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I divorced at 32. It was the best thing that could have happened. I was miserable and bitter. I came out miles ahead. I was able to move to my hometown, get back to doing more things I loved doing, end up at a better job.
Divorce IS harder than it appears, and in surprising ways. I was first married at 27, divorced by 30. I went into the divorce knowing I wanted it, had zero second thoughts or hesitations, and the gravity of it didn't hit me until boxes of my belongings started arriving in the mail from my ex, and I had to carve out and establish a different life for myself, not certain where that would take me. Somehow I knew it was the right decision and I never regretted it, but that sense of loss and failure took me by surprise.
Fast forward to now. I married at 46 and now at 49, I am again struggling with wanting to divorce. This time it is different. I went into the marriage tentatively, after being independent and on my own for so long. I had second thoughts and I hesitated getting married when my husband asked, but I thought I was just too used to being on my own and that eventually I would "get over it." He is a very good and loving man. What could go wrong?
Fact of the matter is that we were very good friends and we should have remained that instead of getting married. I dread coming home, we have very little in common anymore, probably because we've drifted apart and become apathetic, and counseling wasn't fruitful. We are basically roommates who happen to be married. I can't live life like this for the next 30 years or so. I had no idea he was such a computer/indoors person, because when we dated he always went hiking and did all the ourdoors stuff I loved to do. And now, I wonder "Well, was that hesitant feeling really something I should have paid attention to? Something telling me 'no' instead of interpreting it as that I had been single and on my own way too long and had some sort of commitment issue?"
It's harder now because we have a house together (no kids, thankfully) and I feel obligated to this man, who has done nothing wrong, and I feel like a heel for even contemplating moving on. But then I think that this isn't fair to him. That he deserves to be free so that he can find someone who will love him as he needs and deserves to be loved, and that I need to free myself from a decision that just isn't right for me. So it's harder with age to plow ahead and make the break than it was when I was younger. I was only thinking of myself during my first marriage. Now I am thinking of both of us, knowing that divorce is probably the what needs to happen, but unsure of how to go about hurting someone I truly care about, but do not love as I should.
I believe deep inside that I am a happier person alone. I was much happier when we were dating and I was living in my own place and could come and go as I pleased. I have no intention of ever getting involved in another relationship. I really miss and value my me-time way too much and I think I am a rather selfish person at heart. Should I ever get involved with another man, I would not marry, nor would I share a residence.
It's never easy, at age 30 or 50. Hopefully we all come out someone better on the other end.
Thank you for sharing your story. Even before you wrote, I wondered whether a second or third or "other" marriage would ever turn out to be "better" than the first one, or is it usually a matter of illusion and deceit.
When I divorced I could swear I didn't love my husband and definitely didn't feel sexual attraction for him. Now, about nine months later, I go through periods when I miss him like crazy, and I miss the feeling of "home" that came with him. I am dating someone else, who has all the features I dreamt about in my ex husband, but I don't feel "home".
I am starting to think maybe we should accept the idea that marriages aren't and never will be perfect. That there will be times when you will want to F someone else, or even want to sleep in different beds, or even attend different social functions, and no, having periods like that doesn't mean your marriage or you are messed up. And this idea that divorce gives you and your partner a second chance to be loved and happy- i am starting to think it's all BS. So far, from my experience, divorce has given me a good chance to feel unrooted, lonely and pretty depressed.
A friend of mine is discussing with her husband the possibility of an sexually open marriage because her need for sex is significantly higher than his. Many roll their eyes at that, think their marriage is ruined. But I wonder if they are in fact the smart ones- accepting that huge issues can be a normal part of normal marriages, and the main goal should be common agreements. They may end up celebrating a 30th, or 40th or 50th anniversary, and it may be all due to at one point in life, allowing each other to F someone else. Who knows? I am just starting to realize that we, humans, lie to each other and on facebook about our "perfect" lives, and make each other doubt that we are normal, just because we encounter a problem here and there.
Thank you for sharing your story. Even before you wrote, I wondered whether a second or third or "other" marriage would ever turn out to be "better" than the first one, or is it usually a matter of illusion and deceit.
When I divorced I could swear I didn't love my husband and definitely didn't feel sexual attraction for him. Now, about nine months later, I go through periods when I miss him like crazy, and I miss the feeling of "home" that came with him. I am dating someone else, who has all the features I dreamt about in my ex husband, but I don't feel "home".
I am starting to think maybe we should accept the idea that marriages aren't and never will be perfect. That there will be times when you will want to F someone else, or even want to sleep in different beds, or even attend different social functions, and no, having periods like that doesn't mean your marriage or you are messed up. And this idea that divorce gives you and your partner a second chance to be loved and happy- i am starting to think it's all BS. So far, from my experience, divorce has given me a good chance to feel unrooted, lonely and pretty depressed.
