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We are both in our 20s. Honestly I feel myself starting to get bags under my eyes from this relationship and trying to keep up with his many mood swings.
I have never met a man that it always so whiny about EVERYTHING. I can't even be my happy go lucky self anymore because he has sucked what happiness I have out of me with his constant complaining and being unhappy.
The other day we couldn't even make a simple trip to get food because literally everything on the way bothered him......he ended up speeding out of the parking lot because this lady took to long to move her car.
Then he sped on the main street. I said "OMG PLEASE SLOW DOWN" and he responded "Be quiet Nicole"
I never know what kind of mood he is going to be in. I try to continue to be happy and go out of my way to try to make him happy but he is just always unsatisfied.
I would like to watch movies together or go do things together but he never wants to. If I try to make plans or suggestions he doesn't seem interested, but he always wants to do things he likes.
He makes it seem like I'm a chore or something, like being a boyfriend is just so miserable.
Today he came home from work just so angry. I feel like I never get a chance to be mad or angry because I'm always trying to be strong for him and his emotions.
Why is he like this?
Wrong question. The right one is "Why I am staying with him?" Or even better for your sanity, no questions and tell him "I'm sorry its not going to work for us."
Really, you gotta be nuts to stay in this relationship.
It's not just that he's unhappy and has a lot of suppressed rage. It's that he's not interested in doing things with you that you like to do: movies, or whatever you suggest. That indicates that he's either not that into you, or that he's self-absorbed. Either way, he's not willing or able to be a good partner.
Doesn't sound much like he's suppressing it. Sounds more like displaced rage.
-Snip-
Yes I truly believe he is just unhappy with where he is in life and takes it out on everyone else. I've given him a lot of advice and told him I'm am here by his side to help. Well if he doesn't want to take the help and isn't willing to change, there really is no point in sticking around. I can't imagine being like this for another 10 years.
Ok, I'm going to tell you what happened with my husband and I when he got like this. There will be a disclaimer at the end, but what the heck. At this age, I'm entitled to reminisce and share my vast experience. Now gather round, kids, and let me tell you about the day that my husband got his ass kicked from here to South Elgin, IL, and he met Jesus. Someone go get me a Jack and Coke. Thanks.
This was in the 2000's when the economy tanked - years ago. I had gotten laid off from my job. I had always been the primary breadwinner - he was self employed, and had his own construction company. When the economy collapsed, he still had his own construction company, he just didn't have any jobs to DO with it. I had some unemployment (and luckily had gotten some emergency extensions back then) and we DID struggle by while my son went through high school while I did some temping jobs that never panned out long term, and it was tough - evil tough. It was never enough tough. Are we going to get evicted tough. Rotten, evil, soul sucking, marriage killing tough. I wasn't working regularly for the first time in my life (more on that below), he had nothing to look forward to, and he spent most of his days in a total rage filled funk - blaming the whole world for every last one of his problems.
I tried being supportive - I listened. I offered advice. I did the work looking for jobs for him MYSELF - I drove him to jobs myself when he didn't want to - I did everything I promised to do and then some when I said those vows - and everything anyone could have expected and then some more. And still the anger - the lashing out - the screaming, yelling and tantrum throwing. And then, to put the icing on the cake, his drinking REALLY ramped up. At one point he was drinking close to a case of beer a day.
Keep in mind that I was depressed myself over MY unemployment, how I was going to figure out how to pay the bills, cook, clean, try to FIND a temp job, work that job when I did, take my husband's emotional temperature daily and triage the fallout, and raise my son in some type of environment that didn't resemble something out of a Quentin Tarantino film thanks to the husband and his rages.
One day, my son's girlfriend broke up with him. My son and I have always been VERY close (another thing that my husband would complain about) and he wanted to talk to me about it, but the night he did, he sat by me on the couch and told me not to worry about it - that I had enough to deal with. He was trying to take care of me, while I tried to take care of EVERYTHING. That still makes me cry.
