Whites lies to increase ones image - How do you all handle ? (2014)
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In my not so vast dating life, I have noticed that some people tell white lies to present themselves in a different light than their pas actions may reflect.
For example, perhaps at one point in ones life quite a many years ago, someone smoked recreational drugs daily all day for about 2 years. But, through life changes and lifestyle changes that person eventually stopped smoking. Fast forward years later, said person is extremely judgemental about behaviors that other people partake in, even though the behavior doesnt really affect present time or anything.
Or, what about the person that portrays an image of themself that is a mesrepresentation of who they are or especially who they were in the past. How do you all handle the contradictions that arise over time with a s/o ?
I know that people can change over time, but how do you handle it when someone is covering up past behavior that is extremely questionable especially to potentially judgemental people, all the while being extremely judgmental themselves ?
The older I get, the more I am finding people portray themself to be an image that isnt who they really are, or who they were. they also do not associate themself as someone who say had a drug problem, or someone who lies, cause in their eyes they were justified in doing drugs or lieing or whatever.
Do you all when dating consider such past life expereinces or white lies as major relationship flaws? Or do you write it off as someone who perhaps changed over time and feel they need to downplay the extremeness or their previous actions ?
For me, I find ones past behavior is an extreme indicator of morals and lifestyle. I also find that people who are covering up their past to appear better are harder to trust. I wonder if I need to let go of some of those dare I say the phrase "my judgements". But, part of my problem is that I don't really judge past behaviors, what I judge is how someone presents themself and how real they are to me. And I find people pretend to be dishonest with me and it creates a rift in my trust of them.
Any thoughts?
Well...
Who they are as a person today is all they can have control over. They can't really do much about their past. My problem would be with their judgmental attitude. I wouldn't put up with someone who is so judgmental. The lying on top would just make it worse. But everyone lies, unfortunately.
I try not to judge.
What I care about is consistant behavior and communication now.
I find this is more difficult with poeple who are always hiding things about their past.
If someone is honest with me, and not hypocritical, i dont care what their pas was as long as now they trea me well.
But when someone is hypocritical, i find it difficult. Its like saying "i can do what ever I want, and tell you whatever I want, but you, You MUST walk the line." And I have seen this with a couple people i tried to have relationships with inthe past. I just want to try to figure out how to better deal with it, as it seems this mentality for me is common in people I date.
We do all have skeletons, i get it.
So your point is more along the lines of:
Someone with a bush in his eye pointing at a mere speck in your eye?
It is not that the person has had a past of questionable actions (who hasn't?). It is that he is being judgmental towards you.
Yea, but i dont care if i am lied to if Im not datin them.
And I don't seem to be able to attract willing people to date me that aren't misrepresenting themself. Since this is what I have to deal with, I need to figure out how to deal with this behavior. Perhaps I am being too honest about who I am with women. Perhaps I should BS more and fake it to blow up my image. By the time they figure it out, they can either deal with it, or move on. Perhaps I should let them make that decision.
If you find yourself having to lie about whom you are, then you're probably not compatible with the person you're lying to. You would just be delaying the inevitable by lying.
Perhaps look into why you keep attracting a certain type?
For example, discussing drugs, someone admits to having tried drugs, before, and left it at that. After multiple conversations and discussin drugs, they say, "Well, i dont think i want to tell you this, but i had a time in my life where I was high for about 2 years."
So up till that point, they "tired" drugs, but then finally drop the bomb of bein high for 2 years.
You can really apply this to anything, not just drugs.
Like someone who says they had a little credit card debt, only to find that multiple times in their life they had in excess of $10,000 to pay for vacations out of the country and autobiles out of their budget, or cosmetic surgery that is strictly non-health related.
These are all topics that come up that people white lie about.
Yea, I have tried drugs.
Yea, i have had a little debt.
When really, they are using these white lies to cover up the fact that they did things they arent proud of, and expect you to accept, all the while judgin you to a level way above and beyond their past or current behavior.
Who gives a crap about stuff like this? I don't see the issue, frankly.
I guess I have different take on the past than some do. It is relevant to who you are today. You can't just dismiss someone's past as inconsequential, it's kind of like the building block of who they are today. That's not to say people don't change, they do. Some things are easier to overlook than others and it's easy to see why people would try to hide them or play them down. Still, being truthful about your past is always preferable to piling lie upon lie. Sooner or later it'll catch up to you.
Your past shapes who you are today but there is no reason to live in the past.
