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I'm 28, female, and I've never been in a "real" relationship. I'm not super attractive, am kind of shy, and can be socially awkward. On the other hand, I've always had plenty of (female) friends. I moved across the country to a new city a few years ago and have a pretty large circle of close girlfriends, so I figure my social skills can't be all that horrible! I grew up in an extremely religious family (expectation no sex before marriage) and was very religious myself in high school. There weren't many guys my age at my church, so it kind of makes sense that I didn't really date then. In college I got away from the religion, but had a hard time finding a happy medium between my upbringing and a total "hookup culture." I'm not a virgin, but I've only had a few sexual experiences and none of them were good, which obviously hasn't made me super gung-ho about going out and trying to date.
In all honesty, I haven't really even tried to date in the last several years. It seems that within my age group, the only way anyone dates is online dating. That's what all of my girl friends do. That scares me because it's so based on looks, and after that first impressions (which are hard for me due to the shy/socially awkward thing). I don't have unrealistic expectations when it comes to looks and really do just want the stereotypical "nice guy" but it seems like online dating culture has made everyone think they can date a model since you can just scroll through so many pictures and choose based on that. I've also gotten so used to being single that most of the time I'm perfectly content. I like being able to do my own thing and I like spending time by myself and being able to spend time with my friends whenever I want. In all honesty, literally the only time I ever think, "Oh I wish I had a boyfriend" is when I'm invited to something where everyone else will have a date and it's embarrassing to go alone, like a wedding. On the other hand, I don't want to be alone forever. Being single might be fun at 28, but I imagine it's not so fun when you're in you're upper 30's, 40's, etc. and everyone else is settled down, and it's only going to be harder to find a relationship as I get older and still really have no experience.
I've been telling myself that I will try online dating this summer, even though I'm not feeling really optimistic. Most of my friends who are really looking for a relationship (who are way more attractive than me) seem to only be finding guys that are interested in hook ups. Based on past experiences, I don't want to have sex again until I'm in a relationship, which I feel like is pretty much impossible within our current culture unless you're really religious, which I'm not anymore. I also don't really know what to do about my lack of experience. Should I be honest? I feel like that will send guys running for the hills immediately, but I don't feel like lying is a good way to start any relationship either. It's very hard to be in this awkward phase that everyone else goes through in their teens when I am 28! Any advice?
I would not mess with online dating, for the reasons you mentioned.
You seem pretty ambivalent about dating anyway, so I would just increase your involvement in activities where you will meet and interact with lots of other people. Volunteering, meet-up groups, etc. That way you will increase your chances of meeting someone interesting who can get to know you beyond "swiping based on your appearance."
Another option is to have some of your many female friends set you up. Your friends know your quirks etc. and may have good ideas for guys who will be compatible.
I would not mess with online dating, for the reasons you mentioned.
You seem pretty ambivalent about dating anyway, so I would just increase your involvement in activities where you will meet and interact with lots of other people. Volunteering, meet-up groups, etc. That way you will increase your chances of meeting someone interesting who can get to know you beyond "swiping based on your appearance."
Another option is to have some of your many female friends set you up. Your friends know your quirks etc. and may have good ideas for guys who will be compatible.
This is what I've been doing for the past several years, and obviously it hasn't worked. I actually met most of my girl friends through meetup. I've tried coed groups and volunteering and again have made friends, but no romantic connections. Since I still loosely identify with the religion I was raised in, I even tried going to church and joining a 20s/30s group there (also thinking I might meet more people with similar values to me, even if they're not based on religion), but I found I just wasn't "religious enough." I didn't even make friends in that group and quit going. Like you said, based on my personality and what I'm looking for, I felt like it would be easier to meet someone "naturally"- maybe something that started as a friendship, but it just hasn't worked out and I feel that at this age I need to work out "putting myself out there" more. For the past several years I've just thought, "Oh it will happen someday" but it hasn't and I'm not getting any younger. I feel like if I were still in my early 20's having no past relationships may not be a huge deal yet, but having no experience at this age is definitely into "weird" or "definitely something wrong with you" territory.
I'm not sure if this is just based on my city, or age group, or what, but I really do feel like the only way any meets anyone anymore is online dating. I can't tell you how many times I've had this conversation with a new friend or acquaintance: Me: I've never done online dating. Friend: What?! Then how do you date? Me: I don't... All of my friends that are married/and or in serious relationships met online. I'd be happy to be set up by a friend, but as far as I know my friends just don't know anyone that's available. We're a pretty tight knit group and like me, most of them pretty much only have female friends.
Be careful that you are not getting 'desperate' as that shows in your messages to anyone else of the opposite sex.
I would concentrate on knowing yourself and see what you find. It is a good distraction and would also provide another avenue to be 'religious' and give you a focus rather than concentrating on finding a date.
