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Old 05-04-2016, 09:38 PM
 
4,541 posts, read 1,155,617 times
Reputation: 2143

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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbieHere View Post
Yes I agree, but what he wants her to go through is not nice. If there is a problem in her marriage, they should sit down and work it out. They both need counseling. This is not an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth culture.
Well it's honestly no one's business but their own but I would admittedly be pretty upset and hurt too although I don't feel it's necessary to tell her friends.
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Old 05-04-2016, 10:45 PM
 
469 posts, read 397,369 times
Reputation: 1810
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mvc View Post
Don't know about your parents or your friends. But the affair partner's wife has a right to know. Either you or your husband should tell her that her husband cheated on her. Sounds like your husband's level of anger over your affair may end your marriage, this is understandable and it's unfortunate but it's your fault op. Trust in a marriage is very important and once broken can be impossible to restore. He sounds like a good guy, too bad.

Yes, I agree with this. Affairs flourish in secret and this is a good way to keep it from carrying on in the future. And it IS the OP's place to tell her. OP has harmed W's wife and is responsible for confessing to her. W's wife needs, and has every right, to know the reality of her marriage so she can make an informed decision about her life. Not to mention STDs.
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Old 05-05-2016, 01:03 AM
 
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
5,886 posts, read 10,501,711 times
Reputation: 4494
This is like Hawthorne in the XXI century
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Old 05-05-2016, 01:58 AM
 
3 posts, read 6,610 times
Reputation: 18
Hi.

I didn't expect to get so many replies ! I thank all of you for your advice and insight.

Someone here mentioned that it is only a matter of time until everyone finds out. I guess that is most likely true. If we do break up, people are going to ask why and he'll probably tell (and possibly me too). At the moment it seems that the only pathway to a possible reconciliation is for me to submit to his conditions. I guess I will have to tell my parents. They are already sensing that something with not right, and they are living in another country! After all, healing (if it ever happens), will take a long time.

I am still unsure if I would tell W's wife. Majority here seem to think I shouldn't, but some do, and both made good arguments. It's something I will have to consider.

I am however, still reluctant to tell my best friends. I am convinced that word will get out. My parents live in a small community and if everyone (and I am sure everyone will) know it will be very hard for them. I know its my fault and I should have thought about this before embarking on something so foolish.

At least A hasn't given me a 'deadline'. He hasn't spoken about this for the past few days. At the moment I'm open to telling my parents (because I think they will eventually find out anyway), and maybe even W's wife.

Again, thank you to all of you for your advice and insight. There are many points here which I have not considered and I am grateful.
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Old 05-05-2016, 03:35 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
16,961 posts, read 17,288,409 times
Reputation: 30257
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbird250 View Post
Hi.

I didn't expect to get so many replies ! I thank all of you for your advice and insight.

Someone here mentioned that it is only a matter of time until everyone finds out. I guess that is most likely true. If we do break up, people are going to ask why and he'll probably tell (and possibly me too). At the moment it seems that the only pathway to a possible reconciliation is for me to submit to his conditions. I guess I will have to tell my parents. They are already sensing that something with not right, and they are living in another country! After all, healing (if it ever happens), will take a long time.

I am still unsure if I would tell W's wife. Majority here seem to think I shouldn't, but some do, and both made good arguments. It's something I will have to consider.

I am however, still reluctant to tell my best friends. I am convinced that word will get out. My parents live in a small community and if everyone (and I am sure everyone will) know it will be very hard for them. I know its my fault and I should have thought about this before embarking on something so foolish.

At least A hasn't given me a 'deadline'. He hasn't spoken about this for the past few days. At the moment I'm open to telling my parents (because I think they will eventually find out anyway), and maybe even W's wife.

Again, thank you to all of you for your advice and insight. There are many points here which I have not considered and I am grateful.
Very well.

Good Luck
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Old 05-05-2016, 10:20 AM
 
6,806 posts, read 4,891,306 times
Reputation: 8594
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbird250 View Post
Hi.

I didn't expect to get so many replies ! I thank all of you for your advice and insight.

Someone here mentioned that it is only a matter of time until everyone finds out. I guess that is most likely true. If we do break up, people are going to ask why and he'll probably tell (and possibly me too). At the moment it seems that the only pathway to a possible reconciliation is for me to submit to his conditions. I guess I will have to tell my parents. They are already sensing that something with not right, and they are living in another country! After all, healing (if it ever happens), will take a long time.

I am still unsure if I would tell W's wife. Majority here seem to think I shouldn't, but some do, and both made good arguments. It's something I will have to consider.

I am however, still reluctant to tell my best friends. I am convinced that word will get out. My parents live in a small community and if everyone (and I am sure everyone will) know it will be very hard for them. I know its my fault and I should have thought about this before embarking on something so foolish.

At least A hasn't given me a 'deadline'. He hasn't spoken about this for the past few days. At the moment I'm open to telling my parents (because I think they will eventually find out anyway), and maybe even W's wife.

Again, thank you to all of you for your advice and insight. There are many points here which I have not considered and I am grateful.
I can pretty much guarantee that things won't work out if you submit to his blackmail. This is no one's business except for you and him. Marriage counseling would be your best bet. It sounds like you are going to have to learn the hard way, though.

If you do end up doing it his way, just tell everyone you cheated because you got tired of him being so bad in bed and having a small penis.
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Old 05-05-2016, 10:58 AM
 
Location: SoCal
20,160 posts, read 12,713,073 times
Reputation: 16993
You don't have to tell people why you break up with him. It's nobody business. Really, tell them it's between him and you. If he wants to tell everybody, that's his business. Same with telling W's wife. W should tell his wife. I would hate to receive a phone call like that.
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Old 05-05-2016, 11:19 AM
 
30,907 posts, read 32,923,411 times
Reputation: 26919
If you do tell your parents, personally, I'd do it in a mature way. "Mom, Dad, I can tell you're sensing things aren't per the usual and I wanted to let you know from me first, rather than having to find out for yourselves. A and I have been experiencing some problems. I don't want to go into details and make you uncomfortable, this is for us to work out privately, BUT you may hear at some point that I strayed from the marriage. This is actually true. I regret it and am working it out with A. I am not sure what direction we will go in yet but we'd both love just your support at this time. If you're not ready yet to be supportive we understand that too."

And that's it.
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Old 05-05-2016, 11:41 AM
 
1,881 posts, read 1,479,150 times
Reputation: 4533
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
I can pretty much guarantee that things won't work out if you submit to his blackmail. This is no one's business except for you and him. Marriage counseling would be your best bet. It sounds like you are going to have to learn the hard way, though.

If you do end up doing it his way, just tell everyone you cheated because you got tired of him being so bad in bed and having a small penis.

LMAO.

Or "hey, he's a vindictive control-freak incapable of facing adversity and resolving conflicts like an adult, and I got tired of his bossy, manipulative crap and decided to distract myself with a grown-up."
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Old 05-05-2016, 12:05 PM
 
8,076 posts, read 10,035,259 times
Reputation: 22658
Number one rule of family: What happens inside the family, stays inside the family. You don't discuss it with anyone.


If your husband is unhappy with your affair, and won't forgive you, then your marriage is over. Have the conversation and leave.


If he is trying to guilt trip you, that is abuse. See advice above.


He is behaving like a child. "I am going to tell on you". Fine. Tell. He'll look like a jerk (and a fool).


Go talk to your boyfriend. Maybe there is a future. Wouldn't be the first time.....me included.
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