Anyway, that did it. The switch was flipped. The next morning, after my son left for school, I hauled my husband's ass out of bed, and while I threw his clothes into garbage bags we had a HUGE Come to Jesus Meeting. The upshot was that I was sick and tired of his being a miserable excuse for a husband, a miserable excuse for a father, a miserable excuse for a friend, and a miserable excuse for a human being. I told him I was sick and tired of his feeling sorry for himself and how "put upon" he was - that I wasn't going to listen to one more word, listen to one more raised voice from him, and that as of now, he was out. For good. I have him 48 hours to figure out where he was going to go (I figured his sister's in South Elgin). And if he even THOUGHT about throwing ANYTHING or screaming and yelling that I had NO PROBLEM calling the police and he'd have the roof over his nasty head and the food in his ungrateful stomach courtesy of the Police Department. Which would have NOT gone over well with his probation officer so that kind of helped, I think. ANYWAY, my son stayed at a friends house for two days, I didn't speak to him at ALL for those 48 hours (except to say "PACK, A*****, I'M DONE - I'M NOT KIDDING."
Things did change - it wasn't overnight - but it was a lot better even on that last night before he was supposed to be out - I finally talked to him (that was probably scaring him the most) and he got it. The apologies and all that stuff don't really have a lot to add to the story, suffice it to say things are way better now! He does still have his moments and his little snits - but when he does, I tend to remind him that "while I was told that the world revolved around SOMEBODY, they hadn't told me it revolved around YOU" and that usually gets him grounded again.
Now the disclaimer parts:
My husband did NOT have any type of chemical imbalance that caused these mood swings/rages/nasty behaviors - my husband was just being a class A world renowned JERK. Your BF may have something clinically wrong that a Dr. would be required to treat to change these behaviors - I don't know. Maybe counseling would help him -I don't know that either. I also don't know how much you're able to put up with - and not everyone would let things have gotten as far as I did - I blame myself for that. He was so miserable with his "lot in life" and I spent too much time on tea and sympathy and didn't get the can of whoop-a** out early enough.
My husband is not your BF nor is he like any one else in the world - how my husband does stuff is nowhere near like how most normal people are anyway - neither am I I suppose and just because my husband responded in a certain way doesn't mean your boyfriend would do the same thing.
Anyway, good luck -I hope you can find some peace somehow - living like that is awful. Trust me. I know.
The difference between you and the OP, though, @Missy2U, is that she's not married to her (apparently) depressed jerk. She can walk. You couldn't do that as easily. And he can walk, too, if she throws his clothes in a bag and tells him to vacate. They're probably sharing the rent, anyway. But he wouldn't have to respond, he could just walk, if she put her foot down.
But it's a good point, about the fine line between being supportive and being an enabler, and what can happen when you refuse to do that anymore.
The difference between you and the OP, though, @Missy2U, is that she's not married to her (apparently) depressed jerk. She can walk. You couldn't do that as easily. And he can walk, too, if she throws his clothes in a bag and tells him to vacate. They're probably sharing the rent, anyway. But he wouldn't have to respond, he could just walk, if she put her foot down.
But it's a good point, about the fine line between being supportive and being an enabler, and what can happen when you refuse to do that anymore.
You make an EXCELLENT point, Ruth4Truth! Had I been single, I would like to think I would have run screaming into the night a lot sooner.
You do realize that you do not have to date this person. The government will not come after you, your horoscope will remain unchanged, and the world will continue to spin.
You have a whiny BF because this is who you chose.
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You do realize that you do not have to date this person. The government will not come after you, your horoscope will remain unchanged, and the world will continue to spin.
You have a whiny BF because this is who you chose.
True... he's sounds like a high strung complainer type of guy. Just might not be a match, especially the part where he acts like he's putting in San Quentin time doing things she wants to do.
Ok, I'm going to tell you what happened with my husband and I when he got like this. There will be a disclaimer at the end, but what the heck. At this age, I'm entitled to reminisce and share my vast experience. Now gather round, kids, and let me tell you about the day that my husband got his ass kicked from here to South Elgin, IL, and he met Jesus. Someone go get me a Jack and Coke. Thanks.