A friend of mine is discussing with her husband the possibility of an sexually open marriage because her need for sex is significantly higher than his. Many roll their eyes at that, think their marriage is ruined. But I wonder if they are in fact the smart ones- accepting that huge issues can be a normal part of normal marriages, and the main goal should be common agreements. They may end up celebrating a 30th, or 40th or 50th anniversary, and it may be all due to at one point in life, allowing each other to F someone else. Who knows? I am just starting to realize that we, humans, lie to each other and on facebook about our "perfect" lives, and make each other doubt that we are normal, just because we encounter a problem here and there.
I think you may be on to something. .
It was actually our counselor who suggested that the typical "Disney" marriage isn't for everyone and that people need to set up situations that work for them. There are couples who live in separate places/spaces or who live even in separate towns and who have been happily married for years. This isn't something I'd considered before and I was surprised she mentioned it, but she sees it alot in her practice with much success.
Who knows? The idea of marriage hasn't changed much over time. Should it? Interesting things to ponder.
Easier for men than woman? was that on book Pinocchio?
Well I am divorced before 30 of course. It take some time to bounce back to your life after a divorce. you need some healing time. There is nothing you really can say easier or difficult. For every one it is different story. All the best!
So, maybe this is a bit off-topic, but after reading your comments in this thread and your other about taking solo trips, I have to wonder about a couple of things.
You are considering leaving this marriage, yet it really appears both of you may have already left, at least emotionally. I've read several posts from you where you describe how independent you are, how independent he is and how he can be physically abusive.
Are you abusive, too? Physically or mentally?
All I really see you walking away from is a roommate and a FB. It doesn't sound like you guys communicate much and you've admitted you've gone places without his knowledge to have some fun and let your hair down. I'm guessing while he's away for a couple of months, he is likely doing the same thing.
So, other than convenience, what are you really losing?
And then the next question is, did either of you ever invest in the relationship?
And finally, once you get divorced, considering the fact that you are highly independent, what lessons will you take from this relationship to make sure the next relationship is successful? Right now, you seem to be consumed with your needs, and reclaiming your youth, which is fine if you are not in a relationship. But do you see yourself reducing some of that independence if you do decide to get married again? How do you keep this from happening in future relationships?
Well...I will say this. I was contemplating a divorce just two months ago and so many things have changed since then. We were very unhappy, things were falling apart, tension in the house etc. I started going to counseling for a month before he finally joined in.
My husband's recently divorced brother convinced him to do whatever he needed to do to get our marriage back on track. My husband brought home flowers, took me to dinner, arranged for a sitter, and was ready to do some work. Since we have been going to counseling and making some positive changes, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel like I had to fix it.
Things can get better, if you both are willing to do the work. Good luck!
Oh...and...make sure you have a fat wad of cash saved up just in case!
Well...I will say this. I was contemplating a divorce just two months ago and so many things have changed since then. We were very unhappy, things were falling apart, tension in the house etc. I started going to counseling for a month before he finally joined in.
My husband's recently divorced brother convinced him to do whatever he needed to do to get our marriage back on track. My husband brought home flowers, took me to dinner, arranged for a sitter, and was ready to do some work. Since we have been going to counseling and making some positive changes, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel like I had to fix it.
Things can get better, if you both are willing to do the work. Good luck!
Oh...and...make sure you have a fat wad of cash saved up just in case!
This is great for you, and I'm happy things have improved. But this is a pattern for many marriages when couples first talk and start going to counseling; the true test comes many months or 1-2 years later, when many people slip back into their old (read: true) feelings and habits.
This is great for you, and I'm happy things have improved. But this is a pattern for many marriages when couples first talk and start going to counseling; the true test comes many months or 1-2 years later, when many people slip back into their old (read: true) feelings and habits.
Ebb and Flow. Everything falls apart for a time and comes together for a time. I think thats normal. We will continue to do the work
men pay the way for women,that's what gets them over.
also,when you are 30,all of you need to expect that your pickings are slim if you are looking for someone single with no children your age.there is usually something off about a 30+ person who was never married-divorced,engaged and or have kids.
Yes there is definately something off about me Im not surprised I'm not married,I don't disagree,I sometimes feel like I just got here from the 19th century or something.hehehe.
I am very dubious of unmarried men my age or in their mid 40s too.
Op I do think divorced men have it easier,they don't have custody of the kids often,they are established at that age which women really value,they can date quite easily but many women remarry and have blissful lives.
11 years is a long time to be distressed about this,but as you said you don't like failure so it's not surprising you've hung on.
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Easier for men than woman? was that on book Pinocchio? 
