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A little background: my husband and I have been together since high school. He's a very caring person and I love him a lot, but he is often completely unable to take accountability for his actions. I'm really trying not to nag him about things, but when they have a negative effect on me and our family (we have a small child), I don't know how to approach him. He is incredibly defensive about EVERYTHING, and I can't even make a comment about something that bothers me without him going into some spiral of frustration and defensiveness. The major issues right now are:
- We both work full time, but his schedule is different every day. I handle everything else around the house: bills, finances, everything. His task is to schedule childcare. At least once a month, he reads his schedule wrong (or forgets he has work), doesn't schedule a babysitter, and leaves me attempting to work from home with a toddler running around. Because of the nature of his work, he can't call out, so I have to pick up the slack. I'm frustrated that my job and my responsibilities always take a back seat to whatever he has to do.
- He is a distracted and aggressive driver. He's gotten multiple speeding tickets, had a major car accident, and frequently checks his phone in the car even though I repeatedly ask him to put it away. This morning, he almost turned into oncoming traffic because he saw something that distracted him. He always blames his near-misses on other people on the road. I'm terrified that he'll get in another accident with me and our child in the car. He is infuriated every time I bring up his driving and says I'm nagging him about it. I've told him I'm afraid but I don't think he believes me.
- General household issues ALWAYS fall to me because he forgets about them or doesn't notice that things need to be done. He was going to file our taxes, but forgot, and then blamed me for "not reminding him." Cleaning or picking up after himself rarely happens unless I remind him.
Honestly, I feel like I have to do everything for it to get done. I'm tired of nagging and tired of the same old things repeating themselves over and over. I understand that his job is stressful- I think job stress has a lot to do with his behavior- but I don't know how to improve the situation and I'm not happy with the status quo. I've brought up the possibility of seeing a counselor to work through some of the issues, but he seems hurt by the suggestion. Where do we go from here?
A little background: my husband and I have been together since high school. He's a very caring person and I love him a lot, but he is often completely unable to take accountability for his actions. I'm really trying not to nag him about things, but when they have a negative effect on me and our family (we have a small child), I don't know how to approach him. He is incredibly defensive about EVERYTHING, and I can't even make a comment about something that bothers me without him going into some spiral of frustration and defensiveness. The major issues right now are:
- We both work full time, but his schedule is different every day. I handle everything else around the house: bills, finances, everything. His task is to schedule childcare. At least once a month, he reads his schedule wrong (or forgets he has work), doesn't schedule a babysitter, and leaves me attempting to work from home with a toddler running around. Because of the nature of his work, he can't call out, so I have to pick up the slack. I'm frustrated that my job and my responsibilities always take a back seat to whatever he has to do.
- He is a distracted and aggressive driver. He's gotten multiple speeding tickets, had a major car accident, and frequently checks his phone in the car even though I repeatedly ask him to put it away. This morning, he almost turned into oncoming traffic because he saw something that distracted him. He always blames his near-misses on other people on the road. I'm terrified that he'll get in another accident with me and our child in the car. He is infuriated every time I bring up his driving and says I'm nagging him about it. I've told him I'm afraid but I don't think he believes me.
- General household issues ALWAYS fall to me because he forgets about them or doesn't notice that things need to be done. He was going to file our taxes, but forgot, and then blamed me for "not reminding him." Cleaning or picking up after himself rarely happens unless I remind him.
Honestly, I feel like I have to do everything for it to get done. I'm tired of nagging and tired of the same old things repeating themselves over and over. I understand that his job is stressful- I think job stress has a lot to do with his behavior- but I don't know how to improve the situation and I'm not happy with the status quo. I've brought up the possibility of seeing a counselor to work through some of the issues, but he seems hurt by the suggestion. Where do we go from here?
Go to counseling. That's probably the best way to resolve things with him. Even then, it might not work if he remains defensive.
Here is what my husband I and did and it ended up working well.
Sit down and decide what chores you HATE to do and what you don't mind so much.
