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In my not so vast dating life, I have noticed that some people tell white lies to present themselves in a different light than their pas actions may reflect.
For example, perhaps at one point in ones life quite a many years ago, someone smoked recreational drugs daily all day for about 2 years. But, through life changes and lifestyle changes that person eventually stopped smoking. Fast forward years later, said person is extremely judgemental about behaviors that other people partake in, even though the behavior doesnt really affect present time or anything.
Or, what about the person that portrays an image of themself that is a mesrepresentation of who they are or especially who they were in the past. How do you all handle the contradictions that arise over time with a s/o ?
I know that people can change over time, but how do you handle it when someone is covering up past behavior that is extremely questionable especially to potentially judgemental people, all the while being extremely judgmental themselves ?
The older I get, the more I am finding people portray themself to be an image that isnt who they really are, or who they were. they also do not associate themself as someone who say had a drug problem, or someone who lies, cause in their eyes they were justified in doing drugs or lieing or whatever.
Do you all when dating consider such past life expereinces or white lies as major relationship flaws? Or do you write it off as someone who perhaps changed over time and feel they need to downplay the extremeness or their previous actions ?
For me, I find ones past behavior is an extreme indicator of morals and lifestyle. I also find that people who are covering up their past to appear better are harder to trust. I wonder if I need to let go of some of those dare I say the phrase "my judgements". But, part of my problem is that I don't really judge past behaviors, what I judge is how someone presents themself and how real they are to me. And I find people pretend to be dishonest with me and it creates a rift in my trust of them.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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I care about who they are today. I don't like judgmental people at all, so would avoid them, not matter what their past experiences were. That's rather irrelevant, who they are in the here and now matters, and if they are a crappy person in the here and now, they are a crappy person.
When a person's dating profile shows a picture of someone in their 30's, but when that person shows up, looks in their 50's, yeah, for sure that is a big negative. Also along those lines, people who fudge their ages, weight, things like that.
Little things like that are a big indicator that important things like integrity and honor are probably missing from their DNA.
In my not so vast dating life, I have noticed that some people tell white lies to present themselves in a different light than their pas actions may reflect.
For example, perhaps at one point in ones life quite a many years ago, someone smoked recreational drugs daily all day for about 2 years. But, through life changes and lifestyle changes that person eventually stopped smoking. Fast forward years later, said person is extremely judgemental about behaviors that other people partake in, even though the behavior doesnt really affect present time or anything.
Or, what about the person that portrays an image of themself that is a mesrepresentation of who they are or especially who they were in the past. How do you all handle the contradictions that arise over time with a s/o ?
I know that people can change over time, but how do you handle it when someone is covering up past behavior that is extremely questionable especially to potentially judgemental people, all the while being extremely judgmental themselves ?
The older I get, the more I am finding people portray themself to be an image that isnt who they really are, or who they were. they also do not associate themself as someone who say had a drug problem, or someone who lies, cause in their eyes they were justified in doing drugs or lieing or whatever.
Do you all when dating consider such past life expereinces or white lies as major relationship flaws? Or do you write it off as someone who perhaps changed over time and feel they need to downplay the extremeness or their previous actions ?
For me, I find ones past behavior is an extreme indicator of morals and lifestyle. I also find that people who are covering up their past to appear better are harder to trust. I wonder if I need to let go of some of those dare I say the phrase "my judgements". But, part of my problem is that I don't really judge past behaviors, what I judge is how someone presents themself and how real they are to me. And I find people pretend to be dishonest with me and it creates a rift in my trust of them.
Any thoughts?
Unfortunately I think people feel the need to lie and enforce a saint like image to prevent people from judging them...... Which is ironic because them thinking that people will automatically judge them is in fact being judgemental LOL.
As far as dating goes....... I genuinely DO take people from face value and only take note of their attitude/behaviour towards me and not dwell on their past. If they told me something about themselves that seemed far fetched and not true to form I'd just laugh it of and not hold it against them.
The only thing that I would judge and change my opinion of them was something extreme.
