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Hello,
I have posted a few times here about my relationship, this will be my final post on the subject. We have been together for 9 months, he is 24 and I am 22. The majority of our relationship has been long distance, him going to school 2.5 hours way from my city. We recently had a week breakup a month ago and decided to give out relationship another shot.
I will summarize in point form the situation.
First 1-3 months October to December ( Long Distance )
- He would text every 2-3 days
- We would have a Skype conversation once a week
- He seemed like he was ready for a committed relationship
- He would be sweet and say little things like "my love" or "sweetheart"
4-7 months January to May ( Internship in my city/ no long distance )
- Initially, I made a plan to go over 3 times a week
- Every time I went over we always sat in his room and watched Netflix
- Never wanted to go out, meet my friends, do activities
- It felt as though whether I was there or not, he would be doing the same thing.
- Text mostly stopped, sometimes, I would not hear from him for 5-8 days in a row.
- Did not seem to have much desire to see me at all.
- He never asked me how I was doing, how things were going in my life ect.
- I had a few outburst and confronted him about it and he told that he finds it normal that we communicate less because our relationship has progressed ect.
- He told me on multiple occasions that he does not need to be close to anyone, that he rarely has any feelings ect.
- He always said he would make efforts to talk to me more, and go out but they never lasted.
Month 8-9 May to June
** I broke up with him for a week, told him he was the coldest person I have ever met ect" ** After that I basically went back and asked him if he was willing to give it another shot and work things out and he agreed ***
- He makes an effort to text me every 2-4 days.
- Always very short messages like " Hi, how are you ?"
- Always replies to my messages 4-12 hours later & sometimes not at all.
- We talk on the phone maybe once every 2 weeks, no more Skype calls or videos
- He never says sentimental things or loving words
- When I visit, he mostly does his homework and spends a little time with me, no talking, mostly watching Netflix
Sex/ Intimacy:
He seems to not care about it at all.
It had been 7 weeks and he has not asked me about it once
It is very bland and unemotional, no words, no cuddling afterwards.
No passion, no intensity, no warmth.
Never opens up about how he feels about me , ever.
My thoughts/ Issues:
Our relationship does not seem like a priority to him at all. It is almost as though he is in a relationship with his career and I am just a side chick. He never ever talks about our relationship in terms of "us", never speaks about " our" future or anything. There is him and then there is me, no us involved at all. I have no idea where we are headed. Everytime we bond a little or there is a bit of intimacy, he pulls away. It is like he makes it his intent to keep this distance between us at all times, to not get attached to me at all. He does not make me feel like he needs me. I could be gone and I feel like it would make no real difference at all. We are long distance, and I feel like I have no relationship, just a fictional one in my mind, but nothing real or concrete..
I read an article and this describes him perfectly:
has lots of walls. The walls may be ones of anger, silence, superficial pleasantness or seductiveness. They are all impenetrable and part of an attempt to avoid being smothered or truly known.
• will do anything to avoid being controlled; he answers to no one.
• gets his intensity outside of the relationship, instead of from the relationship.
• spends lots of time away from you or is distracted when around you, leaving no space for intimacy.
• will not invite vulnerability by appearing to want or need anything from you.
• may begin the relationship as a caretaker, just as he played the rescuer in childhood.
• often gravitates to love addicts who are needy and suffocating, reinforcing his childhood message. Watch [link removed[/url] for an upcoming article on love addiction.
• will likely have difficulty giving and receiving this holiday season. He may withdraw or find reasons to avoid the intimate contact of family gatherings.
I would love to be close to him and have a real relationship, but he keeps it at a certain level and does not want to progress.. I hurts because I like him a lot, I am attach to him, I feel as though we have things in common and good chemistry, but it is going nowhere because he is stopping it from becoming serious.
Future events:
He has got an interview with a company that would send him very far away from where he is now, in another country. I really worry that if something does not change out relationship will end or fail. I am worried that he will go there and forget about me and meet other women who are in his field in which he shares common interest with and just move on. I am at a point where I no longer know what to do.. Had anyone ever experience anything like this ?
Any final thoughts, advice ?
** I am not saying he is to blame, there is 2 people in a relationship, I just do not know if it is worth fighting for anymore **
I think you kind of force the relationship. He sounds like he goes along with it. I am not so quick to put the blame on him because you play part of this saga by forcing everything. Maybe he likes you enough to put up with it.
Moral of the story- just because you want someone bad enough doesn't mean they will return the affection. He's just not into you. Move on. He sounds like he is making plans without you anyway.
Your boyfriend is not afraid of intimacy. He just has no interest in you. Its obvious. You break up with him and then go crawling back? Really?
Right! It's like she says, "This is what I want from you. If you don't straighten up I'm leaving. I'll be back of course. This is just a scare tactic of mine and it's to get you to do what I want."
Accept that you two are not a match and move on. No amount of putting him under the mircoscope will help. He is not a project.
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