Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I felt pretty much like the OP during my engagement. I had been with my gf a similar amount of time too. I ended up getting married. There was no good reason NOT to except that anxiety I felt.
If the OP anything like me... I don't regret it but I don't...not regret it either. If that makes any sense.
You can do what I did which was logically analyze it this way:
Do I love this person?
Do I respect this person?
Do I trust this person?
Would my life be poorer without this person?
Would my life get any better by letting this person go?
Do I want a different person or opportunity for a different person?
I answered, yes, yes, yes, yes, no, no. Getting married seemed to be the only option & she said she was going to move on if I didn't want to. In the end I figured if I don't get married at that juncture, I was never going to & I might as well try with someone I love & trust. What I did not ask my self is do I want to be married at all? Do I know what marriage actually means? Am I happier alone or in low-stakes relationships? I should have asked that. But every big decision is going to have advantages and disadvantages.
However, I don't agree with the people that say you HAVE to be "all-in" and have no doubts whatsoever. Who actually has no doubt or anxiety over making a lifetime commitment? My sense of the OP is that these are "normal" jitters and not deal-breaking feelings. She's known the guy 5 years & lived with him 1.5. What is really going to change? I haven't learned anything new about my wife other than her bathroom schedule mostly. Everything else I pretty much knew or could expect. The OP's fiance will stay the same pretty much. If she realizes that and is okay with it, I think the marriage is okay.
Last edited by redguard57; 05-24-2016 at 12:48 PM..
if you are even asking this question on this forum you should NOT be even thinking of marriage. To marry someone you better be 1000% sure it is what you want to do, even the slightest doubt that they are the person who is meant to be your soulmate and you should not do it.
Again, I love my husband, but no one who is really, truly looking at it from a mature, reflective, and rational perspective can say they will ever be that sure. It is about understanding the difference between the anxiety being about the person or about the level of commitment.
You're less attracted to him than before? Why? When did you first notice your level of attraction had changed? You shouldn't marry someone you're not attracted to, even if they "seem" perfect on paper.
What are the attitudes toward marriage, women and divorce in this country you're living in now? What are HIS attitudes toward those things?
How long is the engagement? How much time do you have to decide?
I remember feeling like I was losing myself...my name. I had this stupid fear that somehow things would change and I wouldn't be me, just a possession lodged under his thumb.
The thing is marriage isn't about me or you. Its about us. Its about working together through the good and the bad, goals for the future of us, and having each others back no matter what.
Nothing in life is 100% perfect. Not a single thing, except maybe life itself. You will have arguments, things might happen that show you Mr Perfect isn't so perfect afterall. But hey, you probably aren't perfection yourself. Mr Strong can be vulnerable, just like you - and stuff like that.
Would you risk your life to save his? Do you believe he would risk his life to save yours?
If so, chances are you will grow old together.
Maybe like me, once you are married, and you are both safely back in your own beds, you will come to realize that you didn't lose yourself, but gained a lifelong partner your can depend on for anything.
Its time for the little girl to stop playing house and grow up. Are you ready for the challenge?
Losing your sex drive probably has less to do with him, and more about what you are doing to yourself with your anxiety over getting married.
If you love him, and know he loves you, then you would be fool not to marry him.
Do you really see something better coming along? If you think you do, and don't marry him, and the something better proves to be a mirage - will you regret not marrying him, and letting him get away?
This statement rings so very true. I, too, got cocky and arrogant with my first girlfriend. I can still say she was the love of my life back when I was 22-25, yet I just didn't realize it. I didn't stick around and respect her, because I thought I could just as easily knock it out of the park with the next woman who came along. Wow, news flash for me.
I'm now 32, still miss those 3 special years in my life. I don't miss her as a person; however, I so miss that connected feeling and how I felt like we could make it through anything if both our heads were pointed in the right direction. It's been 7 years since we broke up and my relationships have gotten shorter and shorter over the years, because none of them feel like my very first one. Maybe my wants are a bit unrealistic, but just that uncontrollable feeling of excitement and healthy emotion has been missing in just about all of my relationships since then. She was a good woman and I let her go for what? Some casual flings and short-term relationships?
