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Dis, as much as you are determined to never be a father, I expect that you would, at some point, develop at least a "mentoring" relationship with the child. Honestly it just comes with the territory, when there are children involved. Frankly, I think you would handle that quite admirably, as much as you like to doubt your abilities in that department. Also, if the woman wants more kids, well, that's probably something you need to know before you make any plans to "pursue".
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom
Here here. Yup, we do!
Dis, as much as you are determined to never be a father, I expect that you would, at some point, develop at least a "mentoring" relationship with the child. Honestly it just comes with the territory, when there are children involved. Frankly, I think you would handle that quite admirably, as much as you like to doubt your abilities in that department. Also, if the woman wants more kids, well, that's probably something you need to know before you make any plans to "pursue".
I don't think it neccesarily comes with the territory. I'll date single mothers, no problem, but honestly its only come up a couple of times in all my years of dating. I meet 30s and 40s professional, highly educated women every week without kids and who don't want kids. When I was looking for someone to have a family with in my 30s the women I met then had no desire to have children. It really isn't that uncommon, in the right area.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,742,544 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom
Here here. Yup, we do!
Dis, as much as you are determined to never be a father, I expect that you would, at some point, develop at least a "mentoring" relationship with the child. Honestly it just comes with the territory, when there are children involved. Frankly, I think you would handle that quite admirably, as much as you like to doubt your abilities in that department. Also, if the woman wants more kids, well, that's probably something you need to know before you make any plans to "pursue".
I have always kind of had a mentor complex in me. I used to mentor for HS boys when I was in the church. I figure if I can keep others from making the same mistakes I did, I in a way make up for my actions as a kid. I would be fine with developing a "uncle" relationship with her child, and I'd be very sensitive against getting in his father's way in their relationship. One thing I'm not gonna do is get in the way of a father who wants to be in his child's life.
I've dated a few single mothers. Some reflection on those relationships
* In my case, the childrens' fathers was non-existent. a$$hats abandoned them. The children (depending on age) will either wholly accept you as their potential father or not. If they don't, it can be quite a bit of effort to win over their acceptance. These are children that grew up in a tough situation and have been groomed to be highly protective and suspecting of men that enter their mother's lives. Early on, my previous GF's 6ft+ 200lbs+ athletic son sporting a 6 pack came at me with a baseball bat when he decided I was a threat to his mother. I eventually "earned" his respect.... (good thing... lol)
* You are correct about these women being strong and independent. If they weren't strong and independent before, they are surely now considering they survived. Till this day, I don't know anyone stronger and more independent than my previous GF (single mother w/ 2 teens). In a way, it was part of the reason why our relationship ended but also why I was attracted to her in the first place. However, it is hard to have a relationship that doesn't let her guard down for even you.
* None of them "really" wanted more children. One was "open" to the idea if it meant making their new husband happy.
* Many believed finding a suitable husband was their way to ease the burden of life. At least in my eyes, their expectations for a suitable husband is probably a bit lower than the typical single woman of younger age. Nothing wrong with that.. or nothing bad implied, but they are being realistic.
* The ones I've dated seem to always find a way to "create happiness". They are a lot of fun to be with. Lots of great times (memories)... work hard, play hard mentality.
* I would say you are delusional if you think you can get into a relationship with any single-mother and avoid becoming the "adult", "mentor", "father figure", of sorts for her children. It doesn't matter if their biological father is in the picture or not. Recall the first point about getting the children to accept you. Well part of that acceptance is building a relationship with them. You are in a relationship with the family not just the mother. It may be different if the children are older and left home but I wouldn't bet on it.
* Oh yes... forgot to add the last one. You will NOT be the center of her universe... so to speak. That role is already reserved for her children. Not necessarily a bad thing... it is who she is... a single mother.
If I were ever in that situation again, I wouldn't red flag a single-mother. Each case is individual.. they can be opportunities for a great relationship or a recipe for a disaster. You just have to know what you are getting into. So no... I don't think anyone is crazy to consider dating a single mother even after swearing they wouldn't. You simply don't know until you give it a chance.
I had a lunch date with a single mother months ago to see if I could get over my deal breaker of single moms. Turns out I couldn't because all she talked about was her son and I cut the date short after 20 minutes, wished her well, and won't ever try to date a mother again. It's not for me.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 49ersfan27
I had a lunch date with a single mother months ago to see if I could get over my deal breaker of single moms. Turns out I couldn't because all she talked about was her son and I cut the date short after 20 minutes, wished her well, and won't ever try to date a mother again. It's not for me.
Silly man. You obviously are taken with this woman. Pursue it and see where it leads.
Eliminating someone from your possibles because they are a mother & perhaps a darn good one seems short-sighted. One size fits all rules could keep you from enjoying what your heart seeks. Good luck.
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Also, if the woman wants more kids, well, that's probably something you need to know before you make any plans to "pursue".
