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Old 08-14-2016, 02:32 PM
 
Location: CA
1,253 posts, read 2,932,517 times
Reputation: 1362

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Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ View Post
I think guys put up with A LOT from their friends but if this guy isn't even saying anything to them - to cut it out - then I might worry a bit. I mean everyone has "that one friend" or two but you will generally call him/her out on it and not be happy about it, and if it continued you'd probably eventually distance yourself from this person.

But really I'd be worried about the dangerous comment. That outright involves the boyfriend. This is not only the boyfriend putting up with (or ignoring) the behavior. He's taking part in it!

I don't know, the whole thing seems a little "off" to me...I don't know if "worry" is actually the right word, but it might make me see the boyfriend differently - as someone pretty immature and probably not "permanence" material.
Yes later on he was like "I don't mean bad things by "dangerous"". But still, none of it sat well with me.
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Old 08-14-2016, 02:34 PM
 
Location: 🇬🇧 In jolly old London! 🇬🇧
15,675 posts, read 11,466,053 times
Reputation: 12547
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Pip View Post
My fellow Londoner, you're right. He does treat me good, he's very thoughtful and really wants to make this work. He does want me to meet his friends and family.
Oh my in that case.... " Ello darlin'!!! Where you been all my life!? " ... LMAO

Just put it this way you obviously know London and will get this..... I grew up on a council estate, scaffolder and in paddington so the pubs/clubs scene in all of central London is my playground.... So I'm sure you can imagine the blokes/characters/lads I mingle with? ....... But I'm not like that at all and especially when exclusive with a lady

The fact he's willing to take you out and meet both his friends and family is proof enough of how serious he is about you IMO

Honestly my love I really wouldn't worry about this until he gives you reason to
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Old 08-14-2016, 02:35 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,077 posts, read 107,068,415 times
Reputation: 115874
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ View Post
I think guys put up with A LOT from their friends but if this guy isn't even saying anything to them - to cut it out - then I might worry a bit. I mean everyone has "that one friend" or two but you will generally call him/her out on it and not be happy about it, and if it continued you'd probably eventually distance yourself from this person.

But really I'd be worried about the dangerous comment. That outright involves the boyfriend. This is not only the boyfriend putting up with (or ignoring) the behavior. He's taking part in it!

I don't know, the whole thing seems a little "off" to me...I don't know if "worry" is actually the right word, but it might make me see the boyfriend differently - as someone pretty immature and probably not "permanence" material.
This is very well said. Little red flags are starting to pop up, or orange flags. That "dangerous" comment caught my attention, too. It means he's in the thick of it, and is implying that he's at risk of getting caught up in the same type of cheating behavior as his friends indulge in.

You could back off, or you could make a mental note of these flags, and proceed cautiously. It's up to you, OP.
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Old 08-14-2016, 02:39 PM
 
Location: CA
1,253 posts, read 2,932,517 times
Reputation: 1362
Quote:
Originally Posted by Londoncowboy30 View Post
Oh my in that case.... " Ello darlin'!!! Where you been all my life!? " ... LMAO

Just put it this way you obviously know London and will get this..... I grew up on a council estate, scaffolder and in paddington so the pubs/clubs scene in all of central London is my playground.... So I'm sure you can imagine the blokes/characters/lads I mingle with? ....... But I'm not like that at all and especially when exclusive with a lady

The fact he's willing to take you out and meet both his friends and family is proof enough of how serious he is about you IMO

Honestly my love I really wouldn't worry about this until he gives you reason to
Haha fanx for that. You're right. I'll try and chill out on this and see how it goes
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Old 08-14-2016, 02:41 PM
 
Location: CA
1,253 posts, read 2,932,517 times
Reputation: 1362
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
This is very well said. Little red flags are starting to pop up, or orange flags. That "dangerous" comment caught my attention, too. It means he's in the thick of it, and is implying that he's at risk of getting caught up in the same type of cheating behavior as his friends indulge in.

