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have a lot of info, I've gone elsewhere for help, but wanted to see what folks here had to say. I felt like I lost someone special. sorry about the length, but I think most of this is important. I keeping running this stuff through my head over and over... any input is greatly appreciated.
I was her 4th long term bf. her first bf was in early HS, she had to be homeschooled for a year after the break up, she developed an eating disorder around this time. I don't know much about the details on why they broke up.
her second bf she met late in HS after she returned, the relationship lasted into her early twenties about 5 years. this guy i think is the template for all her future mates. really extroverted aggressive dude. I sort of felt like she was pushing me to being more like him, though i never really asked and kinda stopped caring about him specifically. he left her for another girl i think out of resentment, he's still with the new girl, but the new relationship seems tumultuous as ever. my now ex was hurt bad by his leaving, relapsed into her eating disorder. he came back to my now ex saying he "would take her back if things don't work out with me and my new gf" my now ex told him she wouldn't take him back. they sort of keep in contact really lightly despite everything. it bothers me a little...
Her ex #3 has a meth addiction. my now ex said she didn't know of it until about a year into their 3 year relationship. he was emotionally abusive and she think he cheated on her. she gave him the choice: her or the meth. he tried to give up meth, but she found out he was still using and left.
there was me a year after she left ex #3. early on i felt like I could make her happy by being more like what she wants in a man. I'm so introverted but her ideal mate isn't . I stepped out of my comfort zone so much to make her happy. I drove her everywhere, bought her everything, took her out to things I'd never go to, picked up some of her hobbies and interests. I didn't mind any of it, i was in love. still there was this feeling like she didn't really like me for me. i was in the shadow of one of her previous lovers. I sort of addressed it in month 3 of our relationship. told her it "feels like you want me to be someone else." she responded with "I know what I want and I thought you could give me that." I reassured her that I can because I wanted to be with her.
I continued trying my best, but she seemed so sentimental, like she wasn't completely over her previous relationships, like she was still hurting.
6 months in the relationship she came forward about something that happened between her and her ex #3 while we were dating. she was visiting him to see how he was doing( I didn’t know about any of this), said her ex looked worse than ever, still using meth and in an emotional state stuff ended up happening between the two of them. she told me a couple days after it happened; apologized, said she felt terrible, wanted us to grow together, there’s no one she loves more than me. etc.. but she also insisted that if I couldn’t truly forgive her than I shouldn’t be with her. I was upset but i forgave her because at that time I wanted nothing more than to be with her. I never brought it up ever after that. In my head however the event reinforced this idea that I’m not ideal for her.
she wrecked her car in month 7, so I became her main mode of transportation, to work, when we went out, when she had errands. I started to get frustrated around this point. I hated driving to work and all this extra stuff was not helping. I started to become more resentful too, I withdrew, spent less freee time with her, and was generally less patient. whenever we fought about stuff related to this it seemed like she would just dominate, i didn't feel like I could reason with her, so i never really addressed what's really bothering me...I would do anything and everything for her if the assurance that she loved me was there. she said she loved me, but didn't do much to show it. She has a narrow minded view of how I should act(not like myself, like someone else) and if I deviated she would really berate me. She claims to love me, but I wasn't getting much empathy, compassion, understanding, consideration.
the resentment grew so i saw my therapist. he said I'm making all the accommodations and she's not making any. I can continue this but for the relationship to last 1. it's gonna be more work for me (as exhausted as I already was) 2. she gotta be putting the work in too either of these conditions aren't being met, then it's pointless.
I was thinking about this a lot in our last months together. I got so depressed, didn't know what to do. I wish I had talked to her about it. eventually it ended in month 12
we broke up when i went alone to visit my mom to sort out some tax stuff, my gf tried contacting me, she knew where I was and what I was doing. I missed her call because my old ass phone sometimes forwards calls to voicemail automatically with no notification. when I got into contact with her the next day she kept accusing me of forwarding her calls on purpose, and She wanted to know what was wrong. I told her, I didn’t forward those calls and the reason I’ve been so distant is because “I feel like I’m carrying all the weight in the relationship, I’ve rearranged my life around you, but you haven’t done the same.” I asked her if that made sense, she said “it sounds like you don’t want a relationship.” and then I said “you’re right” out of frustration. I apologized for not being more clear about all my feelings, she then proceeded to call me judgmental and continued to accuse me of forwarding her calls, it hurt. I got so mad. I ended it there. Her response was "you know you're never going to see me again right?."
the next day she texted me apologetic, saying she cares too much about me to push me aside, she understands how I feel, she said she hopes I find happiness in life and that the year we spent together was amazing in her opinion. I responded with “I’m sorry, you’re wonderful, beautiful and I wish you the very best, goodbye” and her response to that was “you really were the man of my dreams”
I moved out of the area we lived immediately after this. she lost her main mode of transportation and support. I was so angry at that time and in the following months. more recently I've cooled off and I'm starting to think I didn't really give her chance to fix the situation. she seemed aloof to my dilemma. I shut her out, and now I don't know if she would have tried to help me.
I live an hour away now, but I work in that area still. logistically working something out with her would be hard now. I feel bad leaving her in the situation she was in. it wasn't all a nightmare. I sincerely thinks she's wonderful and she has similar ambitions, we had serious plans for our future and maybe I jumped the gun? She's just a bit naive, maybe shallow, has too much history with people in the city she lives in, that city is expensive af too. I almost want to reach out to her tell her to move somewhere else with me. start over. also I was on dating sites a few months after the break up, Idk how that would look to her, but I hate those things, didn't really get anything out of them.
