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As *alleged* mature adults if you cannot handle a friendship of the opposite sex as a friendship, you are the one with the issues and definitely not as mature or adult as you want everyone to believe.
In reality no one is physically or sexually attracted to everyone and there is no valid reason why mature adults cannot have whomever they want as a friend.
In our world of love and marrriage neither I nor Mr. CSD would even hint at let alone demand a friend of the opposite sex be tossed aside like unimportant trash.
We are married to each other, we are committed to each other and we trust each other, it is as simple as that.
Wow, ok. Fair enough. I've never known anyone to get a married anywhere near that fast. They date 2+ years, then get engaged, then its generally another year until they're married.
Your mindset is mine too. I couldn't see myself being married without dating the person 2 years and potentially living together another year. Reality is, in my demographic region, my horse did not win the race. I'm 32, haven't been married or had kids, or had a serious long-term relationship in years. Not because I didn't want too, but because I just got heavily focused in other things.
However, don't get me wrong, if I'm dating someone, I do want to perceive it going somewhere. If we're just going places here and there, but we're not really progressing, then in my experience the relationship dissolved. They weren't into me or vice versa. Sometimes other things just take precedence in our life to where we fully can't focus on a relationship.
As *alleged* mature adults if you cannot handle a friendship of the opposite sex as a friendship, you are the one with the issues and definitely not as mature or adult as you want everyone to believe.
Is that the official measure of "mature" and "adult" now?
Gotta make sure to keep my list up to date, you know.
I find it odd that he keeps in regular contact with women his GF has never met, and I wonder why she hasn't met them. My husband and I don't text constantly or hang out with people that the other doesn't know.
I don't know some of my husbands friends. He started a new job a few years back, they all go for drinks sometimes (including women)and he has even gone on a trip with some guys from work. I guess I could insist on meeting them, but I don't really see why I would, I have zero in common with them, and I trust my husband. Besides, I have my own friends I would rather see. But again, with the op, I don't think hanging out a few times a month is constant. They are just probably not right for each other. Neither is bad, just different ideas about what works. That is what dating is for.....to find out if you have the same ideas about life and relationships
So my boyfriend (28M) is the kind of guy that has multiple female friends that he hangs out with casually, maybe once or twice a month and texts often. In the beginning of our relationship I (22F) was very insecure and suspicious of his friendships with women but he's never given me a reason not to trust him and he's very transparent with me about them and when he's hanging out with him.
We've had small arguments in the past about this issue but we've worked out our differences for the most part. I'm not 100% thrilled that he has female friends but I'm completely rational and understand that he's an adult and can go/do whatever he wants with whomever and I do not want to control him in anyway. It's more that I don't trust them than I don't trust him because I've only met 1 out of 5-6 of them. I also don't have any platonic male friends and my girlfriends have said that that might also be part of my insecurity.
However, I still feel like sometimes he doesn't use the best judgement when it comes to this situation and it upsets me. For example, today he told me that he asked his female friends if they wanted to watch the meteor shower with him tonight. (I'm visiting grandparents in another state). On our first date, we watched stars/meteors together so this kind of struck a cord if you know what I mean. I just feel like that is something that can be seen as romantic or "date like" and I wish he understood that I find it inappropriate to ask another girl to do that with him.
I don't know what to do. I know he's not trying to be sneaky or malicious towards me but I feel like we've had the same conversation multiple times and he's just not understanding where I'm coming from at all. I don't want the only difference between me and his female friends to be that him and I have sex. In a way his relationships with these other girls makes me feel...not as special.
Does anyone have advice on how I can not be as insecure or fix this problem?
Either he is a cheater that has FWB on the side or he is not. It might be cathartic to have a frank conversation about this. You could admit your insecurities, remind him that you don't have personal experience with platonic opposite sex relationships, and tell him that you cannot tell if these are secret FWB or just platonic. Then the ball would be in his court to either swear they are platonic or open a window for a confession. Meanwhile, by being frank about why you are having trouble with this, it might clue him into a greater level of consideration. Meanwhile, you should take a good look at your own attitudes about platonic opposite sex relationships. Maybe you need a few.
Is that the official measure of "mature" and "adult" now?
Gotta make sure to keep my list up to date, you know.
"Mature" adults are self aware and able to recognize warning points for themselves. Nothing more, nothing less.
That may include limiting your own exposure to certain people to curb your own temptations, not "just" repeating you don't have an issue to yourself over and over until finally "get it".
To the OP:
Your have to express and acknowledge you DO have an issue with this (him having female friends) in order to deal in the reality of the situation you face in this relationship.
He also has to understand there are things that affect your negatively when dealing with members of the opposite sex.
Somewhere in the middle of these two things is where you can both find a understood solution to the conflict, but only if you both choose to get real with one another and not dismiss the others conflicts when doing so.
The advice that "you don't have a valid problem so leave him alone" is just others own insecurities and entitlement projecting for them.
Make no mistake, You DO have a valid relationship issue and you DO need to address it.
Last edited by rego00123; 08-12-2016 at 11:57 AM..
"Mature" adults are self aware and able to recognize warning points for themselves. Nothing more, nothing less.
That may include limiting your own exposure to certain people to curb your own temptations, not "just" repeating you don't have an issue to yourself over and over until finally "get it".
To the OP:
Your have to express and acknowledge you DO have an issue with this (him having female friends) in order to deal in the reality of the situation you face in this relationship.
He also has to understand there are things that affect your negatively when dealing with members of the opposite sex.
Somewhere in the middle of these two things is where you can both find a understood solution to the conflict, but only if you both choose to get real with one another and not dismiss the others conflicts when doing so.
The advice that "you don't have a valid problem so leave him alone" is just others own insecurities and entitlement projecting for them.
Make no mistake, You DO have a valid relationship issue and you DO need to address it.
Why is it someone else's insecurity if he's going out with (or went, at this point) a GROUP of women to see a meteor shower?
If the OP has issues of her own having opposite sex friendships, that doesn't mean she needs to project it on her boyfriend, who may have no problems whatsoever having opposite sex friendships. I'm a single female and I have plenty of male friends who are married or in serious relationships. I have no desire to be in romantic relationships with these men and am always more than happy to meet with the spouse/SO.
In the issue here, the OP was out of town, so she couldn't have been invited regardless. Maybe the boyfriend would have invited her if she'd been around.
Why is it someone else's insecurity if he's going out with (or went, at this point) a GROUP of women to see a meteor shower?
If the OP has issues of her own having opposite sex friendships, that doesn't mean she needs to project it on her boyfriend, who may have no problems whatsoever having opposite sex friendships. I'm a single female and I have plenty of male friends who are married or in serious relationships. I have no desire to be in romantic relationships with these men and am always more than happy to meet with the spouse/SO.
In the issue here, the OP was out of town, so she couldn't have been invited regardless. Maybe the boyfriend would have invited her if she'd been around.
It's called being In a relationship. You don't get to choose the issues you get to deal with, you have purposefully involved another person in your life and by proxy invited in outside sources of conflict.
Choosing to ignore the problems you face within that relationship is choosing your own side instead of breeding discussion and bonding with your partner in other ways that don't only involve your own interests.
If you want to ignore people who may have conflicts with the dynamic you create together, don't commit yourself to them.
Be a vagabond to relationships and only take what makes you happy from the sources willing to give it to you. In the end if you are only ever willing to accept your way of being, that's all you are seeking out of involving others anyways.
Last edited by rego00123; 08-12-2016 at 12:43 PM..
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