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Old 07-21-2016, 10:18 AM
 
97 posts, read 89,548 times
Reputation: 94

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Overall summary of my story:

Dating a guy for 2.5 yrs.

A year ago we had the "where is this going" talk. He freaked out and dumped me and said we're better off as friends along with a slew of things that were bothering him that he never told me about. I was literally floored and devastated.

We take 3 month break, I apologze for everything and basically back off. Then we ease back into things and decide to say together on a "play it by ear" basis

Things are better than ever. Things are more balanced now and out in the open. I never ask or mention where we'll be in the future. I've just accepted things and enjoy everyday rather than thinking about future.

The problem is: Im not the type of person to give up on love. And I know I want to get married oneday but I refused to marry someone because time is running out or it's the next thing to do in life. So I'm willing to wait. I pretty much know in my mind this current relationship isn't going to end in a proposal/marriage because we're both not ready. Unfortunately my heart is still in it and I still want us to be on track toward marriage. I love him a lot and overall we are each other's ideal person (emotionally, physically etc.) But something about our relationship tells me we aren't built on a solid enough foundation to have a marriage relationship. But for the time being I love being with him because he brings a lot to my life and is an amazing person that Im not ready to let go of. Im afraid one day he's going to move on and I'll be left hurt, and any possibility of us being in each other's lives will be gone. Ideally, I would like to keep him in my life for a while even if it is just as friends. But I also feel like if he's always in my life I will never move on. He is my ideal guy emotionally/mentally etc. I would probs not give other guys a fair chance if he was always in my life. I feel stuck and don't know what to do.
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Old 07-21-2016, 10:27 AM
 
1,915 posts, read 1,472,823 times
Reputation: 3238
I went through something similar a couple of years ago. Honestly, the best thing I ever did was completely cut him out of my life so I could emotionally move on. I wasn't looking for marriage, but I was looking for commitment and even after dating for a year he was wishy washy on it. Cutting him loose was hard because I had strong feelings for him, but doing so allowed me to eventually find the man who is now the love of my life.

Now things might be different for you and your situation. So take my idea with a grain of salt. But if this relationship isn't working for you, it might be time to cut your losses. Last thing you want to do is waste years of your life going no where if your goal is marriage and children.

Good luck!
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Old 07-21-2016, 10:29 AM
 
Location: Carolina
189 posts, read 360,710 times
Reputation: 329
Cut your lose and move on, you seen the signs, you know the outcome...
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Old 07-21-2016, 10:39 AM
 
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,809,275 times
Reputation: 40634
How old are you? It matters. But 2.5 years is quite awhile to wait for the "where is this going" talk in most cases, I believe.

If you know you want to get married and he won't be the one to marry you, its time to make a decision.
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Old 07-21-2016, 10:40 AM
 
Location: 🇬🇧 In jolly old London! 🇬🇧
15,675 posts, read 11,480,679 times
Reputation: 12548
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mauwie View Post
Overall summary of my story:

Dating a guy for 2.5 yrs.

A year ago we had the "where is this going" talk. He freaked out and dumped me and said we're better off as friends along with a slew of things that were bothering him that he never told me about. I was literally floored and devastated.

We take 3 month break, I apologze for everything and basically back off. Then we ease back into things and decide to say together on a "play it by ear" basis

Things are better than ever. Things are more balanced now and out in the open. I never ask or mention where we'll be in the future. I've just accepted things and enjoy everyday rather than thinking about future.

The problem is: Im not the type of person to give up on love. And I know I want to get married oneday but I refused to marry someone because time is running out or it's the next thing to do in life. So I'm willing to wait. I pretty much know in my mind this current relationship isn't going to end in a proposal/marriage because we're both not ready. Unfortunately my heart is still in it and I still want us to be on track toward marriage. I love him a lot and overall we are each other's ideal person (emotionally, physically etc.) But something about our relationship tells me we aren't built on a solid enough foundation to have a marriage relationship. But for the time being I love being with him because he brings a lot to my life and is an amazing person that Im not ready to let go of. Im afraid one day he's going to move on and I'll be left hurt, and any possibility of us being in each other's lives will be gone. Ideally, I would like to keep him in my life for a while even if it is just as friends. But I also feel like if he's always in my life I will never move on. He is my ideal guy emotionally/mentally etc. I would probs not give other guys a fair chance if he was always in my life. I feel stuck and don't know what to do.
Hello love

Has he talked about marriage? Or has said he's against it ( to make you think it won't end in marriage? )

Personally I'm not against a break at all and especially if we are both on the same page and both equally believe it would help ..... And in your case it has

To be honest I think you are having these thoughts because it sounds you love him TOO much if that's possible and is the centre of your universe in one shape or form ..... And possibly because things are so good you are worried the bubble will burst.

IMO you are overthinking things my love, if he's makes you happy ( and really happy at that ) then ain't that enough?.
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Old 07-21-2016, 10:43 AM
 
97 posts, read 89,548 times
Reputation: 94
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaLind View Post
I went through something similar a couple of years ago. Honestly, the best thing I ever did was completely cut him out of my life so I could emotionally move on. I wasn't looking for marriage, but I was looking for commitment and even after dating for a year he was wishy washy on it. Cutting him loose was hard because I had strong feelings for him, but doing so allowed me to eventually find the man who is now the love of my life.

Now things might be different for you and your situation. So take my idea with a grain of salt. But if this relationship isn't working for you, it might be time to cut your losses. Last thing you want to do is waste years of your life going no where if your goal is marriage and children.

