Need to end a 12 year relationship. No idea how. (how to, women, lover)
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So, wow ok... I have been with my partner for nearly 12 years. We get on very well, own a nice home together and rarely fight.
It is a very comfortable relationship, but I feel like we’re just friends. It’s not really about the lack of sex, either. While yes I miss sex, it’s BEING with someone I don’t want to have sex with that is the hard part. If that makes any sense? Lying down next to someone I don’t want to touch me every night. Not because I'm repulsed by him, but because I see him in a platonic light and it just feels wrong. Avoiding sex constantly. I guess what I mean is I'm not going insane with horniness. I can live without sex but not without being with someone I desire.
There is a 19 year age difference between us (me 35 him 54). I was very young when we met and have changed a lot as a person.
I eat well and exercise. In 12 years I don't think I have once seen him cook. He lives on bread and sauce and is very overweight. I have tried to help by cooking him certain things or suggesting he comes for e.g. a run with me but he is always full of excuses. Either that or he calls me a “nag”. I do alot of things on my own as he has no desire to be an active person.
I know I need to break it off. I've known for a while and I'm robbing both of us every day that I stay. Deep down I know this relationship isn’t right for me anymore. I absolutely love him, but not the way that I should.
I want to travel, and I don’t just mean once every few years when we can afford it. I mean REALLY travel. Take an annual trip to New York (I live in Australia). Go somewhere different in the world every year, if only for a week. Keep my job but work overseas, even if only for a month. Serving drinks, cleaning hotel rooms, whatever it takes. All very attainable desires people have made me feel are an unrealistic fantasy. Heck maybe even quit my job and live elsewhere.
He is happy to just sit at home and pay the mortgage. If I am being completely honest I never really wanted to be a homeowner and in the 3 years we’ve owned I’ve hated every minute. The responsibility, the cost, the maintenance. I allowed myself to be convinced by others that this was "best" for me, the "wise financial decision". While they may be right, at this point in my life it’s not what I want. Whenever I try to talk to anyone about this they accuse me of being irresponsible and immature. I thought things would get better but I just hate it. I pour every cent I earn into things I don't want; television, a car... all these things I could happily live without. A roof over my head, a hot meal and a warm bed and I am satisfied at home. He tells me that's "just life" and I tell him no, it's OUR life. Everything we have is a choice, not a necessity.
He has done NOTHING wrong. He still adores me after all this time and treats me wonderfully. He is a truly great man, but in terms of us continuing to be a couple I just don’t feel it anymore.
He was my white knight when I needed one and now I don't need rescuing anymore. I want to be very much alone and fending for myself. I know that sounds awful but I am just trying hard to be brutally honest. With myself especially.
Please help. How in the world do I say the words? How do I help him understand? How do I help my family who love him understand? Every time I go to say what I need to say the words just won’t come out. I need to stop taking the easy way out because it's simpler than selling our house, than having that awful conversation, than hurting him.
Last edited by TinaTraveller; 05-09-2016 at 12:49 AM..
Gee. This is a tough one. Have you made up your mind already? I cannot tell if you will change your mind if he exercise and travel with you.
Your desire to travel and not owning a house does sound immature for a 35 years old. But if you are in a serious relationship at 23, I wonder if you never went thru a phase of just rent and do whatever you want for a while. So, you are longing for that carefree lifestyle.
He has done NOTHING wrong. He still adores me after all this time and treats me wonderfully. He is a truly great man, but in terms of us continuing to be a couple I just don’t feel it anymore.
I'm not saying you're wrong to want to end it. No one should be in a relationship just because. You both want or are fine with different life goals right now. You've also revealed that he has let himself go, which isn't right for either sex. That said, you WILL devastate your husband. Women stick with men who cheat on them, beat and abuse them, and here is a man who is faithful, able to provide, and loves you, and you want to leave him. You're right, it's not fair to either of you, but I would ask you to try and make the decision together. Not in a "last chance" kind of way, but it sounds like he deserves that much. I cannot believe I'm actually going to applaud your decision to come to these realizations on your own, because this type of falling out of love is usually triggered by meeting a potential new partner. Best of luck to you.
