Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Ok, very different from my experiences, many of my closes friends I've known for 10-20 years plus. The friendship doesn't ever dissolve. Sure, people spend less time together, or move away, or whatever... but I don't really consider that dissolving.
I guess I don't understand the fear of them sleeping with other people component either. If someone wants to cheat, they're going to cheat. And whether a female friend is hanging with her male friend or a female friend it doesn't matter much as I pretty uncommonly date women or are friends with women that don't at least occasionally sleep with women as well. Its certainly been awhile since I've dated a woman for any period of time that doesn't.
Here's an example why it doesn't work for me.
I tried to spark up a friendship with a woman who was talking to a guy just a month ago. Got stonewalled from the beginning. We had known each other in the past, but had kind of dropped off on communication. Basically, she felt if she was actively pursuing a guy, why would she complicate things by adding another guy into the equation that she knows she doesn't want to pursue romantically? She has a goal in mind and doesn't want to mess that up. I think that's what the OP is trying to get across. It's maybe not the friendship with the opposite sex is bad, but why do you have to keep so many in your orbit?
This is an isolated event, but platonic opposite sex friends just stopped happening a few years ago. Maybe they'll pick up in my late 30s and early 40s, when there's a higher propensity for women to just seek companionship as they've had a better chance of being married/divorced and not wanting to go down that path again?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,957,550 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84
It's maybe not the friendship with the opposite sex is bad, but why do you have to keep so many in your orbit?
I don't consider my friends to be circling in an "orbit". They're friends. Do people really ever think: "Damn, I have too many friends hovering around, why are they hanging out with me! This can't be good."
I can't, personally, ever imagine having too many friends.
I don't consider my friends to be circling in an "orbit". They're friends. Do people really ever think: "Damn, I have too many friends hovering around, why are they hanging out with me! This can't be good."
I can't, personally, ever imagine having too many friends.
Man, it's the type of friendships he's keeping. Women that he texts constantly with. If he hung out with the women once or twice a month, but weren't texting non-stop as well, maybe it would suit her better. The reality is, she feels insecure by these women. She's likely not going to change from that. Just like you're not going to mysteriously start growing hair. Some things are just ingrained in us and this is one for her. It makes her uncomfortable, she's said it bothers her, and his actions have stated that he doesn't respect her wishes or even the compromise.
I've had similar insecurities as well and my male friends all told me the same thing. People are going to do what they want to do at the end of the day. She was either going to respect your feelings and respect you and vice versa. It's better to go look for someone who lines up on more of what you're looking for from a partner, because if it's a problem now, it's always going to be an issue. No relationship is perfect, but there's definitely issues that rank much higher to me romantically that are problematic than other things. Opposite sex friendships in large numbers is something that just makes me insecure. I'm likely never going to improve from that. It's just ingrained in me.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,957,550 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84
Man, it's the type of friendships he's keeping. Women that he texts constantly with. If he hung out with the women once or twice a month, but weren't texting non-stop as well, maybe it would suit her better. The reality is, she feels insecure by these women. She's likely not going to change from that. Just like you're not going to mysteriously start growing hair. Some things are just ingrained in us and this is one for her. It makes her uncomfortable, she's said it bothers her, and his actions have stated that he doesn't respect her wishes or even the compromise.
I wish I stopped growing hair, then I wouldn't have to shave my head everyday! And don't most people mysteriously start growing hair, but in places they don't want it?
I don't really buy the "texts constantly" thing much. I mean, people have convos with friends over text. So, people will text back and forth making plans, or shooting the bleep, and then not talk for a bit. It's streaky.
What could he do to make her feel better other than to drop his friends or not be friends with his friends? That's a great question. In my book, any person that drops friends which are there usually through thick and thin because of some insecurities with a S/O really isn't a good friend.
The solution, as I see it, is to get over one's insecurities. They is ALWAYS going to be something to be insecure about, if someone is the type of person to be insecure.
