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23 years in, two teen age boys. How did I get here? I don't like her, she doesn't like me (clearly). No sex in more than 4 years (and that doesn't bother me at all - the idea of doing that is simply unappealing). I cannot fathom spending the rest of my life with her. She, on the other hand, rejects the idea of divorce. I know, she can't prevent it if I decide to move ahead, but she'll be ugly about it. I was a family law attorney for several years, I know the process. We have no real problems: Financially very successful, good health, from the outside it's a good image. I'm not a cheater, not looking to out-source and will NEVER do the marriage/relationship thing again. When the boys finish high school, we'll have the ugly conversation. Right now, I dread my life.....
23 years in, two teen age boys. How did I get here? I don't like her, she doesn't like me (clearly). No sex in more than 4 years (and that doesn't bother me at all - the idea of doing that is simply unappealing). I cannot fathom spending the rest of my life with her. She, on the other hand, rejects the idea of divorce. I know, she can't prevent it if I decide to move ahead, but she'll be ugly about it. I was a family law attorney for several years, I know the process. We have no real problems: Financially very successful, good health, from the outside it's a good image. I'm not a cheater, not looking to out-source and will NEVER do the marriage/relationship thing again. When the boys finish high school, we'll have the ugly conversation. Right now, I dread my life.....
Mate you're your own man I'm sure you know what to do mate surely?, if you're worried about the boys reaction I'm sure they would understand and would want the both of you to be happy
If you carry on as you are I can invision more problems ahead that make well effect you as a family get out now.
Whew. This is tough and very common. The infatuation wears off but during that time there are often very young children, so you stick it out...then the children start growing up and...what's left?
I have been reading The Five Love Languages and it points out that love is something you do, actively. I don't think I'm explaining that right, LOL...I mean it's up to you...do you want to try to "like" her again? (I fully get that, BTW.) If not, it's probably time to split up but if you feel there's ANYTHING there then it will take a concerted effort on BOTH your parts. How does your wife feel? Do you know? I don't mean about just not wanting to be divorced. That may have little, or nothing, to do with love. Does she love you? Like you? Does she show you affection? Is it solely not wanting to be divorced on principle/for financial reasons, or not wanting to leave you, specifically...as a person?
JerZ: She ignores me 29 days out of the month, then on day 30 she tells me she loves me and wants to restart the physical relationship (she stopped it on her own accord - "Going through some things" {menopause, death of her Mom}). I don't care anymore, it's all about my boys now. I go along to get along but the reality is there's precious little remaining. The financial impact would be substantial, but not devastating. I won't consider leaving until they finish high school and are off to college. Again, this isn't about sex, I don't do porn, drink or do drugs. I don't gamble. I'm not a bad guy, but this is not the life I want for the rest of my life. Thanks for answering.
I was in your exact situation 22 years in, teenage kids, no sex for 5 years and the thought of it was horrid. I was lucky, she didn't fight me on anything and we co-parent with our kids now 18 and 15. They stay where they want to within reason. I couldn't imagine living one more year being unhappy. It wasn't like we were bad to each other, it was just that we had both changed so much and had nothing in common. At all. She is much happier now and so am I.
I also thought I was going to have to wait until the kids graduated to be free but I didn't and in my humble opinion, neither should you.
Sanguisman: Thanks for your reply. This is one of those situations where you'd better be sure before you act, I'm well aware of it. Funny thing is, I believe she knows how unhappy we BOTH are, but the devil you know is better than the devil you don't. IMHO, the biggest mistake people make is not having an exit plan AND the goal that goes with it. "Get out" is the goal but you'd better do it the right way. Buddy of mine sees a psychologist and she asks him "What's your bottom line? What is the most you'll take and the least you'll accept?" I remember that and think about it a lot.
Sanguisman: Thanks for your reply. This is one of those situations where you'd better be sure before you act, I'm well aware of it. Funny thing is, I believe she knows how unhappy we BOTH are, but the devil you know is better than the devil you don't. IMHO, the biggest mistake people make is not having an exit plan AND the goal that goes with it. "Get out" is the goal but you'd better do it the right way. Buddy of mine sees a psychologist and she asks him "What's your bottom line? What is the most you'll take and the least you'll accept?" I remember that and think about it a lot.
Totally agree, my brother just dropped $44,000 in attorney fees to excise his alcoholic, tumor of a wife. Is he happier, yes. Is he financially devastated, yes. I guess it depends on the situation as each one is different and many things need to be weighed out. I hope you get to find happiness soon and wish you the best in your situation sir.
23 years in, two teen age boys. How did I get here? I don't like her, she doesn't like me (clearly). No sex in more than 4 years (and that doesn't bother me at all - the idea of doing that is simply unappealing). I cannot fathom spending the rest of my life with her. She, on the other hand, rejects the idea of divorce. I know, she can't prevent it if I decide to move ahead, but she'll be ugly about it. I was a family law attorney for several years, I know the process. We have no real problems: Financially very successful, good health, from the outside it's a good image. I'm not a cheater, not looking to out-source and will NEVER do the marriage/relationship thing again. When the boys finish high school, we'll have the ugly conversation. Right now, I dread my life.....
Get out now! Don't waste some of your remaining good years pretending for your boys sake! Everybody will probably be happier if you do what you know you have to do.
Totally agree, my brother just dropped $44,000 in attorney fees to excise his alcoholic, tumor of a wife..
LOL! Oh dear, haha, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
OP, you mentioned she'd told you that she'd been going through menopause. How was the relationship before that? Was it already in trouble, or is the current situation more the result of midlife changes? Some women have a miserable struggle at that time of life, and divorces can result, but sometimes it's a matter of weathering the prolonged storm, then taking steps together to get back on track. IF she consistently wants to make an effort (counseling together, weight loss, exercising together, whatever), then maybe....? No? Oh well. I gave it a shot.
Time is the most precious gift we have, I for one will not waist another very unhappy day.
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get out now.
