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Old 08-18-2016, 01:57 PM
 
477 posts, read 313,897 times
Reputation: 879

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
This also.

I'm surprised at the women who are so quick to think it is fine for one partner to ignore the needs of the other. I wonder how that works out in their relationships.
I see what you're saying but I don't agree with your point entirely. What if he was into [Mod cut.], and she doesn't want to receive him in that way? Is she ignoring his needs? I don't think so. What if he wants her to [Mod cut.] and she doesn't want to? Is she being selfish? I don't think so. Yes couples should communicate and be considerate of each other, but everybody may not always be 100% compatible on everything (even sexually), it's just impossible no matter how much counseling they have.


Op, ultimately you simply have to decide what you can accept and what you can't. What can be compromised on and what can't. Take all advice here, including my own, with a grain of salt because it's your relationship not ours. YOU should be the biggest influence over what you ultimately decide to do and not CD relationships. Good luck.

Last edited by PJSaturn; 08-18-2016 at 10:43 PM.. Reason: Not PG-13.
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Old 08-18-2016, 01:58 PM
 
Location: NYC
1,869 posts, read 1,332,840 times
Reputation: 594
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just A Guy View Post
No, but you can counsel someone on how to communicate about needs and potential other ways to meet those needs.

No woman should put up with a guy who refuses to even talk about fixing things.
It is what it is, one cannot "counsel" somebody into liking [Mod cut.]!
This will complicate things even more and may cause ED for him!

Last edited by PJSaturn; 08-18-2016 at 10:45 PM.. Reason: Not PG-13.
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Old 08-18-2016, 01:59 PM
 
477 posts, read 313,897 times
Reputation: 879
Quote:
Originally Posted by mishigas73 View Post
It's fine for someone to have needs. It is equally fine for someone not to want to oblige them.

There are certain things that I will NOT do sexually. One, in particular, is something fairly common. My partner knew this at the outset. If down the line, he comes to me and declares that this is a "need" of his and gets his man panties in a bunch because I should be obliging his "needs", I'd tell him were he and his "needs" could go. (Especially if he comes to me with some BS thing about how "all men need this to be sexually fulfilled" and I'm not a "good lover" if I don't do it.)

Do I do certain things that I don't particularly enjoy because he likes them? Sure I do. But, no, I won't go certain places, and the "argument" that I should because others do it is laughable to me.

This guy doesn't like [Snip.]. Sure, he could probably oblige her at times by doing it, but if this truly is a sexual "need" for her, I'd wager that it's not going to be enough.

And, really, not performing oral on him because he won't do it for her? That's definitely a sign of a healthy relationship.


I agree with this ^

Last edited by PJSaturn; 08-18-2016 at 10:46 PM..
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Old 08-18-2016, 02:01 PM
 
Location: U.S.A.
19,638 posts, read 20,130,445 times
Reputation: 28747
Quote:
Originally Posted by mishigas73 View Post
It's fine for someone to have needs. It is equally fine for someone not to want to oblige them.

There are certain things that I will NOT do sexually. One, in particular, is something fairly common. My partner knew this at the outset. If down the line, he comes to me and declares that this is a "need" of his and gets his man panties in a bunch because I should be obliging his "needs", I'd tell him were he and his "needs" could go. (Especially if he comes to me with some BS thing about how "all men need this to be sexually fulfilled" and I'm not a "good lover" if I don't do it.)

Do I do certain things that I don't particularly enjoy because he likes them? Sure I do. But, no, I won't go certain places, and the "argument" that I should because others do it is laughable to me.

[Snip.] Sure, he could probably oblige her at times by doing it, but if this truly is a sexual "need" for her, I'd wager that it's not going to be enough.

And, really, not performing oral on him because he won't do it for her? That's definitely a sign of a healthy relationship.
Well now I'm just confused! You say there are some things you absolutely won't do, and yet there are still more other things (plural?!) you do for him that you don't enjoy? What does that even mean?? ! What else is there? And do I need a pedicure for it?

