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But his "people" is just code for "women." And folks in this thread have expressed what it means to them, and both men and women in this forum, or just about everywhere, have preferences and deal-breakers. Like dudes saying they won't seriously date women with a "high number," or saying they have a "preference" for Asian women for really misogynistic and sexist reasons. But it's their "preference."
A woman having a preference for taller men means she's awful and picky and is the root of all evil. My husband preferred to date other omnivores. Dating a vegetarian wasn't a deal-breaker, but not a first choice.
I really don't care unless folks reveal their preferences are just code to justify discrimination, or generalizations are made about the group being discriminated against.
To be balanced, you referenced a dynamic where some men are sorted out of some (many) women's pool of potential partners, which would be kind of a depressing challenge, and when that's discussed those men are often cast as overcompensating, not masculine, and a poor accessory for a night out in heals. Not by everyone in the discussion or even most people in the discussion, but enough that it adds insult to injury.
Otherwise I think you're probably on target, including with regard to what I responded to. My point was to add some context that might explain some of the behavior in those threads. And I'm sorted "in", so my take is somewhat objective.
What are some things that cannot be mentioned on this forum due to TOS?
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What are these "socially engineered" preferences that you speak of? And of course, this is directed toward "women." How unoriginal.
Yes, because women are way worse with this than men.
Men tend to not like fat women or uber feminists. They admit this freely (and sometimes even openly announce it).
Women dislike certain races and justify this discrimination with "preferences".
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Are you sure your own bitterness toward women isn't clouding your perception? Perhaps you're not so self-aware as you seem to imply?
Nope. One can certainly be self-aware and bitter at the same time. In fact, I'd say that the more cynical people that I've met tend to also have the most realistic perceptions of the world around them.
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Originally Posted by Metaphysique
Are we reading the same thing? No he doesn't. Lol His own bitterness is showing.
See this is an issue too (albeit off-topic). You're an attractive woman that primarily participated in OLD, which for women is basically just turning down men and shopping through a catalog. Dating has been extremely easy for you and you've said that yourself multiple times.
Now I know this is difficult, but try to look at it from a man's perspective, especially men with universally unattractive traits.
I think you would be extremely bitter as an unattractive man. You, my friend, are not particularly empathetic and seem to believe that everyone has had it as easy as you have.
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Originally Posted by Metaphysique
But his "people" is just code for "women." And folks in this thread have expressed what it means to them, and both men and women in this forum, or just about everywhere, have preferences and deal-breakers. Like dudes saying they won't seriously date women with a "high number," or saying they have a "preference" for Asian women for really misogynistic and sexist reasons. But it's their "preference."
A woman having a preference for taller men means she's awful and picky and is the root of all evil. My husband preferred to date other omnivores. Dating a vegetarian wasn't a deal-breaker, but not a first choice.
I really don't care unless folks reveal their preferences are just code to justify discrimination, or generalizations are made about the group being discriminated against.
See you are wrong here because female "preferences" tend to all be the same. A small amount of men may prefer Asian women, but many don't. And even ones that do (myself included) often date outside of that preference.
Women, however, pretty much ALL prefer a tall man. And this "preference" is actually not a preference at all. It is a requirement for many.
I don't know you. Maybe your "preferences" are actually preferences, but, for most women, they are requirements. Men are more flexible or, at the very least, they just say that they don't like something, as opposed to basically lying about it.
What are some things that cannot be mentioned on this forum due to TOS?
Here's what I was responding to, what you stated:
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I also think that "preferences" is a cop-out term. Basically, they really are not preferences. Many of these traits that I've heard attributed to preferences are ones that everybody has.
What are these preferences that everybody has? Is "everybody" women, or does it also include men? What are these traits?
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Yes, because women are way worse with this than men.
Based on your experience and observations?
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Men tend to not like fat women or uber feminists. They admit this freely (and sometimes even openly announce it).
Is that all? Lol There are plenty of other preferences that many men have.
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Women dislike certain races and justify this discrimination with "preferences".
And many men don't? Is that why you see a lot of white/non-Black dudes reaching out to Black women, or why Black women are the least desirable demongraphic and have the most challenge with dating. Based on statistics, of course. My sister has totally never been told "I don't normally date Black girls. You're different." Totally not discrimination.
See how I qualify my statement? You should try it.
Nope. One can certainly be self-aware and bitter at the same time. In fact, I'd say that the more cynical people that I've met tend to also have the most realistic perceptions of the world around them.
You don't actually come off self-aware, though. I don't think introspection would, or should, result in the generalizations you make. Because shouldn't one's own introspection involve examining their own implicit biases and attitudes?
