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It sounds like you still have a lot to fight for and work out. Everyone has problems. In my case I had no relationship with my husband. I was an object. Have you gone through marriage counseling? It helped me figure out it was over.
Its easier for divorced men? My brother lost his kids, the house and a lot of money. He ended up living in my mothers basement to get along. He had to almost completely start over, with new job training, buying a house and starting a new career all at the same time. His wife never bothered to even work before or after the marriage. Think of this, at any given time there are about 50,000 in jail for failure to pay child support, while there are few women. There are women's shelters in tons of cities all across the country, and almost none for men. Single mothers can get all kinds of govt. aid. Men get very little. Besides, men only get custody in about 10% of divorces. So men have it easier because I guess the OP thinks they have no feelings and are only good for earning money.
It sounds like you still have a lot to fight for and work out. Everyone has problems. In my case I had no relationship with my husband. I was an object. Have you gone through marriage counseling? It helped me figure out it was over.
I'm sorry that you didn't have a proper relationship with your husband. I've been sorta lucky in the women that have been on my life. Not trying to rub anything in your face. I guess it's just a gratitude thing. I've never really had a woman be bad to me. Again, I've been lucky. It could have just as easily gone the other way. I suppose on some level I can't relate to some of the stories I read here of people just being brutalized by the opposite sex, or same sex,for that matter.
got stuck with a role I am getting tired or playing. I don't want to be a house wife either. I want to just hang out and have fun and sadly it is really hard to do that with a family.
IMO- you're not ready to "throw in the towel". You just need a change. Sounds like early mid-life crisis or just plain boredom to me.
You still enjoy having sex with each other, he asks you to go grocery shopping with him? You make enough money to support yourself, but didn't leave yet, even during the rough times.
I haven't heard anything about physical or emotional abuse, harsh treatment of children, drug or alcohol addiction... any kind of betrayal.
I left when the person I married no longer was a good father or husband. His behavior was detrimental to my daughter and my emotional health and well being. It wasn't salvageable. He wouldn't go to counseling or admit to anyone he had developed a drug problem, so counseling wouldn't have helped without that admission first.
It was terrifying and very sad for a long time-- until I finally made the right choice. The sadness came not from ending it, but for the loss of the person I had married. The feeling of nothing to look forward to, the knowledge that we wouldn't actually be growing old together. Once I recognized where the sadness was actually coming from, it was a relief to move forward. The fear was not about how to support myself, or being alone, but for him-- that he wouldn't be able to keep it together enough to still be a father, or even function, he never went to the grocery store, didn't even know where our bank was.
My divorce was final on Valentines Day the year I turned 40, I was the only one who showed up. For once it wasn't that lonely to be alone on Valentine's Day, because this time it was by choice
Its easier for divorced men? My brother lost his kids, the house and a lot of money. He ended up living in my mothers basement to get along. He had to almost completely start over, with new job training, buying a house and starting a new career all at the same time. His wife never bothered to even work before or after the marriage. Think of this, at any given time there are about 50,000 in jail for failure to pay child support, while there are few women. There are women's shelters in tons of cities all across the country, and almost none for men. Single mothers can get all kinds of govt. aid. Men get very little. Besides, men only get custody in about 10% of divorces. So men have it easier because I guess the OP thinks they have no feelings and are only good for earning money.
Yeah, the ever-popular pissing contest of the sexes really isn't the point of this thread.
I'm sorry that you didn't have a proper relationship with your husband. I've been sorta lucky in the women that have been on my life. Not trying to rub anything in your face. I guess it's just a gratitude thing. I've never really had a woman be bad to me. Again, I've been lucky. It could have just as easily gone the other way. I suppose on some level I can't relate to some of the stories I read here of people just being brutalized by the opposite sex, or same sex,for that matter.
Thanks. It's nice to hear there are success stories out there too.
Yeah, I only ever really had one guy be awful to me, and it was really more to do with him and his damage than me. I kind of got caught in the crosshairs of his dissatisfaction with life and daddy issues and all manner of deep-seated dysfunction that way predated me.
I now know a bird and fish can fall in love and deeply love each other, but neither one is going to be able to fully embrace and explore who they are because if together they can only sit by the shores of the water together. I think we both know in many ways falling in love and getting married was a really bad idea. No one really stopped us, but many people advised against it. We love each other and are frozen in fear as to what to do about it. Neither person is getting 100% of what they want out of the relationship. I think the situation is an epic hot mess. I am too scared to do anything as I have such strong feelings about staying or going. I am actually not sure if staying or going would be worse. This is 100% not about anyone else. This was such a insane match and the only people to blame are ourselves. I would be furious at the idea of him marrying someone else and having a family with someone else. I also know if we divorced it would likely be REALLY bad ex WAR of ROSES bad. I see plates and furniture flying.
For the last year I has been actually staying to him we need to seriously talk about this and decide what we want to do. We argue and then make up. I has been pushing boundaries ... and he often surprizes me. When we first were married he was crazy controlling... but as I got older I push back harder and harder and in some ways he backed off, but in 75% of other ways he is a huge pain. I guess it is possible to love and hate someone at the same time .
You continue to muse publicly in these vague generalities that don't really tell us much. I am rather surprised to learn that you have a 10 year old? Why would anyone with a half grown child, and this means your husband as well, why would starting a new family be the priority for either of you if it came to pass that this present relationship had to end?
He is kind of opaque is he? Hmmm. Sounds like a normal average guy to me! It would be a mistake, I think, to leave him expecting to find a different guy who is more in touch with his feelings. You may find one. There are plenty of women who fall hard for these evolved men who are more in touch with their feelings and all that, only to find out that they are gay. Personally I'm thinking that your main problem is that you out earn him. Women simply are not socialized to earn more than their mates. The "change" in him you want to see is more ambition. Probably not going to happen. As much from external factors beyond his control, as from internal ones that are.
"The mass of (wo)men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them" -Thoreau. Sounds like you are ahead of the curve. That's a good thing. Don't expect things to improve if you bail. A good indication of what you might find out there can be determined quite easily without ever leaving home. You're smart I'm sure you know what I'm saying.
There are five widows for every widower.
Kevin, 37, is a computer programmer, making $80,000 a year, $48,000 after taxes. His wife, Lisa, stays home to take care of their two-year old. She is pregnant with another child, and eager for them to buy a home. Kevin doesn’t like being a programmer, but fears that a career change will mean a salary cut.
I asked Kevin, “Is owning a home important to you?”
(Mod cut: only use first few sentences from an article, not the whole thing Men As Beasts of Burden
Where did 40% of his income go? He needs a financial advisor.
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I was divorced at 29, so just a few years younger than you're talking about but the same general idea.
After I was over the grief of my marriage (I left, but didn't feel I had a choice) and healing, I actually had A LOT of fun during that time period. I dated quite a bit, but didn't feel like I "had to" be with anyone. Things were tough taking care of my son alone, but I had done that before and I definitely knew how.
I was able to cook when I wanted to, watch what I wanted on TV (except when I was wrestling the remote from my son), had full say in how my household was run, didn't have to pick up after any adult who should be picking up after himself, I could just...relax.
As for dating, like I said, I did date quite a bit. It was always an adventure. Some "holy carp" stories, some good stories.
I was remarried at age 35.
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