My husband hates talking to strangers, so if we have to schedule a doctor appt, order pizza, talk to a neighbor; that falls to me.
I hate cooking, haven't cooked a meal in 15 years. Hooray!
We both take on the tasks that the other person loathes. This way, I'm grateful every time he cooks and he is grateful when I bring the neighbor the mail they accidentally put in our mailbox.
But the key is this: If I'm responsible for laundry, I better damn well do it. Otherwise, the whole system collapses.
I had our kids split up their chores this way too. One cleans up after dinner and the other one is responsible for vacuuming. The one that vacuums pays the other one $5 a week to do the dishes. They are both happy with this arrangement.
I would refuse to ride in the car with him until he changes his driving habits and absolutely don't let your child in the car with him. This is the only thing that will cause him to change. Make him hand his phone to you when he's driving also. Or insist that you do all the driving.
In the meantime, either you drive or drive separately from him.
Thanks, this is a good suggestion. Unfortunately, I broke my right foot in March, so I can't drive at least for two more weeks . Trying to Uber as much as possible, but he is responsible for picking our son up from daycare right now, which is part of the reason that I've been so insistent on him changing his driving habits. No family in the area who can help out with this, either.
I can only suggest counseling (mediator) so effective communication can possibly be reestablished. Convey that you're unhappy and something need to be done.
A little background: my husband and I have been together since high school. He's a very caring person and I love him a lot, but he is often completely unable to take accountability for his actions. I'm really trying not to nag him about things, but when they have a negative effect on me and our family (we have a small child), I don't know how to approach him. He is incredibly defensive about EVERYTHING, and I can't even make a comment about something that bothers me without him going into some spiral of frustration and defensiveness. The major issues right now are:
- We both work full time, but his schedule is different every day. I handle everything else around the house: bills, finances, everything. His task is to schedule childcare. At least once a month, he reads his schedule wrong (or forgets he has work), doesn't schedule a babysitter, and leaves me attempting to work from home with a toddler running around. Because of the nature of his work, he can't call out, so I have to pick up the slack. I'm frustrated that my job and my responsibilities always take a back seat to whatever he has to do.
- He is a distracted and aggressive driver. He's gotten multiple speeding tickets, had a major car accident, and frequently checks his phone in the car even though I repeatedly ask him to put it away. This morning, he almost turned into oncoming traffic because he saw something that distracted him. He always blames his near-misses on other people on the road. I'm terrified that he'll get in another accident with me and our child in the car. He is infuriated every time I bring up his driving and says I'm nagging him about it. I've told him I'm afraid but I don't think he believes me.
- General household issues ALWAYS fall to me because he forgets about them or doesn't notice that things need to be done. He was going to file our taxes, but forgot, and then blamed me for "not reminding him." Cleaning or picking up after himself rarely happens unless I remind him.
Honestly, I feel like I have to do everything for it to get done. I'm tired of nagging and tired of the same old things repeating themselves over and over. I understand that his job is stressful- I think job stress has a lot to do with his behavior- but I don't know how to improve the situation and I'm not happy with the status quo. I've brought up the possibility of seeing a counselor to work through some of the issues, but he seems hurt by the suggestion. Where do we go from here?
Where you go is marriage counseling or divorce court and both involve your husband and yourself, where these issues need to stay not posted on a public forum for a bunch of random strangers to give an ill informed guess what *might* work for two people no one knows.
If your husband won't go with you to counseling, go by yourself and follow the guidance given there.
Take a vacation have some rest, that is needed too. As a family I mean you ,your husband and kid. And try not to nag too much. Some men does not like to hear things repeating over and over.
I am sorry. Sounds like you married my ex husband. We split up 10 years ago and he his still the same way. We did years of marriage counseling before I said enough was enough. Good luck.
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. Trying to Uber as much as possible, but he is responsible for picking our son up from daycare right now, which is part of the reason that I've been so insistent on him changing his driving habits. No family in the area who can help out with this, either.