Knowing yourself better through meditation and self therapy will allow you to know what kind of life you want for yourself and so give out the right kind of messages which are clear and will attract the right kind of person to you.
I would not mess with online dating, for the reasons you mentioned.
You seem pretty ambivalent about dating anyway, so I would just increase your involvement in activities where you will meet and interact with lots of other people. Volunteering, meet-up groups, etc. That way you will increase your chances of meeting someone interesting who can get to know you beyond "swiping based on your appearance."
Another option is to have some of your many female friends set you up. Your friends know your quirks etc. and may have good ideas for guys who will be compatible.
i agree. the first thing you need to do is relax, and take life as it comes. i am not impressed with online dating myself, but you might give it a go and see what happens before you chuck it entirely.
other things you can do is go to singles events in your area, check the personal section of the newspapers in your area to find them. some are for "religious types" most are not though.
and dont be afraid to go up to a person of interest and ask them out, dont wait for them.
I would not mess with online dating, for the reasons you mentioned.
You seem pretty ambivalent about dating anyway, so I would just increase your involvement in activities where you will meet and interact with lots of other people. Volunteering, meet-up groups, etc. That way you will increase your chances of meeting someone interesting who can get to know you beyond "swiping based on your appearance."
Another option is to have some of your many female friends set you up. Your friends know your quirks etc. and may have good ideas for guys who will be compatible.
So in other words, never really had a boyfriend, never been officially exclusive with a guy before? I'm confused
OP youre not alone. You sound alot like me.
Its hard for women like us..this hook up culture is not for us. Im not super religious either but I still like to hold on to some values. I feel like people these days do whatever wwith whomever, where ever. Its to the point where I dont want to deal with any of it and like you have become content with being single.
I'm 28, female, and I've never been in a "real" relationship. I'm not super attractive, am kind of shy, and can be socially awkward. On the other hand, I've always had plenty of (female) friends. I moved across the country to a new city a few years ago and have a pretty large circle of close girlfriends, so I figure my social skills can't be all that horrible! I grew up in an extremely religious family (expectation no sex before marriage) and was very religious myself in high school. There weren't many guys my age at my church, so it kind of makes sense that I didn't really date then. In college I got away from the religion, but had a hard time finding a happy medium between my upbringing and a total "hookup culture." I'm not a virgin, but I've only had a few sexual experiences and none of them were good, which obviously hasn't made me super gung-ho about going out and trying to date.
In all honesty, I haven't really even tried to date in the last several years. It seems that within my age group, the only way anyone dates is online dating. That's what all of my girl friends do. That scares me because it's so based on looks, and after that first impressions (which are hard for me due to the shy/socially awkward thing). I don't have unrealistic expectations when it comes to looks and really do just want the stereotypical "nice guy" but it seems like online dating culture has made everyone think they can date a model since you can just scroll through so many pictures and choose based on that. I've also gotten so used to being single that most of the time I'm perfectly content. I like being able to do my own thing and I like spending time by myself and being able to spend time with my friends whenever I want. In all honesty, literally the only time I ever think, "Oh I wish I had a boyfriend" is when I'm invited to something where everyone else will have a date and it's embarrassing to go alone, like a wedding. On the other hand, I don't want to be alone forever. Being single might be fun at 28, but I imagine it's not so fun when you're in you're upper 30's, 40's, etc. and everyone else is settled down, and it's only going to be harder to find a relationship as I get older and still really have no experience.
I've been telling myself that I will try online dating this summer, even though I'm not feeling really optimistic. Most of my friends who are really looking for a relationship (who are way more attractive than me) seem to only be finding guys that are interested in hook ups. Based on past experiences, I don't want to have sex again until I'm in a relationship, which I feel like is pretty much impossible within our current culture unless you're really religious, which I'm not anymore. I also don't really know what to do about my lack of experience. Should I be honest? I feel like that will send guys running for the hills immediately, but I don't feel like lying is a good way to start any relationship either. It's very hard to be in this awkward phase that everyone else goes through in their teens when I am 28! Any advice?
Sadly what you put in the bold is preached among some women. You'd find a couple threads on this topic on this forum.
While that is what is being projected, I have over 50 messages sent out to women in my general area with OLD. There isn't one that has really even sparked a conversation. Only 1 true reply back total, and I am looking to meet someone for more than a hookup. The age range is 25 to 40 years.
I won't deny there are plenty of men on those sites that are screwing around, but they should be easy to filter out.
Whatever happens a recommendation is to present yourself in a way that invites men to want to talk to you. So many women come off as hostile, defensive with trust issues as they give their lists of "no not contact me if you____" posting pics of them looking angry let alone not smiling. So simply presenting yourself in a positive light should yield better results with online dating.
Simply putting yourself out there like going to a local gym could be a good idea as well. Just don't make it impossible for men to attempt to have a discussion with you (headphones in, reading book, etc.) if you'd want men to talk to you.
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