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See this is an issue too (albeit off-topic). You're an attractive woman that primarily participated in OLD, which for women is basically just turning down men and shopping through a catalog. Dating has been extremely easy for you and you've said that yourself multiple times.
Time to prepare for mansplaining...
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Now I know this is difficult, but try to look at it from a man's perspective, especially men with universally unattractive traits.
But see, it isn't hard for me to understand others' experiences and struggles. It really isn't. My responses are not about anyone's or your struggles, or even discrediting them, it's about yoursweeping generalizations. I know how to listen to what other people share about their own experiences. I can also try to empathize. I'm not my sister. I've never been told "You're pretty for a Black girl." I've not struggled with dating like others have, men and women, like some friends; however, I can recognize those experiences are a reality for many and empathize.
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I think you would be extremely bitter as an unattractive man. You, my friend, are not particularly empathetic and seem to believe that everyone has had it as easy as you have.
Strawman. I'm not challenging your experiences. I'm challenging your generalizations. You see challenge as lack of empathy. You expect empathy, but then try to paint "women," as a whole, as the root of your awful experiences. Women. Not some women. But women.
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See you are wrong here because female "preferences" tend to all be the same.
No they're not. There you go again with generalizations. I preferred to date gamers and sci-fi and fantasy geeks. How is that a "female" preference? The only other females who prefer these traits and characteristics are females who are, well, like me in some respects. Women, just like men, do not have the same desires and preferences.
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A small amount of men may prefer Asian women, but many don't. And even ones that do (myself included) often date outside of that preference.
And there are plenty of women who date men of all or many ethnicities.
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Women, however, pretty much ALL prefer a tall man.
So? That's their preference. I have several friends who are married to shorter men, or men right around their height. Women who prefer tall men are free to have that preference, or deal-breaker. Just as dudes are free to prefer women with the right curves, large chest, etc. Some women can prefer men who are well-endowed, circumcised, etc.
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And this "preference" is actually not a preference at all. It is a requirement for many.
And?
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I don't know you. Maybe your "preferences" are actually preferences, but, for most women, they are requirements. Men are more flexible or, at the very least, they just say that they don't like something, as opposed to basically lying about it.
And there are many men who have preferences and deal-breakers. What is the nature of niche dating sites? They are based on serving a specific demographic that filters out others who fall outside this demographic. I see nothing wrong with preferences or deal-breakers. I have them. Everyone has them to varying degrees. Your focus is on a trait you possess that some others do not prefer or want in a partner. I can understand being upset by this, but I don't get the unchecked angst that contributes to your sweeping generalizations.
A lot of people prefer nice smiles. I like nice teeth and smiles. My first husband was/is very self-conscious about the gaps in his teeth. I married him and had kids with him. There are many women who do not possess the preferences you insist apply to all or even most women.
No single moms: I don't want kids, what makes you think I want yours? And no I won't help you raise them.
No feminists: Many just hate men and I want nothing to do with women who just hate on men.
How do you feel when someone states a "preference" for a trait you don't possess?
I feel that it's time to look at another profile, or meet someone else. If we're not a match, there's nothing more to be said. The preference doesn't have to be reasonable, and can even be discriminatory in some way - so, just move on.
I have another preference: I am a returning college student and I don't date college girls. Why? They can be snooty and very nasty towards men who approach them. I have even turned down a few since going back to school. I'll stick with older women who are nicer.
I feel that it's time to look at another profile, or meet someone else. If we're not a match, there's nothing more to be said. The preference doesn't have to be reasonable, and can even be discriminatory in some way - so, just move on.
This is the only practical thing to do. I will note that like most people who answered the "how do you feel?" portion of the original post, you've addressed what you'd do, rather than how you'd feel. Your prerogative, but I wonder if this is another instance of language being ineffective (mine) or people choosing to answer a slightly different question.
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Originally Posted by swgirl926
I don't see a preference as a deal-breaker. I am willing to look outside my criteria under certain circumstances.
If someone's preference doesn't include me, I don't really care. I don't like everyone, so I don't expect everyone to like me.
Again, this is the wise thing to do and an attitude that would enhance a lot of people's happiness if adopted.
It's funny because I talk about this like anyone really has a choice. If the other person isn't interested, what are you gonna do anyway? I guess that's what I was getting at with my question about how people feel when they fall outside someone's preferences. Your options practically speaking are limited to your responses, which are essentially "next".
