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Old 08-11-2016, 06:19 PM
 
9 posts, read 20,707 times
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So my boyfriend (28M) is the kind of guy that has multiple female friends that he hangs out with casually, maybe once or twice a month and texts often. In the beginning of our relationship I (22F) was very insecure and suspicious of his friendships with women but he's never given me a reason not to trust him and he's very transparent with me about them and when he's hanging out with him.

We've had small arguments in the past about this issue but we've worked out our differences for the most part. I'm not 100% thrilled that he has female friends but I'm completely rational and understand that he's an adult and can go/do whatever he wants with whomever and I do not want to control him in anyway. It's more that I don't trust them than I don't trust him because I've only met 1 out of 5-6 of them. I also don't have any platonic male friends and my girlfriends have said that that might also be part of my insecurity.

However, I still feel like sometimes he doesn't use the best judgement when it comes to this situation and it upsets me. For example, today he told me that he asked his female friends if they wanted to watch the meteor shower with him tonight. (I'm visiting grandparents in another state). On our first date, we watched stars/meteors together so this kind of struck a cord if you know what I mean. I just feel like that is something that can be seen as romantic or "date like" and I wish he understood that I find it inappropriate to ask another girl to do that with him.

I don't know what to do. I know he's not trying to be sneaky or malicious towards me but I feel like we've had the same conversation multiple times and he's just not understanding where I'm coming from at all. I don't want the only difference between me and his female friends to be that him and I have sex. In a way his relationships with these other girls makes me feel...not as special.

Does anyone have advice on how I can not be as insecure or fix this problem?
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Old 08-11-2016, 06:28 PM
 
25,740 posts, read 25,364,326 times
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If you keep having the same conversation and you can't come to an agreement, and you can't handle his friendships, then you may need to break up.

He's an adult and you won't change him. Even if you could, it would likely be temporary as resentment would set in and he's rebound to "to hell with this, I'll have whatever friends I want."
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Old 08-11-2016, 06:34 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,518 posts, read 70,430,585 times
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It seems a bit insensitive. What, he can't watch the meteor shower on his own? Why not? He's a big boy. He doesn't need to be baby-sat. However, I don't know how to address it without your coming across seeming kind of whiny or pleading.


Is everything else with the relationship ok? I wonder if he's keeping these other women hovering around him as kind of an insurance plan, in case the relationship with you falls apart. He'll have options.
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Old 08-11-2016, 06:41 PM
 
9 posts, read 20,707 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
It seems a bit insensitive. What, he can't watch the meteor shower on his own? Why not? He's a big boy. He doesn't need to be baby-sat. However, I don't know how to address it without your coming across seeming kind of whiny or pleading.


Is everything else with the relationship ok? I wonder if he's keeping these other women hovering around him as kind of an insurance plan, in case the relationship with you falls apart. He'll have options.
Yes, it is. I also had the same thoughts about the "back up" plan thing and actually asked him if that's why they're friends and he said "no if I had feelings for my friends I'd date them and not you." So there's that..lol
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Old 08-11-2016, 06:52 PM
 
6,805 posts, read 3,568,898 times
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Why have you not met the rest of his female friends?

Why don't you start making some male friends and hang out with them? His reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know about what his true motivations are.
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Old 08-11-2016, 06:54 PM
 
17,241 posts, read 10,169,578 times
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Any dude that has to constantly text and hang out with other female 'friends,' knowing very well that it makes his actual girlfriend feel uncomfortable, is not suitable relationship material.

Now I'm sure most people on here, reading this, will tell the OP to stop being so insecure, grow up, etc.

Sorry, but as a guy I don't see it that way.

I can tell all of y'all that I wouldn't feel happy having a girlfriend that constantly texted other guys and invited them to hang out with her, among other things, to watch shooting starts at night. WTF? I'm not good enough for her?

Move on girl, you will never be happy in this situation. Not only because of your insecurities, but because you are with a guy that seems to have little respect or concern for issues you have raised in the path.

YOU should be the one that comes first in a relationship, NOT other girls.

I would never put my girlfriend/wife on the spot by constantly texting other girls and wanting to hang out with them.
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Old 08-11-2016, 07:05 PM
 
Location: NC
151 posts, read 83,041 times
Reputation: 313
Quote:
Originally Posted by Suburban_Guy View Post
Any dude that has to constantly text and hang out with other female 'friends,' knowing very well that it makes his actual girlfriend feel uncomfortable, is not suitable relationship material.

Now I'm sure most people on here, reading this, will tell the OP to stop being so insecure, grow up, etc.

Sorry, but as a guy I don't see it that way.

I can tell all of y'all that I wouldn't feel happy having a girlfriend that constantly texted other guys and invited them to hang out with her, among other things, to watch shooting starts at night. WTF? I'm not good enough for her?

Move on girl, you will never be happy in this situation. Not only because of your insecurities, but because you are with a guy that seems to have little respect or concern for issues you have raised in the path.

YOU should be the one that comes first in a relationship, NOT other girls.

I would never put my girlfriend/wife on the spot by constantly texting other girls and wanting to hang out with them.
The OP said that her boyfriend hung out with his friends "once or twice a month" and that she was out of town tonight while the meteor shower is going on. I also don't know why you put scare quotes around 'friends' since, again, the OP said that she has no reason to suspect that he's being dishonest. So it's not constant, there's a reason why he's choosing to see his friends tonight instead of his girlfriend, and there's no sign of anything suspicious.

It could just be that they're incompatible, but I don't know what the boyfriend is supposed to do differently. Why is he not allowed to have friends?
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Old 08-11-2016, 07:08 PM
 
122 posts, read 76,141 times
Reputation: 187
ok, I guess I will ask a few question here.

1) Does he has those friends before he met you?
2) Was he single while still have those friends.

If they are both yes for the answer, there cannot be anything between him and those friends. If it can happen, it already did before he met you.
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Old 08-11-2016, 08:16 PM
 
9 posts, read 20,707 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Milehighrockies View Post
ok, I guess I will ask a few question here.

1) Does he has those friends before he met you?
2) Was he single while still have those friends.

If they are both yes for the answer, there cannot be anything between him and those friends. If it can happen, it already did before he met you.
Yes and yes. He's actually said that exact thing before, that if he wanted to date them he would have, so maybe I'm just over reacting :/
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Old 08-11-2016, 08:24 PM
 
Location: Queens, NY
3,814 posts, read 2,203,814 times
Reputation: 4841
Quote:
Originally Posted by Suburban_Guy View Post
Any dude that has to constantly text and hang out with other female 'friends,' knowing very well that it makes his actual girlfriend feel uncomfortable, is not suitable relationship material.

Now I'm sure most people on here, reading this, will tell the OP to stop being so insecure, grow up, etc.

Sorry, but as a guy I don't see it that way.

I can tell all of y'all that I wouldn't feel happy having a girlfriend that constantly texted other guys and invited them to hang out with her, among other things, to watch shooting starts at night. WTF? I'm not good enough for her?

Move on girl, you will never be happy in this situation. Not only because of your insecurities, but because you are with a guy that seems to have little respect or concern for issues you have raised in the path.

YOU should be the one that comes first in a relationship, NOT other girls.

I would never put my girlfriend/wife on the spot by constantly texting other girls and wanting to hang out with them.
I don't disagree with you, but at the same time, her boyfriend shouldn't have any platonic female friends (assuming they're just platonic that is)? Even more so if he's known them a long time.

Neither the OP or her boyfriend are wrong, in my opinion, but it may just be a sign of incompatibility in that regard.
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