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Ugh. I know. It ruined a perfect FWB situation I had with someone 90 miles away. Loved meeting in the middle, going to fun places, not feeling suffocated. Last time though, he had a couple of drinks and suddenly accused: "You'd vote for 'pantsuit' and I know it! You're in a union, your work for the bleeding heart liberals, you're a woman." Wow. Big surprise, I hadn't discussed politics. I asked why he was so opinionated. He said because he was in the military and Hillary 'lined the pockets of Iran with American dollars!"Trump was the only choice, as far as he was concerned. (I decided not to mention that I've met Hillary along with my democratic state senators, -who would pass up a chance to chat with Al Franken?- and really like her)
I don't pay any attention to rhetoric, but the accusatory tone, and the way his whole demeanor towards me changed...made the situation painfully clear. No go.
The blessing and curse of drinking. Some people make arses of themselves and end up being brutally honest about something and using all the wrong words and phrases. I like to call those situations, you saved me from a couple bullets. I'm not big into politics and I'm one of those people who could actually care less, even though I know how important it is to many other people.
omg, I just met a great guy and had a fantastic first 3 dates. Then I discovered he's voting for a politician I despise.
It was like I'd been punched in the stomach. In 30 seconds I went from thinking this guy really had potential to wanting to jump out of the car. We were both a little weirded out, but we were having such a great day we decided to continue with our plans. (dinner, movie, sleepover) We still had a good time, but I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He thought that not talking about politics was sufficient. I know that this election has been unusually divisive and I don't particularly want to discuss the details, they upset me. But I think a person's political leanings say something about their character, and in this case, agreeing with, choosing to ignore, or failing to recognize hate speech is a pretty big problem for me.
So there really was not much to assess. I couldn't introduce him to my friends or family because I would be embarrassed. That's a pretty good litmus test right there.
For the most part, I view this red flag as MY problem, not his. I don't want to be in the business of changing someone. I don't want to be with someone who has contempt for my POV. I also place high value on intellectual curiosity, and to have the search for factual info dismissed as rhetoric is not something I can deal with.
This was a mistake I made with my husband. I thought we could agree to disagree on politics. He felt that couples should agree. It was damaging to our relationship.
This is a very bizarre reaction to something that ultimately doesn't matter.
You do realize that all politicians are corrupt, right? They are all out for themselves and don't care about you at all. The ones that seem okay are just lying.
Very stupid thing to dismiss a potential love interest over, but we are all entitled to our preferences, I suppose.
Determine if you're still new to each other. The early stages of a relationship are characterized by infatuation and spending more time with someone. Observe if you're still asking about the person's likes and dislikes, his hobbies and interests, and his beliefs. Notice if you are evaluating his personality characteristics and habits to see if they’re compatible with you.You’ll want to assess if you’re comfortable enough to continue being around him. For example, you may ask yourself: [LIST][*]Is this person caring and friendly?[*]Is this person controlling or mean?[*]Does this person have a tendency to be unhappy or irritable?[*]Is this person generally fun to be with? If you are not able to recognize her flaws, then you're still in the romantic infatuation stage.. Assess if you've committed to dating. If you're spending more time together, feeling more comfortable with her, and getting to know her beyond the basics, you're now in an exclusive dating relationship. At this stage, you'll be discovering who the person really is and observing your compatibility on a deeper level. Ask yourself if this person:[LIST][*]Understands how to comfort you and provide support.[*]Trusts you and is comfortable being honest with you.[*]Respects your family and friends.[*]Understands your sense of humor.[/LIST] [/LIST]
Ugh. I know. It ruined a perfect FWB situation I had with someone 90 miles away. Loved meeting in the middle, going to fun places, not feeling suffocated. Last time though, he had a couple of drinks and suddenly accused: "You'd vote for 'pantsuit' and I know it! You're in a union, your work for the bleeding heart liberals, you're a woman." Wow. Big surprise, I hadn't discussed politics. I asked why he was so opinionated. He said because he was in the military and Hillary 'lined the pockets of Iran with American dollars!"Trump was the only choice, as far as he was concerned. (I decided not to mention that I've met Hillary along with my democratic state senators, -who would pass up a chance to chat with Al Franken?- and really like her)
............
What a coincidence that we should be discussing this ....... for I just came across these situations tonight and the other night.
Tonight, somehow, we got on the subject of all the politics going on on Facebook, of how we wished it wasn't there because it makes FB unpleasant. So then I revealed two political things, one of them being how I may support or even bankroll, to a small extent, friends' desires for a political goal but I still won't vote for their candidate of those goals.
Talk about playing both sides of the fence in a nice way where I'll help people when I believe my side is wrong but I will still vote for my side.
The other thing that came up a few days ago was whether or not I drink and I answered basically not outside the house due to drinking & driving limitations. The point I didn't get into is that I don't want to wake up the next morning wondering if what I did last night was due to party energy or alcohol.
Okay, so here, we have two items where one was revealing an aspect of myself that might be seen as unfavorable (both sides of the fence) and the other of telling the truth but not the whole truth.
To the former, if they are things which you truly believe in, things that you would stand up and admit if they appeared on the front page of the paper tomorrow, then go ahead and say. They are going to find out sooner or later if the relationship continues.
To the latter, I'm unsure. I told the most serious, the most compelling truth. In the morals of telling the truth, one should tell the number one reason and not quibble. As far as this one goes, I would say tell the biggest reason first and if the relationship continues, there will probably be time.....or circumstance....for other reasons to become apparent.
But I think a person's political leanings say something about their character, and in this case, agreeing with, choosing to ignore, or failing to recognize hate speech is a pretty big problem for me.
For the most part, I view this red flag as MY problem, not his. I don't want to be in the business of changing someone. I don't want to be with someone who has contempt for my POV. I also place high value on intellectual curiosity, and to have the search for factual info dismissed as rhetoric is not something I can deal with.
I'm quoting myself to reiterate. My reservations about this guy had nothing to do with economic policy, foreign policy, who is more corrupt, or who can be effective in office. I did not grill him on his POV, nor try to change his mind. We discussed the actual politics very little.
What I can't accept is that someone could blindly repeat rhetoric and excuse hate speech.
What that tells me is that in a situation that IS important to us as a couple, he will stand his ground without considering fact and reason.
There were other reasons to reject him that I was choosing to ignore/gloss over because, after all, it was only a 4th date. I'm definitely not feeling a big loss here...he was ultimately going to be a friend with benefits at best.
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Spend a lot of time with the person is the only way and communication is the key. And part of being in relationship is compromise. I was dating a guy that I was hoping to be in a serious, long-term relationship with. He was great in a lot of ways. Part of his house was an utter disgusting mess filled with trash & junk everywhere. The fact he refused to do anything about it to make his bedroom & bathroom look presentable, it was clear to ne he was comfortable living in his own filth. He declined my suggestion of us cleaning it together. So, that was the deal breaker for me.
The good thing about OLD (specifically OKC) was the ability to screen/filter possible and likely deal-breakers, or assess baseline compatibility, before sending the first message. At least it served as a viable and highly effective tool for gauging compatibility.
It worked fabulously for me.
I've never used online dating. I made a joke here on CD a while back about, when filling out the compatibility forms, that they should include whether or not the applicant likes or dislikes spooning in bed. I was informed that it was actually a question that sites used. I was surprised and found that hilarious, yet a lot of people seem to be really adamant about the subject, so... lol
Might get some heat for this but I will say it anyways. Whenever I would meet a woman and we hang out, but before things go further I would ask her if she has children. If she does, I tell her we are not compatible and I move on. Children are my number one deal breaker.
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