What could he do to make her feel better other than to drop his friends or not be friends with his friends? That's a great question. In my book, any person that drops friends which are there usually through thick and thin because of some insecurities with a S/O really isn't a good friend.
The solution, as I see it, is to get over one's insecurities. They is ALWAYS going to be something to be insecure about, if someone is the type of person to be insecure.
He could start by introducing her to these friends and not exclude her from the time he spends with these women.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,957,550 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011
He could start by introducing her to these friends and not exclude her from the time he spends with these women.
Well sure, that should be a given. But there is nothing to indicate that he is excluding her or doesn't want her to meet them, that would indeed be a big red flag. For all we know the OP has no desire to meet them. Has she tried to meet them or hang out with them and he's balked at that? There is nothing to indicate that. If that has happened its a different story entirely.
Man, it's the type of friendships he's keeping. Women that he texts constantly with. If he hung out with the women once or twice a month, but weren't texting non-stop as well, maybe it would suit her better. The reality is, she feels insecure by these women. She's likely not going to change from that. Just like you're not going to mysteriously start growing hair. Some things are just ingrained in us and this is one for her. It makes her uncomfortable, she's said it bothers her, and his actions have stated that he doesn't respect her wishes or even the compromise.
What is the compromise, though? I guess I'm not clear about that. What kind of friendship could you really have with anyone if you just see them once every couple weeks and spend absolutely zero time outside of that knowing what's going on in their lives?
Again, just from my own experience, I have a best friend who I have text conversations with all the time - almost every single day. (She also lives very far away from me, so the hanging out part isn't an issue.) The compromise would be that if I were dating anyone, I wouldn't mind showing her any conversation I was having with my friend. Not giving up my phone passwords and stuff, but if she saw a text from my friend pop up on my phone, I'd happily show her what it said. We're seriously not that interesting, so I'm pretty sure a couple weeks of spot-checks would be enough to convince anyone that there's nothing insidious going on.
I get making compromises, but I feel like there's a way to do it that isn't just "you can never see or talk to these people unless I say it's OK." Because that's not a compromise at all.
Last edited by strandedx02; 08-12-2016 at 09:36 AM..
He could start by introducing her to these friends and not exclude her from the time he spends with these women.
There's your answer. Try to incorporate the friendship and let her gauge the feelings. Like they say, women can judge other women's motives better than men can and vice versa.
What is the compromise, though? I guess I'm not clear about that. What kind of friendship could you really have with anyone if you just see them once every couple weeks and spend absolutely zero time outside of that knowing what's going on in their lives?
Again, just from my own experience, I have a best friend who I have text conversations with all the time - almost every single day. (She also lives very far away from me, so the hanging out part isn't an issue.) The compromise would be that if I were dating anyone, I wouldn't mind showing her any conversation I was having with my friend. Not giving up my phone passwords and stuff, but if she saw a text from my friend pop up on my phone, I'd happily show her what it said. We're seriously not that interesting, so I'm pretty sure a couple weeks of spot-checks would be enough to convince anyone that there's nothing insidious going on.
I get making compromises, but I feel like there's a way to do it that isn't just "you can never see or talk to these people unless I say it's OK." Because that's not a compromise at all.
I don't think it's a you can't talk to these women ever again kind of vibe either. This is what stinks about ultimatums and why it's more important to find someone who just feels the same way about these scenarios as you do, because you're just forcing a square peg in a round hole in these scenarios. She's uncomfortable with the arrangement and he doesn't see the issue. She changes, he changes, or the relationship fails. Is either party willing to change their viewpoints and not build resentment? Only time will tell.
I just know from my experience that many women my age, who were in successful relationships, left a lot of the one on one opposite friendships behind. It didn't mean they didn't still hang out from time to time, but time to time took quite a while to come around. It definitely wasn't a frequency of once or twice a month. Try once or twice semi-annually to annually. Granted, most of these women have families and children to attend too, so they have more pressing things going on than star gazing with their male friends. All about priorities and everyone is different.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