I LOVE white lies myself and use them often but only for humour reasons and to bring a laugh or two, I won't for one second build up a picture of someone I'm not even if I could get away with it.... It's not fear of being judged it's more fear of causing unnecessary tension or bad feeling in the future.
In short we ALL have skeletons in our closet so if someone is good to you...why worry?
I don't really give a hoot-in-hades what you were 20 - 30 years ago.
There was a previous post about dating someone who had been in jail. If you were locked up for, say, unpaid parking tickets, that's a far, far cry from armed robbery, etc.
And I don't want to see a 10 - 20-year old pic. Without doubt that person is older and heavier now. Don't try to relive your 20s!
Unfortunately I think people feel the need to lie and enforce a saint like image to prevent people from judging them...... Which is ironic because them thinking that people will automatically judge them is in fact being judgemental LOL.
As far as dating goes....... I genuinely DO take people from face value and only take note of their attitude/behaviour towards me and not dwell on their past. If they told me something about themselves that seemed far fetched and not true to form I'd just laugh it of and not hold it against them.
The only thing that I would judge and change my opinion of them was something extreme.
I LOVE white lies myself and use them often but only for humour reasons and to bring a laugh or two, I won't for one second build up a picture of someone I'm not even if I could get away with it.... It's not fear of being judged it's more fear of causing unnecessary tension or bad feeling in the future.
In short we ALL have skeletons in our closet so if someone is good to you...why worry?
interesting, thanks for your response. So if someone was a drug addict (using that term loosely perhaps pothead is better) , but lied for a while about havin expereince/ knowlegde with drugs wouldnt concern you due to the white lie ?
Also, if siad person has a past that many prople couse easily judge, but they themselves judge you and expect you to be amazing, how do you mentally approach this?
What if their behavior/attitude is creating a false image of who they are, and denying things they have done in the past ? How do you differentiate someones white lies about their past from them having the capability to cover up the actions of the PRESENT or now ?
It makes me uneasy because if someone is capable of covering up the past, all the while judging me, how do i know they aren covering up their actions now ?
I suppose trust comes into play here, but i have a hard time trustin someone that i know has conflicting/inconsistant stories and what not. Am I being to harsh? Or am I being cognizant of people who use white lies ?
When a person's dating profile shows a picture of someone in their 30's, but when that person shows up, looks in their 50's, yeah, for sure that is a big negative. Also along those lines, people who fudge their ages, weight, things like that.
Little things like that are a big indicator that important things like integrity and honor are probably missing from their DNA.
Avoid like the plague.
totally agree. dealing with this sort of behavior is startin a relationship based entirely of lies.
I care about who they are today. I don't like judgmental people at all, so would avoid them, not matter what their past experiences were. That's rather irrelevant, who they are in the here and now matters, and if they are a crappy person in the here and now, they are a crappy person.
I agree with this logic. But what if the person who did things 20-30 years ago stopped, say being a pothead, but still maintained the CYA, somewhat dishonest, or should I more accurately say, not truly truthful communication style ?
The kind of person that judges you to the T, but then says, "I dont know if I want to tell you this" when refering to their past behvior ?
I think this can be fairly common. Every smoker can relate to the statement that "A reformed smoker is worse than a
never-has smoker".
As a person with a VERY "checkered past" I can appreciate someone who has made it through to the other side
& I don't feel as though I am more judgemental at all.
I find the less time someone actually did "wrestle with demons" the MORE judgemental they are.
Beginners mistake? Possibly.
Addiction changes people ; an active addict is not themselves. Someone who binged for a year, lost everything & then
made a comeback only to put on the "holier than thou" act is not impressive to me.
Someone that hit rock bottom 20 years ago & lived to tell about it, pulled themselves out of hell all by themselves &
can still see the good in people & the world with a heart that can still love? NOW were talking!
Everlast said it best in the song; What It's Like:
"God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose
Then you really might know what it's like [4x]
I've seen a rich man beg
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie
I've seen the good side of bad
And the down side of up
And everything between
I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
Smoked the finest green
I stroked the baddest dimes
At least a couple of times
Before I broke their heart
You know where it ends
Yo, it usually depends
On where you start..."
-Everlast (Whitey Ford Sings the Blues)
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