She's been married for close to 5 years now and has a toddler son. Her and her family are doing well, yet I standing at the shoreline as I watch my dreams of a family sail away in the distance. Think VERY LONG AND HARD about how you truly feel about this man, and if it's your insecurities and/or ego getting the best of your heart. Finding a partner who loves and respects you is not the easiest task.
a. get married
b. have a child
c. buy a house together
unless you are approximately 10,000% CERTAIN that you want WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND SOUL to do any of the above and that in no way, shape, form or alternate universe could you possibly see your life WITHOUT (the above).
Slightest doubt = nope.
JMO. Good luck.
And wait at least two years after the initial wonderful feelings.
* You deal with at least one heartbreaking moment within your families. Together
* His dog craps on your new rug.
* Your cat pukes on his favorite shirt.
* You've met ALL of your respective immediate family members and you KNOW in your heart that at the very least, it will be manageable.
* Your money management habits are both good or at the very least, one of ya is working very hard to improve.
* You're both willing to disassociate with folks that are not a "friend of the marriage" first. Trust me, they're out there. And they need to be eliminated.
I'm 27 and I've been in serious relationships in the past but this is the first time I have lived with a boyfriend. Yes I have lots of friends, all my best friends are back in my home country, but I also have some good friends where I live now too.
I don't think I'm living in complete dreamland, we do argue occasionally and he is irritating at times (but hey, who isn't!) and we have different opinions about trivial stuff, but I wouldnt at all say that was a problem or detrimental to our relationship.
I came clean and told him I was having doubts and we both got really upset...I tried to explain as best I could, but it's not easy to describe when I have can't explian why im feeling like this. He was devostated and now I feel like a b**** but I know i couldnt have keep this to myself, it wouldnt be right. At least he knows where I am at and we can take it from there.
The more I think about it the more I dont want to imagine my life without him, but if this feeling persists I think I will have to call it off, I dont want to repress my emotions then end up regretting it further down the line when there are bigger things at stake like a mariage and children. I think i need to give it a bit of time to see what my gut tells me after some serious reflection
Its always best to be honest. It might not feel good right now, but you did the right thing. I don't think you're ready to marry this man. You need more time just to "be' in the relationship. Enjoy what you have, marriage needs to be on the back burner for now
A few months ago I got really upset and let it all burst out that I was worried and that I just had a feeling like its not right (which is the same feeling as now). He asked me to explain more but I just couldnt, beyond "it doesnt feel 100% right" Ihad nothing.... I do admit that I am less sttracted to him than before and have noticed a big drop in my sex drive over the last 6 months or so....(so now you have all the info).
OP, if this feeling were just a few days old I'd say hold on and make sure it's not just a mood. However, it's been months now and sex drive has dropped and that's significant. Something is wrong. He may be great--perfect on paper--but not perfect for you. Do both of you a favor and don't marry until you are more at peace with it. And you don't want to be one of those brides who walks out during the wedding do you?
a. get married
b. have a child
c. buy a house together
unless you are approximately 10,000% CERTAIN that you want WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND SOUL to do any of the above and that in no way, shape, form or alternate universe could you possibly see your life WITHOUT (the above).
Slightest doubt = nope.
JMO. Good luck.
I agree w/ JerZ & some others about following your instincts. No matter how, "perfect" things are on paper, if you're having persistent doubts even though you can't explain why, then that means something's off or not meant to be.
Just to clarify OP, when you said, "This is not the first time I’ve had this gut feeling that the relationship isn’t right, but each time I seem to talk myself back into it and listen to my head which tellsme that we would have a very happy life together" was this feeling w/ your CURRENT relationship or past one(s)? I assume they feelings are still w/ this current guy, yes? If so, HOW MANY times did you almost break up w/ him due to the same past doubts?
Do you have a habit of feeling doubtful when things get more serious w/ past relationships?
Did something in your life change how you view relationships? Like something w/ your parents' or grandparents', etc. relationship, etc.?
Do you have any idea at all why you're feeling this way about your BF? Did he ever give your eason to doubt his actions/intentions, etc. eaerlier into the relationship?
You should probably keep dating & not get engaged just yet, unless you don't think more time will change anything but in fact, make more doubt build up. If it's the latter, I guess the only thing to do is actually break up, but temporarily just to see how you feel, although there are no guarantees that things will be the same w/ your BF if you got back together.
Do you have a religious individual who you look up to, therapist/counselor, your parent(s), or someone else you REALLY trust who never steered you wrong in the past who you can talk to who can help give you clarity on this?
Last edited by Forever Blue; 01-29-2021 at 12:50 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
