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I just wanted to thank everyone who replied with helpful advice. After much thought, the opinions of strangers, and the opinions of friends.. I have decided to finally cut ties with someone who has emotionally abused me for five years. I left that part out when I made this post as I was still allowing his opinions to control me; he wouldn't have liked it if I said it had been an emotionally abusive relationship.
I'm finally severing ties.
Yes, he's probably chosen someone else over me but he still wants me in his life. I'm going to protect myself now.
You have mentioned that you can't afford to get back to where you call home, with family and friends, which would emotionally and mentally be VERY good for you. If you really wanted to get back there I have a suggestion about how you could make it happen but it would take sacrifice and determination. Temporarily quit therapy which must cost quite a lot, quit anything that drains your finances except for the care of your pets; cancel anything unnecessary such as cable TV, etc. (remember, this would only be a temporary sacrifice. You could have these things again after going "home"); quit eating out if you do. In a month or two you should be able to use all that money to buy at least a bus ticket home and pay for getting your pets there too. Yes, you would have to leave a lot of material items such as furniture, etc. behind (or sell those things to add to your money) but if getting home would really make a difference for you then it would be worth it. After going home you could then start your therapy again, with the emotional support of your family and friends, and rebuild a new life for yourself without being totally alone. Just a thought.
The OP's situation makes my point. Once you break up, its over, its done, and don't try to it make work. Rarely does anything long term change. If it didn't work once, it will probably not work again.
I really didn't mean to write so much but this is obviously something that's extremely upsetting to me & I'm trying to include any details that might be helpful..
Am I overreacting? I made huge life changes(including leaving the only place that felt like home) for this relationship. We were together for five years. I don't have much support otherwise. We have spoken almost every day for five years; he's been my confidant. We had planned to marry. He was my co-parent with the cats. We lived in an isolated area and it was basically just myself and him(he did have friends & family there) for four years. Not healthy but that was my reality. It was a very significant relationship and hard to lose. That's why I let him back into my life, even after the breakup.
I don't know how to get past having chosen to trust someone only to be cheated on. It hurts. I'm 35 and I'm lonely. I don't know how to trust again and I know that lack of trust wouldnt be fair to anyone I let in again. I've been cheated on before(nothing to this degree), I already had low self esteem, things happened during our relationship to shake the trust I had in him... So it took a lot for me to trust him. I feel like the interest was there when he offered to ditch the new friendships to make things work with me, and that's why he offered. There were hints. But I told myself I was just being paranoid/anxious. So to know he had sex with one of them the moment he felt things were over.. It's beyond painful. The fact that he did it when I was already struggling with my share of painful things. The fact that he knew it would hurt me. It's been a nightmare. Someone who claims to love me, someone I love, chose to hurt me.
And now I feel he's choosing something fresh and new over me. I know he doesn't want to face the guilt of having hurt me; he said it himself. He doesn't want to witness my pain. I know I'm pathetic for still hoping he'll apologize and commit to couple's therapy/making this right, but this is someone who would be very hard for me to lose. We had a life together. Even after the breakup, we never stopped talking.
I know he's going to blame it on other factors. He's going to say the relationship had become too upsetting and stressful, as we were working through things and having some upsetting talks at times. He did not like my reaction to him telling me he was moving. I now wonder if he did it because he knew it would upset me and "clear the way" to do what he did. I don't feel the interest developed the moment he felt we were over. I think it's disgusting and cruel to have sex with someone else within a day of a five year relationship "ending"; disgusting and cruel on both parts. We only went a week without talking.
I'm going to start therapy again. It can help to some degree. But nothing can take the place of someone who was such a significant part of my life for five years. Everything reminds me of him. I keep wanting to tell him things. It's a huge loss. And I lost him in the worst possible way. He said "it's not about other people"(the person he cheated on me with) but I can't help but feel like he's chosen someone over me, and that hurts my already low self esteem. It hurts on a deep level(past experience).
When I was 30, I was in a relationship and moved from my home state to be with him. We built a life together and lived together for five years. When I was 35, he cheated on me with a coworker. Not "got together with somebody right after we parted ways. Straight up started a relationship with a coworker during our five-year long cohabiting relationship. I should have expected it -he was raised in an environment where adultery was very much the standard -but I didn't, and was blindsided.
I left as soon as I got a place to live, and haven't spoken to him since, except for about a week after I moved out, when he informed me he was surrendering or dog to a shelter (I'd had to find a rental very quickly and couldn't have pets, and the woman he was moving into our old house evidently didn't like dogs).
If you are choosing to let someone who has behaved hurtfully into your life over and over again, you are asking to be hurt. Your self-esteem will continue to suffer until you have much better boundaries.
If he decides he wants back into my life, what is the right thing to do? Am I right to ask that he cut her out & commit to rebuilding trust/going to couple's therapy with me?
I don't feel that's going to happen. I just want to be prepared.
Why do you let someone else determine your future, your happiness? You need to take back that control. You determine your life, your happiness.
When you allow others to control you, it never is in your best interests. Remember, no one loves you more than you. No one cares about you more than you. Then why on earth are you not in control of your life, your happiness, your future, your destiny? Don't hand that control to someone else.
I hate saying this and I realize most on here will disagree (my opinions typically aren't the same as most peoples on this forum though), but I do not believe men and women as adults should be friends. The friends I have are female and I don't think I could date a guy who has female friends.
You have mentioned that you can't afford to get back to where you call home, with family and friends, which would emotionally and mentally be VERY good for you. If you really wanted to get back there I have a suggestion about how you could make it happen but it would take sacrifice and determination. Temporarily quit therapy which must cost quite a lot, quit anything that drains your finances except for the care of your pets; cancel anything unnecessary such as cable TV, etc. (remember, this would only be a temporary sacrifice. You could have these things again after going "home"); quit eating out if you do. In a month or two you should be able to use all that money to buy at least a bus ticket home and pay for getting your pets there too. Yes, you would have to leave a lot of material items such as furniture, etc. behind (or sell those things to add to your money) but if getting home would really make a difference for you then it would be worth it. After going home you could then start your therapy again, with the emotional support of your family and friends, and rebuild a new life for yourself without being totally alone. Just a thought.
Hello - Thank you for the suggestions. I am saving as much of my disability money as I possibly can now. I don't have much I can cut(no cable, not even a TV) but I will be examining my finances more thoroughly..
I'm not currently in therapy; I was before I moved and it was free for me.
I don't have family there. I moved there to escape a bad situation(abusive household, housebound with social anxiety) many years ago. The friends I have are not in a position to help me with anything. I would need to wait until I made it to the top of a wait list for disabled housing. It's a place where the cheapest monthly rent would be my entire SSDI check.
I hate saying this and I realize most on here will disagree (my opinions typically aren't the same as most peoples on this forum though), but I do not believe men and women as adults should be friends. The friends I have are female and I don't think I could date a guy who has female friends.
I feel the same now, and I was honestly never comfortable with the idea of NEW female friends. I was 100% okay with well-established friends who were respectful of our relationship.
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