This was in the 2000's when the economy tanked - years ago. I had gotten laid off from my job. I had always been the primary breadwinner - he was self employed, and had his own construction company. When the economy collapsed, he still had his own construction company, he just didn't have any jobs to DO with it. I had some unemployment (and luckily had gotten some emergency extensions back then) and we DID struggle by while my son went through high school while I did some temping jobs that never panned out long term, and it was tough - evil tough. It was never enough tough. Are we going to get evicted tough. Rotten, evil, soul sucking, marriage killing tough. I wasn't working regularly for the first time in my life (more on that below), he had nothing to look forward to, and he spent most of his days in a total rage filled funk - blaming the whole world for every last one of his problems.
I tried being supportive - I listened. I offered advice. I did the work looking for jobs for him MYSELF - I drove him to jobs myself when he didn't want to - I did everything I promised to do and then some when I said those vows - and everything anyone could have expected and then some more. And still the anger - the lashing out - the screaming, yelling and tantrum throwing. And then, to put the icing on the cake, his drinking REALLY ramped up. At one point he was drinking close to a case of beer a day.
Keep in mind that I was depressed myself over MY unemployment, how I was going to figure out how to pay the bills, cook, clean, try to FIND a temp job, work that job when I did, take my husband's emotional temperature daily and triage the fallout, and raise my son in some type of environment that didn't resemble something out of a Quentin Tarantino film thanks to the husband and his rages.
One day, my son's girlfriend broke up with him. My son and I have always been VERY close (another thing that my husband would complain about) and he wanted to talk to me about it, but the night he did, he sat by me on the couch and told me not to worry about it - that I had enough to deal with. He was trying to take care of me, while I tried to take care of EVERYTHING. That still makes me cry.
Anyway, that did it. The switch was flipped. The next morning, after my son left for school, I hauled my husband's ass out of bed, and while I threw his clothes into garbage bags we had a HUGE Come to Jesus Meeting. The upshot was that I was sick and tired of his being a miserable excuse for a husband, a miserable excuse for a father, a miserable excuse for a friend, and a miserable excuse for a human being. I told him I was sick and tired of his feeling sorry for himself and how "put upon" he was - that I wasn't going to listen to one more word, listen to one more raised voice from him, and that as of now, he was out. For good. I have him 48 hours to figure out where he was going to go (I figured his sister's in South Elgin). And if he even THOUGHT about throwing ANYTHING or screaming and yelling that I had NO PROBLEM calling the police and he'd have the roof over his nasty head and the food in his ungrateful stomach courtesy of the Police Department. Which would have NOT gone over well with his probation officer so that kind of helped, I think. ANYWAY, my son stayed at a friends house for two days, I didn't speak to him at ALL for those 48 hours (except to say "PACK, A*****, I'M DONE - I'M NOT KIDDING."
Things did change - it wasn't overnight - but it was a lot better even on that last night before he was supposed to be out - I finally talked to him (that was probably scaring him the most) and he got it. The apologies and all that stuff don't really have a lot to add to the story, suffice it to say things are way better now! He does still have his moments and his little snits - but when he does, I tend to remind him that "while I was told that the world revolved around SOMEBODY, they hadn't told me it revolved around YOU" and that usually gets him grounded again.
Now the disclaimer parts:
My husband did NOT have any type of chemical imbalance that caused these mood swings/rages/nasty behaviors - my husband was just being a class A world renowned JERK. Your BF may have something clinically wrong that a Dr. would be required to treat to change these behaviors - I don't know. Maybe counseling would help him -I don't know that either. I also don't know how much you're able to put up with - and not everyone would let things have gotten as far as I did - I blame myself for that. He was so miserable with his "lot in life" and I spent too much time on tea and sympathy and didn't get the can of whoop-a** out early enough.
My husband is not your BF nor is he like any one else in the world - how my husband does stuff is nowhere near like how most normal people are anyway - neither am I I suppose and just because my husband responded in a certain way doesn't mean your boyfriend would do the same thing.
Anyway, good luck -I hope you can find some peace somehow - living like that is awful. Trust me. I know.
Now, time for another Jack & Coke.
Ty for your story. I'm glad to see that you were able to work it out. It makes me realize that couples go through rough times and sometimes that is due to the struggles they may be personally dealing with at the time. Its nice to see that you finally gave him a piece of your mind, sometimes we have to do that....I guess it all depends on how they respond.
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