Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm talking about living on doggon rainbows and butterflies. I'm talking about marriage; two people sitting down together and figuring out a solution to a problem. There is no decider in a functional marriage, outside of people addressing matters together and figuring them out. The answer is not to say , "My money, my rules". How can possibly you argue for the position that the primary earner in a marriage is the DECIDER?
In this situation, due to the circumstances, she has to be. Her husband has chosen to not face reality (which may mean that at this point in this respect, it's no longer a functional marriage), yet there's a mortgage to be paid and mouths to feed. Momma bear needs to make sure her brood is taken care of, even if Poppa bear chooses to hide out in his cave. I'm assuming that the OP has tried to discuss the situation with him, probably more than once, with unsatisfactory results, which is what brings her to us.
We're helping the OP with a specific situation, not discussing general rules for marriage.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 07-23-2016 at 12:08 PM..
Have you had a real conversation with him about this? I'm not talking about you telling him you need to move; I mean a true discussion about what staying (or moving) means for you financially and emotionally as a family.
Have you proposed new places to live and asked what his fears and concerns are? Have you asked him how he expects to support his family if you lose your job? Have you gathered facts and figures about your finances, current income, possible future income, and the impact that could have on your life? Etc etc etc.
I get that something needs to give. But being "The Decider" is a good way to end up divorced and paying child/spousal support. Having a serious conversation is the best way to approach it. If he refuses, then you move forward as necessary, but in a real marriage you don't make unilateral decisions without reasonable attempt to fix the problem first.
In this situation, due to the circumstances, she has to be. Her husband has chosen to not face reality (which may mean that at this point in this respect, it's no longer a functional marriage), yet there's a mortgage to be paid and mouths to feed. Momma bear needs to make sure her brood is taken care of, even if Poppa bear chooses to hide out in his cave.
We're helping the OP with a specific situation, not discussing general rules for marriage.
I don't disagree that a decision must be made, and I'm not arguing that actions shouldn't be taken to take care of one's family.
What I am saying is this: You made a very strong and adamant suggestion to an OP that you don't really know, about a marriage that you've never been involved in, and based it off of information given from her point of view alone. Maybe there are reasons that you don't know about because you aren't there, that her spouse is having issues with moving. You just don't know, maybe there is a sick parent nearby, maybe his own health is poor, I mean it could literally be anything.
But to say, even is this specific situation, Op you are the breadwinner and decider is not helpful. I hope that the Op wouldn't be emboldened by such advice and then get into a heated confrontation with her spouse without working to find a solution to the problem. That is my advice Op, you guys NEED to sit down together talk about all of your concerns and put every single issue on the table, if you haven't already done so. Hopefully after doing so you can find a solution, together, about how best to proceed.
Ruth, most of your advice is insightful. I know that you are very deliberate about what you post and I certainly respect your opinions. I just think you were a bit rash here.
I don't disagree that a decision must be made, and I'm not arguing that actions shouldn't be taken to take care of one's family.
What I am saying is this: You made a very strong and adamant suggestion to an OP that you don't really know, about a marriage that you've never been involved in, and based it off of information given from her point of view alone. Maybe there are reasons that you don't know about because you aren't there, that her spouse is having issues with moving. You just don't know, maybe there is a sick parent nearby, maybe his own health is poor, I mean it could literally be anything.
But to say, even is this specific situation, Op you are the breadwinner and decider is not helpful. I hope that the Op wouldn't be emboldened by such advice and then get into a heated confrontation with her spouse without working to find a solution to the problem. That is my advice Op, you guys NEED to sit down together talk about all of your concerns and put every single issue on the table, if you haven't already done so. Hopefully after doing so you can find a solution, together, about how to proceed.
Ruth, most of your advice is insightful. I know that you are very deliberate about what you post and I certainly respect your opinions. I just think you were a bit rash here.
