OP-Leave the marriage. It is not salvageable. You should have left after no sex for 4 months, let alone 4 years.
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Old 04-16-2016, 08:06 AM
 
Location: Howaboutno?
178 posts, read 105,132 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheRandyGuy View Post
23 years in, two teen age boys. How did I get here? I don't like her, she doesn't like me (clearly). No sex in more than 4 years (and that doesn't bother me at all - the idea of doing that is simply unappealing). I cannot fathom spending the rest of my life with her. She, on the other hand, rejects the idea of divorce. I know, she can't prevent it if I decide to move ahead, but she'll be ugly about it. I was a family law attorney for several years, I know the process. We have no real problems: Financially very successful, good health, from the outside it's a good image. I'm not a cheater, not looking to out-source and will NEVER do the marriage/relationship thing again. When the boys finish high school, we'll have the ugly conversation. Right now, I dread my life.....
Men aren't wired for this kind of life, despite all the lies we're told & we even tell ourselves. This pair bonding is in the best interest of everyone but men... The longer you put it off, the worse it will be. IF you decide to move ahead? Do you think it's going to improve over time or worsen? haha

Say goodbye to half of everything your worked for. Say hello to the parts of yourself you've been missing. The best solution is to never get married ITFP.
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Old 04-16-2016, 08:09 AM
 
Location: Howaboutno?
178 posts, read 105,132 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound View Post
Put in a few more yrs till the kids are a bit older and then see.

Sad situation, sorry to hear it.
Now here is an example of how men's time is viewed as worthless. Good luck dealing w/ an auto technician or a plumber that way.
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Old 04-16-2016, 08:11 AM
 
Location: Howaboutno?
178 posts, read 105,132 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
So you are teaching your childen it is okay to be nasty to each other because the other person will not leave no matter what.


Hmmmm.
The man's fault, as usual..
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