If I don't go back, I feel like I have to do something drastic to get over this. Moving far away, but resources are really limited now. She has no shortage of guys willing to crawl back to her. How bad would it look for me to try and talk to her again? I kind of wanted to make a point, but I'm not so confident in my choice now. I feel so stuck.
In other words is reconciling a good, practical idea? and what's the best approach?
if not, what's the best way to cope with the regret?
I'm starting to think I didn't really give her chance to fix the situation.
Are you kidding me???
I read every word, and I am baffled that you would keep going back for more with this girl.
You kept saying you just wanted to be with her. Do you realize that it was at the expense of your own self-worth?
She has HUGE issues herself, yet you were happy to relegate your own feelings and esteem just to "be with her."
No reconciliation. Forget that. You can be an introvert without being a doormat. I recommend you go back to therapy to sort out why you think so little of yourself that you would work so hard to be with someone who cares so little about you as a person.
I read every word, and I am baffled that you would keep going back for more with this girl.
You kept saying you just wanted to be with her. Do you realize that it was at the expense of your own self-worth?
She has HUGE issues herself, yet you were happy to relegate your own feelings and esteem just to "be with her."
No reconciliation. Forget that. You can be an introvert without being a doormat. I recommend you go back to therapy to sort out why you think so little of yourself that you would work so hard to be with someone who cares so little about you as a person.
I read every word, and I am baffled that you would keep going back for more with this girl.
You kept saying you just wanted to be with her. Do you realize that it was at the expense of your own self-worth?
She has HUGE issues herself, yet you were happy to relegate your own feelings and esteem just to "be with her."
No reconciliation. Forget that. You can be an introvert without being a doormat. I recommend you go back to therapy to sort out why you think so little of yourself that you would work so hard to be with someone who cares so little about you as a person.
Her closing comments were more for her benefit than yours. You realize that, right?
As you said, she's been in bad relationships before. Because you were the one to walk away, she is able to put the blame on you. She gets to tell herself that "you really were the man of my dreams", thereby telling herself it's your fault, not hers.
She is picking damaged people to start relationships, knowing she doesn't really have to invest all of herself to keep someone hanging around. It sounds like they get tired of going more than halfway and trouble develops. She'll never walk away or tell them to leave, but her actions will drive them away, eventually.
No reconciliation. Let her go and find someone who is willing to give as much of themselves as you.
I read every word, and I am baffled that you would keep going back for more with this girl.
You kept saying you just wanted to be with her. Do you realize that it was at the expense of your own self-worth?
She has HUGE issues herself, yet you were happy to relegate your own feelings and esteem just to "be with her."
No reconciliation. Forget that. You can be an introvert without being a doormat. I recommend you go back to therapy to sort out why you think so little of yourself that you would work so hard to be with someone who cares so little about you as a person.
Yeah I guess I'm too dependent on others to validate my existence. If someone I like takes interest in me I get that way. I guess part of it is I feel like my prospects aren't so good which leads too...
Quote:
Originally Posted by reds37win
Her closing comments were more for her benefit than yours. You realize that, right?
As you said, she's been in bad relationships before. Because you were the one to walk away, she is able to put the blame on you. She gets to tell herself that "you really were the man of my dreams", thereby telling herself it's your fault, not hers.
She is picking damaged people to start relationships, knowing she doesn't really have to invest all of herself to keep someone hanging around. It sounds like they get tired of going more than halfway and trouble develops. She'll never walk away or tell them to leave, but her actions will drive them away, eventually.
No reconciliation. Let her go and find someone who is willing to give as much of themselves as you.
Her relationship dynamic is pretty unrealistic. Idk who would put up with those expectations beside desperate and immature people. Its like a chaos magnet and I would have loved to get her out of that. It's hard though she just assumed the worst of me due to all those past lovers. I felt like well she has a lot of experience in love and I don't so I must be wrong about something.
I felt like well she has a lot of experience in love and I don't so I must be wrong about something.
That's ^^ why you can't go into another relationship until you resolve this. You don't want to be a person who is so easily influenced by others. What if you get involved with a total psychopath?
FYI Her issues are not your concern, and not something you can resolve.
I include this a lot in this forum, but I really think it applies. It sounds like you may have what is called a "reflected sense of self." It's like you view everyone else as a mirror, and your idea of who you are, your value, is based on what you see them thinking about you. It's like, "I am who I am in YOUR eyes," which is not a healthy viewpoint.
What you want is a solid sense of self. That means that you are who you are regardless of who you are with, and you have to trust that "who you are" is someone worth knowing and loving.
This was a toxic relationship that will never be good for you.Can't you see that this person has issues and they've become your problem as well??Why would you want to get back with someone like that??There are millions of healthy women in the world that wouldn't put you what she put you through.
You need to be a stronger person and heal and move on from this..
Healthy minded people are attracted to other healthy minded people. The thing is, people who are wired not-so-healthy are also into healthy minded people, and some of them are pretty good at keeping those skeletons tucked into their closet. If you listen to what is coming out of their mouths, you will eventually have a bone fly out of their mouths (that visual brought to you by Eddie Murphy's stand-up circa 1987).
Keep your ears perked up and when the bones start flying, be forewarned.
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