So practically you have no choice but to move on. What's practical can play out way differently for different people, though. This doesn't ultimately change things, but "next" can come along in a few hours, a few days, a few weeks, or a year or more. This can be because some people are just more attractive than others and will have more dating options, or perhaps due to location or perhaps unique preferences the person saying "next" has.
Regardless of whether they're experience tells them to check their in-box later that day or to go ahead with that months long home improvement project, some people respond from a position of strength. Again, regardless of what's actually likely to happen next, other people are like little kids squirming in their school desk and waiving the hand frantically while squealing "me, me, me".
I've never been the one raising his hand in desperation, but I sometimes struggle to keep my sh-t together even though I always believe I have some options, even at my age now if I became single. I sweat sometimes while in a relationship because stuff happens and who knows. I envy people who are confident because they frankly have a lot to confident about, but I especially focus on regular people like me who seem to go with the flow of things easily even though they don't have it easy. I get there, but it's a lot of wasted energy I could use elsewhere.
So I sympathize with people who really have few options. I have nothing to offer except perhaps studying others in the same boat who seem to row along happily, or at least not miserably. They know something I don't know.
What are these preferences that everybody has? Is "everybody" women, or does it also include men? What are these traits?
Based on your experience and observations?
Is that all? Lol There are plenty of other preferences that many men have.
And many men don't? Is that why you see a lot of white/non-Black dudes reaching out to Black women, or why Black women are the least desirable demongraphic and have the most challenge with dating. Based on statistics, of course. My sister has totally never been told "I don't normally date Black girls. You're different." Totally not discrimination.
See how I qualify my statement? You should try it.
You don't actually come off self-aware, though. I don't think introspection would, or should, result in the generalizations you make. Because shouldn't one's own introspection involve examining their own implicit biases and attitudes?
Time to prepare for mansplaining...
But see, it isn't hard for me to understand others' experiences and struggles. It really isn't. My responses are not about anyone's or your struggles, or even discrediting them, it's about yoursweeping generalizations. I know how to listen to what other people share about their own experiences. I can also try to empathize. I'm not my sister. I've never been told "You're pretty for a Black girl." I've not struggled with dating like others have, men and women, like some friends; however, I can recognize those experiences are a reality for many and empathize.
Strawman. I'm not challenging your experiences. I'm challenging your generalizations. You see challenge as lack of empathy. You expect empathy, but then try to paint "women," as a whole, as the root of your awful experiences. Women. Not some women. But women.
No they're not. There you go again with generalizations. I preferred to date gamers and sci-fi and fantasy geeks. How is that a "female" preference? The only other females who prefer these traits and characteristics are females who are, well, like me in some respects. Women, just like men, do not have the same desires and preferences.
And there are plenty of women who date men of all or many ethnicities.
So? That's their preference. I have several friends who are married to shorter men, or men right around their height. Women who prefer tall men are free to have that preference, or deal-breaker. Just as dudes are free to prefer women with the right curves, large chest, etc. Some women can prefer men who are well-endowed, circumcised, etc.
And?
And there are many men who have preferences and deal-breakers. What is the nature of niche dating sites? They are based on serving a specific demographic that filters out others who fall outside this demographic. I see nothing wrong with preferences or deal-breakers. I have them. Everyone has them to varying degrees. Your focus is on a trait you possess that some others do not prefer or want in a partner. I can understand being upset by this, but I don't get the unchecked angst that contributes to your sweeping generalizations.
A lot of people prefer nice smiles. I like nice teeth and smiles. My first husband was/is very self-conscious about the gaps in his teeth. I married him and had kids with him. There are many women who do not possess the preferences you insist apply to all or even most women.
Again, you see nothing wrong with preferences because you have universally attractive features. Not everybody can be so lucky.
The thing is most things that men value highly in women can be easily obtained by those women as long as they make good choices. The biggest dealbreakers for most men are weight (which can be controlled) and the presence of children (which, again, can be controlled by good choices).
Women's dealbreakers primarily consist of the genetics of the man, which cannot be controlled. The female selection process these days is basically a glorified eugenics movement, which is covered by the catch-all term of "preferences".
Again, you see nothing wrong with preferences because you have universally attractive features. Not everybody can be so lucky.
The thing is most things that men value highly in women can be easily obtained by those women as long as they make good choices. The biggest dealbreakers for most men are weight (which can be controlled) and the presence of children (which, again, can be controlled by good choices).
Women's dealbreakers primarily consist of the genetics of the man, which cannot be controlled. The female selection process these days is basically a glorified eugenics movement, which is covered by the catch-all term of "preferences".
you couldnt be anymore right.
i'd rep you a lot more if i could....but can only do it once lol
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