Good luck!
Thank you I think we basically have the same issue. We were both looking for more commitment. In my case he's fine dating me/calling me his girl but doesn't want to marry me.

The whole situation has been a mind f*** because Im almost convinced that he's the best I will get because he's been the best guy I've dated so far. I'd almost rather be with him for the rest of my life (if he wanted to) and not officially get married, rather than marry someone else who's not right for me and have the title of "husband and wife."

I'm happy to hear you moved on and are with the love of your life now. Just out of curiosity did the other guy ever reach back out to you?

THANK YOU!
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Old 07-21-2016, 10:50 AM
 
97 posts, read 89,548 times
Reputation: 94
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
How old are you? It matters. But 2.5 years is quite awhile to wait for the "where is this going" talk in most cases, I believe.

If you know you want to get married and he won't be the one to marry you, its time to make a decision.
I'm 26, he's 28! we met when we were 23 and 25.
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Old 07-21-2016, 10:53 AM
 
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,809,275 times
Reputation: 40634
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mauwie View Post
I'm 26, he's 28! we met when we were 23 and 25.
Eh, on the edge, but if you want to get married and you know he isn't the one you're going to marry, there is no real reason to stick around. I mean, sure there is, but the hard choice isn't going to get easier.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mauwie View Post
The whole situation has been a mind f*** because Im almost convinced that he's the best I will get because he's been the best guy I've dated so far.

Oh no no no no.... this is low self esteem talking. Do not stay in this because of this mindset. You're WAAAAY too young to think like this (if it is ever appropriate).
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Old 07-21-2016, 10:54 AM
 
9,238 posts, read 22,827,629 times
Reputation: 22692
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mauwie View Post
Overall summary of my story:

Dating a guy for 2.5 yrs.

A year ago we had the "where is this going" talk. He freaked out and dumped me and said we're better off as friends along with a slew of things that were bothering him that he never told me about. I was literally floored and devastated.

We take 3 month break, I apologze for everything and basically back off. Then we ease back into things and decide to say together on a "play it by ear" basis

Things are better than ever. Things are more balanced now and out in the open. I never ask or mention where we'll be in the future. I've just accepted things and enjoy everyday rather than thinking about future.

The problem is: Im not the type of person to give up on love. And I know I want to get married oneday but I refused to marry someone because time is running out or it's the next thing to do in life. So I'm willing to wait. I pretty much know in my mind this current relationship isn't going to end in a proposal/marriage because we're both not ready. Unfortunately my heart is still in it and I still want us to be on track toward marriage. I love him a lot and overall we are each other's ideal person (emotionally, physically etc.) But something about our relationship tells me we aren't built on a solid enough foundation to have a marriage relationship. But for the time being I love being with him because he brings a lot to my life and is an amazing person that Im not ready to let go of. Im afraid one day he's going to move on and I'll be left hurt, and any possibility of us being in each other's lives will be gone. Ideally, I would like to keep him in my life for a while even if it is just as friends. But I also feel like if he's always in my life I will never move on. He is my ideal guy emotionally/mentally etc. I would probs not give other guys a fair chance if he was always in my life. I feel stuck and don't know what to do.
Things are NOT out in the open. You have hopes and needs that you are now hiding or denying in order to keep him comfortable, and to keep him in the relationship. That can't be a healthy basis for a good relationship--he's only happy when your needs are denied. How is that going to play out over time? Whether you end up marrying him or not, it's an unbalanced relationship in which his needs are more important than yours.
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Old 07-21-2016, 10:56 AM
 
Location: Central IL
20,726 posts, read 16,257,110 times
Reputation: 50368
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mauwie View Post
Overall summary of my story:

Dating a guy for 2.5 yrs.

A year ago we had the "where is this going" talk. He freaked out and dumped me and said we're better off as friends along with a slew of things that were bothering him that he never told me about. I was literally floored and devastated.

We take 3 month break, I apologze for everything and basically back off. Then we ease back into things and decide to say together on a "play it by ear" basis

Things are better than ever. Things are more balanced now and out in the open. I never ask or mention where we'll be in the future. I've just accepted things and enjoy everyday rather than thinking about future.

The problem is: Im not the type of person to give up on love. And I know I want to get married oneday but I refused to marry someone because time is running out or it's the next thing to do in life. So I'm willing to wait. I pretty much know in my mind this current relationship isn't going to end in a proposal/marriage because we're both not ready. Unfortunately my heart is still in it and I still want us to be on track toward marriage. I love him a lot and overall we are each other's ideal person (emotionally, physically etc.) But something about our relationship tells me we aren't built on a solid enough foundation to have a marriage relationship. But for the time being I love being with him because he brings a lot to my life and is an amazing person that Im not ready to let go of. Im afraid one day he's going to move on and I'll be left hurt, and any possibility of us being in each other's lives will be gone. Ideally, I would like to keep him in my life for a while even if it is just as friends. But I also feel like if he's always in my life I will never move on. He is my ideal guy emotionally/mentally etc. I would probs not give other guys a fair chance if he was always in my life. I feel stuck and don't know what to do.
What exactly did you apologize for? Did you do something wrong after 1.5 years by finally asking about the future? Basically you just gave up...so yes, he's happy...he's got you with no pressure - even though YOU still want something more (maybe not with him, as it turns out).

You can dump him and still be a nice person. He is not right for you if YOU want to get married someday and HE does not! Just because you're with him doesn't mean you're bad to want someone who fits you. He's never going to marry you - end of story.
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