We have all done things in our past that may be bad or just may not be accepted by society's terms. Heck I live in the Bible Belt and I certainly don't go around telling everyone here all the wild things I've done. I am not embarrassed of my past and I have had some great times but others may not agree. I don't feel the need to tell all.
I am a stickler for honesty but that doesn't mean I need to know everything about a person's past. What and who you are today is how I base my opinions. As a relationship progresses then yes I would want to know if you have any lingering problems that will affect our future.
If you find yourself having to lie about whom you are, then you're probably not compatible with the person you're lying to. You would just be delaying the inevitable by lying.
Perhaps look into why you keep attracting a certain type?
I agree with your thought process.
Why do I keep atrracting these types? No idea. I tried to create a life for myself that allows me to be successful and happy.
I think for me I am either really bad at communicating/selling myelf to dating opportunities, or I am flat out boring or unattractive.
Also, the competition ( other guys) just may flat out have more to offer than I do. Who knows, but most women take a long time to develop an interest in me, which in dating means they probably get bored and move on before they think I am someone worth dating.
Give me an opportunity to get to know a woman over a long period of time, and they usually at some point really start to like me and would date me.
But in the meet market world of dating and bar scene and all that, women don't take enough time to get to know me enough to develop feelings for me.
I thought the last person I dated was into me. Turns out not only did she have serious baggage, but she admitted way later that by date 2-3 she wasnt even sure if she even wanted to date me, and really only slept with me cause she had a bit to drink that night and got horny.
I took all that from her as meaning she is used to dating guys she is much more attracted to.
I donno, but based on all this and how much I struggle dating, i figure i'm probably not the best looking guy.
I stopped pursuing women based on looks a long time ago, and that adjustment has not increased my dating pool at all.
OK..I'll subject myself to whatever you want to throw out.
One online site restricts contacts(or so I was told) to a certain age difference. Since I like younger men, I "fudged" within what I figured was a passable amount BUT immediately said in the profile that the age was wrong and if it mattered to just ask.
After a short time, you are no longer able to correct the age.
Keep in mind, being new, I also got suckered into paying for this site to NOT return all the possibilities .
A recent 'date' knew it ahead of time but later, in further conversation took the stand that I could no longer be trusted as an honest person since I had done this purposely to circumvent the 'rules' of the site.
What with the fact that it was admitted in the text...............how do you see it?
Little white lies or embellishments I'm not going to fuss over, full blown lies maybe. Like saying she doesn't have a lot of debt and you find out she does, finding out that she smokes when she says she doesn't.
Perspective and what is important. If someone constantly white lies about everything, naw, that's a deal breaker. I've known people over the years that couldn't tell a straight story if it were life and death.
OK..I'll subject myself to whatever you want to throw out.
One online site restricts contacts(or so I was told) to a certain age difference. Since I like younger men, I "fudged" within what I figured was a passable amount BUT immediately said in the profile that the age was wrong and if it mattered to just ask.
After a short time, you are no longer able to correct the age.
Keep in mind, being new, I also got suckered into paying for this site to NOT return all the possibilities .
A recent 'date' knew it ahead of time but later, in further conversation took the stand that I could no longer be trusted as an honest person since I had done this purposely to circumvent the 'rules' of the site.
What with the fact that it was admitted in the text...............how do you see it?
This is where I am having to start to change my thought process.
If I wandered upon your profile, and read you fudged your age, I would consider this a grey area.
On one hand, you misrepresented yourself.
On the other hand you pretty much immediately clarified the situation.
What annoys me about you is the fact you feel it is acceptable to bend the rules to fit into a criteria or position in which you wouldnt normally fit into if you were being honest. Since you arent obtaining the results you think you deserve, you modify your profile and lie about your age to fit a certain demographic.
I ask you... What makes you think you deserve the ability to deceive others to reach your goals ?
Also, when someone deceives you, do you let it slide? Or if a man lies to you and you catch him on it, do you let it slide ? I am guessing you don't. No one accepts bein lied to. Not everyone lies, but no one accepts being lied to. Regardless of their behavior.
For me, I am leaning towards taking pretty much anyone I date as not-seriously. I will take everything they say with a grain of salt, cause it seems this entitled attitude is so consistant that many people lie about who and what they are in order to obtain whateever goal they are reaching for. With my new attitude, when relaionships fail, which they will most 100% certainly cause they are based on lies, I will be able to move on easier and just not care enough to get attched to anyone.
With the knowlegde that most people lie, I can rationalize to myself that if other people can rationalize to themself that lieing is acceptable behavior, then I will not care enough to worry about it. I won't take people seriously, and especially the profiles of people I date that think they can change their demographic to obtain what they think they want.
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