I was assuming (it sounds like you didn't see my edit to that post) that the OP has already talked to her hubs, probably more than once, about how precarious their finances are given the changes in her workplace, and that he's dug in his heels. I read the OP's post as a question about what to do with a spouse who's dug in his heels after having the situation carefully spelled out for him. (How would she know he's "reluctant", otherwise?) If he's put her up against a wall, and is in denial of the risks, she has to do what's best for her family.
It's because of doubts like you're having that I often ask the Op in a given thread to give us more info. If the OP here hasn't sat down with her husband to discuss the situation and all its ramifications, then of course she should do that, that's a given. It sounded to me like she'd given that a good try, and was turning to us as a last resort, at wit's end.
I was assuming (it sounds like you didn't see my edit to that post) that the OP has already talked to her hubs, probably more than once, about how precarious their finances are given the changes in her workplace, and that he's dug in his heels. I read the OP's post as a question about what to do with a spouse who's dug in his heels after having the situation carefully spelled out for him. (How would she know he's "reluctant", otherwise?)
It's because of doubts like you're having that I often ask the Op in a given thread to give us more info. If the OP here hasn't sat down with her husband to discuss the situation and all its ramifications, then of course she should do that, that's a given. It sounded to me like she'd given that a good try, and was turning to us as a last resort, at wit's end.
I will say this; if the husband is digging his heels in for absolutely no other reason than, he just likes being a jerk. I will cosign what you said before.
I will say this; if the husband is digging his heels in for absolutely no other reason than, he just likes being a jerk. I will cosign what you said before.
Thanks, yeah, I chalk it up to different readings of the original post. As always, clarification from the OP would be helpful. But I got the feeling that he wants to stay because his parents are there, and he's stuck his head in the sand, hoping a good job in the area will magically materialize for her, and the problem will be solved.
Yes I have spoken to him about this. Every place I bring up that wants to hire me he says he doesn't like it there or will find any reason not to leave. I know he is from here, and his family and friends are here but it is a small Podunk town with no job opportunities or opportunity for the children. I offered to move near my extended family and he shot that down too. But this is serious no income, then no house or anything. He works part time at hospital but says he can't work more hours. If he doesn't make his hours because they cut his hours I have to pick up slack or bills wouldn't get paid. Where he dismisses it like oh well..it bothers me when I can't pay the bills. I'm just worried I don't know what I'm walking into every day at work. Wondering which day will be my last.
You have my sympathy OP. It sounds to me like he is terrified of making any change at all and is content with the status quo, even if that status quo is nothing but dead-end opportunities with little to no job prospects at all. Kind of reminds me of my home-town growing up. Ruth may be right here, you might have to just have to take matters into your own hands as it appears he has no intent of every leaving there.
Yes I have spoken to him about this. Every place I bring up that wants to hire me he says he doesn't like it there or will find any reason not to leave. I know he is from here, and his family and friends are here but it is a small Podunk town with no job opportunities or opportunity for the children. I offered to move near my extended family and he shot that down too. But this is serious no income, then no house or anything. He works part time at hospital but says he can't work more hours. If he doesn't make his hours because they cut his hours I have to pick up slack or bills wouldn't get paid. Where he dismisses it like oh well..it bothers me when I can't pay the bills. I'm just worried I don't know what I'm walking into every day at work. Wondering which day will be my last.
Why have they cut his hours; is it the result of budget cuts, or were his the only ones that got cut?
What about taking the tack of giving him some choice? What if you gave him a list of places that have offered you jobs, plus another couple of locations you're applied to, say, or are considering, or could be explored in the future, and after explaining that a move would provide a lot more stability, let him give you some preferences? (Other than staying put, obviously.) While you're fielding offers, you could do other research about the livability of those locations: quality of schools, affordability of housing compared to the pay you'd be bringing in, opportunities for him to find work at the same hospital or other hospitals nearby, etc., so you could present a more complete picture of each option.
Are his parents aware of the situation? If so, what do they say about the prospect of your family moving?
Yes his mother knows and she's against it saying I'm selfish for suggesting it and not putting his needs first. No she wants us to stay too.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