You could back off, or you could make a mental note of these flags, and proceed cautiously. It's up to you, OP.
Yes caution is good. I may just bring it to his attention but then I wonder if it will start to make him feel paranoid like he has to start keeping quiet about certain stuff around me.
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Old 08-14-2016, 02:47 PM
 
Location: 🇬🇧 In jolly old London! 🇬🇧
15,675 posts, read 11,466,053 times
Reputation: 12547
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Pip View Post
Haha fanx for that. You're right. I'll try and chill out on this and see how it goes
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Old 08-14-2016, 09:02 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,593 posts, read 37,344,060 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Pip View Post
Yes caution is good. I may just bring it to his attention but then I wonder if it will start to make him feel paranoid like he has to start keeping quiet about certain stuff around me.
His friends/acquaintances are only one of what should be several markers to consider and pay attention to. However, danger should be a game-stopper as should secretiveness.
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Old 08-14-2016, 09:08 PM
 
Location: Pa
42,763 posts, read 52,713,558 times
Reputation: 25361
Quote:
Originally Posted by Londoncowboy30 View Post
How does he treat YOU?..... That's the important thing.

Just that his friends are cheaters doesn't mean he is.... I've got a few that have cheated on their spouses and yes it's not nice but end of the day it's none of my business and the way they treat me as a friend is the reason I am in a friendship with them. ......... And no I'm not a cheater

IMO you would be wrong to tar him with the same brush until he gave you a genuine reason to himself.

Believe me I can understand your feeling and concern on this I really can and if it were me I'd go out of my way to prove that you had nothing to worry about ... Say by inviting you out with us for example . Its all about trust at the end of the day.... If no trust then it's no relationship
I agree I have one friend cheating on her husband.I yell at her all the time for it. Doesn't mean I cheat.
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Old 08-14-2016, 09:16 PM
 
14,376 posts, read 18,284,734 times
Reputation: 43047
I've thought about this question a lot lately, and I think it's a gray area. For example, one of my buddies has multiple felonies and is currently in prison for a brief stint. But his crimes are nonviolent and he IS a very good person in so many ways. He is incredibly kind-hearted, and he is one of the people I know I can rely on in an emergency. He will drop everything to help a friend, with no expectation of being repaid. He is not the kind of person to hem and haw because they don't want to help - he will literally just clear his schedule to make sure you are taken care of. He also is a very attentive and loving boyfriend to one of my very good friends. I've met a lot of people with entirely clean records who I wouldn't trust to pour a glass of water on me if I was on fire because it would require a few steps out of their way.

I have to say though that the ethics of my very closest friends are basically unimpeachable. My core circle of friends are just incredibly good people. And I think that is where they gray area dissipates a little. When the people who are closest to someone are just not good people, then you really should take a look at that person very carefully. I mean, my father's kind of a terrible person, but his friends practically from birth are very good people. When he was cheating on my mother, he kept it a secret from her and from them as well. They didn't disown him, but they were vocal in their disapproval and their support for my mother.

The whole idea that things get "dangerous" when he's out with this one friend is a big question mark to me. WTF does that even mean? Do they drive drunk? Do they hit on women? Do they get blackout drunk? My inner circle has some hard-drinking people in it, but I don't think we're "dangerous" when we have a night out. We have extensive and passionate conversations, get pretty wasted and generally have the designated driver take us home.

This guy sounds kinda sketchy to me. And I have a high tolerance for sketchy.
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Old 08-14-2016, 10:05 PM
 
Location: 415->916->602
3,145 posts, read 2,637,978 times
Reputation: 3872
I went to church today and our pastor mentioned that the company you keep is a reflection on what you are. But I have a wide range of friends ranging from "bad" to "very nerdy". I don't hang out with my "bad friends" as much anymore since I quit doing drugs and drinking, but I don't get rid of people simply because they make bad choices, as long as they don't do anything to me.
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