The problem is not the 12 years relationship, Either you live in a non realistic fantasy or he is depressed. Age gap has nothing to do. Your post remind me HS student who dream for many things who gotta no cent in the pocket. I have been there but I full filled my dreams. May be you are interested in a carefree lifestyle but remember someday you will be alone and may be ill, then may be you gotta no white knight to rescue you.
Quote:
He was my white knight when I needed one and now I don't need rescuing anymore.
your that phrase give me the feeling you need some one when you in a trouble. May this person did that but it is not going to happen all the time. For me it is a selfish feeling. Ask your own self if you are truly honest?? All the best in what ever the decision you take!
Edit: I wish my ex husband was that kind OP! Seriously he was king of cheating, lying,harassing,threatening,mental abuse, may be there is even more. Be happy that you have a good husband and try to work it out. May be he is overweight may be he is lazy may be is not doing any household stuff. But those are not real matters. Comparing to what I went through.
Your desire to travel and not owning a house does sound immature for a 35 years old. But if you are in a serious relationship at 23, I wonder if you never went thru a phase of just rent and do whatever you want for a while. So, you are longing for that carefree lifestyle.
May I ask why you consider it immature to want to travel instead of owning a home?
I've never been single. Before him I was in 2 other relationships from the age of 16.
Quote:
Originally Posted by manteca man
Women stick with men who cheat on them, beat and abuse them, and here is a man who is faithful, able to provide, and loves you, and you want to leave him. You're right, it's not fair to either of you, but I would ask you to try and make the decision together. Not in a "last chance" kind of way, but it sounds like he deserves that much. I cannot believe I'm actually going to applaud your decision to come to these realizations on your own, because this type of falling out of love is usually triggered by meeting a potential new partner. Best of luck to you.
So because he doesn't hit me or beat me up like any decent man I should consider myself lucky and just accept things the way they are?
That's the hardest part. There is no one else. The only other person is me!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeurich
The problem is not the 12 years relationship, Either you live in a non realistic fantasy or he is depressed. Age gap has nothing to do. Your post remind me HS student who dream for many things who gotta no cent in the pocket. I have been there but I full filled my dreams. May be you are interested in a carefree lifestyle but remember someday you will be alone and may be ill, then may be you gotta no white knight to rescue you.
What is non realistic about what I want to do?
So I should stay with him forever in case I fall ill and have no one?
I've never encountered responses like this on any forum. Wow.
OP: If you want to leave the relationship then do so but quit using excuses as to why you can't end the relationship.
Everyone knows how to end a relationship they usually just choose not to end it because *it's too hard* to go through the emotional issues that go along with ending relationships.
So make the choice to end it immediately or stay and continue to complain about something you can control.
From your perspective you've grown apart. From your perspective the relationship doesn't fulfill your needs. From your perspective you are trapped in a situation that isn't allowing you to spread your wings the way you want to.
Being in a relationship where the two participants aren't on the same level is difficult. He's in a comfort zone, happy with thee way things are per your explanation. I have no way to know if that's true or not because what you see on the surface isn't necessarily true underneath. (have you ever asked him if there are issues behind his happiness?). You are not in a happy place in a whole and complete way. You need to decide how to live your life. If you're not happy and feel trapped, you are only kidding yourself by staying and hanging on while being sad inside. Just think of all the possible scenarios with your move. You could become lonely and want to come back, and maybe he won't be there for you. Maybe you personally dislike the age gap and how you differ in your health approach. Those are real, and if they bother you, they might never go away.
The decision is yours. We make decisions our whole lives, and sometimes, a human being stands in the way and there is collateral damage.
To break up, the customary approach is to tell your partner, then move out. Don't ask him for anything, as you appear to have been using him for awhile. Do the adult thing and put him out of his misery because I guarantee he knows how you feel about him.
But I am curious. Why would you ask a middle-aged, very overweight man to go running with you, and then judge him when he says no? Was that some kind of set up to prove your point?
I've never encountered responses like this on any forum. Wow.
Even though you're a longtime lurker here? It surprises you??
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
To break up, the customary approach is to tell your partner, then move out. Don't ask him for anything, as you appear to have been using him for awhile. Do the adult thing and put him out of his misery because I guarantee he knows how you feel about him.
Agree.
Op, there is no easy way to do this. Just tell him what you wrote in your first post. You have lived in this parent-child dynamic for too long now, and it is time for you to learn what independence feels like.
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