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I just ended all connections with someone I thought I had a relationship with. He pursued me at work and since I am a pathetic loser who rarely catches anyone's attention that is remotely decent, of course I was flattered and I responded. Initially, I thought, consistent with my low self esteem, that I was probably only a distraction from work/personal relationships, so never asked any questions about his past or present. I just liked getting his attention and talking to him. I am never the one to put someone on spot and ask them questions where I know I might be putting them in an uncomfortable situation. In this case, I didn't ask him questions on his personal situation mostly cuz I didn't want to hear anything that could break my heart...that he has a gf or that he is married.
Anyway, he wasn't married but he was out of a long term relationship...this was nearly three years ago. Soon we were chatting all the time and he would ask me out for coffee and we would go. Now, we come from different cultural, racial and religious backgrounds and I was upfront about the fact that I was quite religious and if he is looking for "pump & dump" he should cut his losses and move on. But he would always laugh over it. To his credit, he didn't pressure me into doing anything I didn't want to do. And given my situation, I couldn't hang out with him outside of work hours. I don't know if in order to accommodate this or what he only seriously asked me out on a proper date once...and I did go! Otherwise, he just always assumed that I couldn't be available...I was never part of any of his weekend plans whenever he talked about them. Despite this, we managed to continue this so called relationship for three years.
Needless to say, I wanted him to marry me so we could live like a normal couple which wasn't possible otherwise. He told me early on that it wasn't possible and it crushed me back then but I kept connecting with him because I liked him and I really thought he might come around. I also realized it was too soon to ask for that when our relationship was far from conventional. But my only concern is, he knew this...he knew I wasn't like any other because I was juggling two different worlds. All he had to do was to make a commitment...a formal commitment because yeah yeah yeah I am "still hung on to the outdated backward notions called religious beliefs!"
Now I know most of you would be rolling your eyes and telling me that he did the right thing by not getting swayed by my requests. He wanted me to give up everything that defined me and even then there was no guarantee that we would be in a long term relationship. Its like he never got into this "relationship" with any seriousness. I almost feel like I was just amusing distraction and maybe some emotional fulfillment for him...while he was getting his physical needs met elsewhere (heck I don't even blame him for that...but I do think this refrained him from earnestly trying to make something work with me?).
You know what, typing all this makes me sound so immature and delusional...but really I do think what we had was substantial...but have people no faith anymore to get into a formal commitment with someone who has given them no reason other than their strong faith (ah I suspect some more eye rolls here!) to be wary of. Someone who would've been utterly loyal and faithful and caring.
Now pick apart my delusions....or maybe try to see what I thought was there.
I knew this was coming....so how exactly a relationship is defined?
Usually it's defined by the presence of intimate activity. By your description, you had a friendship; you guys went to lunch or coffee together regularly, and there was only one formal date. It really wasn't even a dateship, it was mainly colleagues being friendly, I gather. Except for the occasional discussions about commitment, or something along those lines, which aren't entirely clear from your story.
Well there was some intimacy but not full blown sex. So texting each other everyday from morning til evening, meeting almost everyday...some intimacy are not enough to qualify as a relationship? I do concede that I am highly unconventional in that sense...and he knew that!
Well there was some intimacy but not full blown sex. So texting each other everyday from morning til evening, meeting almost everyday...some intimacy are not enough to qualify as a relationship? I do concede that I am highly unconventional in that sense...and he knew that!
ah okay. Thanks for clarifying.
Well, you didn't want to put out so he got it somewhere else. I am actually surprised he stuck with you for so long. That means he really liked you - if that makes you feel any better.
Most guys wouldn't even spend one week with you after you tell them there is no pump n dump or pump at all.
If you are "highly unconventional" in that sense, you have to either change your ways and come around, or find an alike person with the same religion or don't be surprised if you stay single for a long time.