Last edited by PJSaturn; 08-18-2016 at 10:47 PM..
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Old 08-18-2016, 02:05 PM
 
Location: Sputnik Planitia
7,826 posts, read 11,752,083 times
Reputation: 9045
I agree with others, sexual expression is a personality trait and your personalities are way different in that regard. It's unlikely to change for the better. What he does is not wrong, it's just not suitable for you...it may be suitable for someone else. However, if you consciously choose to continue make sure you do not expect him to change as it's unfair to change other people to suit you, you need to accept him as he is.
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Old 08-18-2016, 02:07 PM
 
6,304 posts, read 8,992,430 times
Reputation: 8149
Quote:
Originally Posted by D217 View Post
Well now I'm just confused! You say there is something you absolutely won't do, and yet there are still more other things (plural?!) you do for him you don't enjoy? What does that even mean?? ! What else is there? And do I need a pedicure for it?
Is it really that confusing?

There are certain things that I really like.
There are certain things that I feel ambivalent about.
There are certain things that I don't particularly enjoy, but will do because my partner enjoys them.
There are certain things that I absolutely will not do.

What the specific things are really is not important at all. The fact is that they are there, and I need to be with someone for which these things are compatible. Just like any other person on the face of the earth.
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Old 08-18-2016, 02:09 PM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
50,175 posts, read 63,623,198 times
Reputation: 92923
Quote:
Originally Posted by evilgurl80 View Post
I use to initiate things, always use to give him oral - he would never get so turned on though that he did anything to me about it. [Snip.] its honestly really hard for me to get aroused with him at all lately because I am so turned off. I know all of these sexual issues probably boil down to him being VERY sexually inexperienced but he is the kind of guy that would NEVER admit that. I am going to try and ask him about counseling, that could help.

I mean if he at least put in the effort it would make me feel better, sure yeah he may be crappy at it but just the effort would go a long way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
Okay, I am trying a different point of view.


He works 50+ hours per week. Then he comes home and there are kids all over and they aren't his. He is probably doing whatever he can to provide for you and the kids and then on top of it he gets the sex nagging and a gf who only [Snip.] when he asks for it and then only for a hot second only.


If my bf would work his butt off for me and my kids, I would [[Snip.] at least every second day, unasked, but that's just me.
I was thinking this too. OP needs to get her priorities lined up. Is the boyfriend the person she wants to love and be with forever, or not? It really sounds more like they are trying to live in the past and its not really working....as though she's trying to put a square peg in a round hole (pun intended).

If so, and they have different sexual needs, she should just get some toys and take care of her own downtown.

Last edited by PJSaturn; 08-18-2016 at 10:51 PM..
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Old 08-18-2016, 02:09 PM
 
10 posts, read 12,169 times
Reputation: 41
@ OH-EVE : I feel ya girlie and if I was sitting at home chilling while he was out working his butt off for the family I might be on board with [Mod cut.] more often but the truth is we both work, yes I only work 40 hrs a week, but we are both equally working/contributing to the family.

Last edited by PJSaturn; 08-18-2016 at 10:51 PM.. Reason: Not PG-13.
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Old 08-18-2016, 02:10 PM
 
Location: Northern Wisconsin
10,379 posts, read 10,877,650 times
Reputation: 18713
I've read 1/2 the thread and there is something I can't quite understand. He seems like he likes to make you happy in every area of life, except in bed. That just doesn't compute. Does he know you're really unhappy? If he doesn't, you need to tell him. Do you fake orgasms. Usually a guy like this will want to give his mate a happy ending. Are you saying he knows and doesn't care that you're not getting treated equally in bed. And the once a month thing sounds fishy? That's way below normal for a normal person. I hate to bring this up, but this guy could be gay. Its time for some real honest conversations.
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Old 08-18-2016, 02:11 PM
 
6,304 posts, read 8,992,430 times
Reputation: 8149
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
I thought sex was about reciprocity born of genuine caring. Oh well.
When people are actually compatible, sure it can be.
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