I just ended all connections with someone I thought I had a relationship with. He pursued me at work and since I am a pathetic loser who rarely catches anyone's attention that is remotely decent, of course I was flattered and I responded. Initially, I thought, consistent with my low self esteem, that I was probably only a distraction from work/personal relationships, so never asked any questions about his past or present. I just liked getting his attention and talking to him. I am never the one to put someone on spot and ask them questions where I know I might be putting them in an uncomfortable situation. In this case, I didn't ask him questions on his personal situation mostly cuz I didn't want to hear anything that could break my heart...that he has a gf or that he is married.
Anyway, he wasn't married but he was out of a long term relationship...this was nearly three years ago. Soon we were chatting all the time and he would ask me out for coffee and we would go. Now, we come from different cultural, racial and religious backgrounds and I was upfront about the fact that I was quite religious and if he is looking for "pump & dump" he should cut his losses and move on. But he would always laugh over it. To his credit, he didn't pressure me into doing anything I didn't want to do. And given my situation, I couldn't hang out with him outside of work hours. I don't know if in order to accommodate this or what he only seriously asked me out on a proper date once...and I did go! Otherwise, he just always assumed that I couldn't be available...I was never part of any of his weekend plans whenever he talked about them. Despite this, we managed to continue this so called relationship for three years.
Needless to say, I wanted him to marry me so we could live like a normal couple which wasn't possible otherwise. He told me early on that it wasn't possible and it crushed me back then but I kept connecting with him because I liked him and I really thought he might come around. I also realized it was too soon to ask for that when our relationship was far from conventional. But my only concern is, he knew this...he knew I wasn't like any other because I was juggling two different worlds. All he had to do was to make a commitment...a formal commitment because yeah yeah yeah I am "still hung on to the outdated backward notions called religious beliefs!"
Now I know most of you would be rolling your eyes and telling me that he did the right thing by not getting swayed by my requests. He wanted me to give up everything that defined me and even then there was no guarantee that we would be in a long term relationship. Its like he never got into this "relationship" with any seriousness. I almost feel like I was just amusing distraction and maybe some emotional fulfillment for him...while he was getting his physical needs met elsewhere (heck I don't even blame him for that...but I do think this refrained him from earnestly trying to make something work with me?).
You know what, typing all this makes me sound so immature and delusional...but really I do think what we had was substantial...but have people no faith anymore to get into a formal commitment with someone who has given them no reason other than their strong faith (ah I suspect some more eye rolls here!) to be wary of. Someone who would've been utterly loyal and faithful and caring.
Now pick apart my delusions....or maybe try to see what I thought was there.
Anybody who would write this about themselves, needs more help than an internet forum can give. This incident (relationship) is a symptom of bigger issues that you need to get a handle on. Please seek professional help to deal with the overall issues, and the smaller ones will deal with themselves.
Anybody who would write this about themselves, needs more help than an internet forum can give. This incident (relationship) is a symptom of bigger issues that you need to get a handle on. Please seek professional help to deal with the overall issues, and the smaller ones will deal with themselves.
Not denying that I have bigger issues...well a moderate disability (nothing mental I can assure you of that ...or so I think). Professional help can't cure that, it can only make me accept this flaw in me...which I think I have come to accept to an extent. My problem is contrary to the impression that I might be giving through my posts....lets say I am probably a beggar who also happens to be a chooser. I don't know.
The full intimacy or not doesn't have any bearing on any of this. All of this comes back to the OP. OP you might want to look into some of the Christian dating sites or church perhaps. The bigger issue is the self esteem problems that sorta just jump out me. You need to have a bit more courage in life at times. Not wanting to ask him his relationship status out of fear is just living like an ostrich. Think about what you want a bit more in life and make plans to get it, expect that you deserve a bit more than the scraps and that's what this guy was giving you, scraps. He also never really viewed you as a GF otherwise you'd be in his weekend plans. Don't waste anymore of your life being as timid. Just be a bit more assertive at times. You should have confronted him a long long time ago and nailed down what you had, I think he was just killing time with you.
Do you want that for the rest of your life?? If not start putting some parameters in your life.
Best of luck to you.
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...or so I think). Professional help can't cure that, it can only make me accept this flaw in me...which I think I have come to accept to an extent. My problem is contrary to the impression that I might be giving through my posts....lets say I am probably a beggar who also happens to be a chooser. I don't know.
