Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,957,550 times
Reputation: 40635
Advertisements
Quote:
Originally Posted by onihC
[/b]
I could say the same but I am relaxed. I know for sure guess have been recommended free or cheap dates on past threads. I remember replying to those posters saying that sooner or later it will be necessary to spend money on something. If you have never seen those posts then there's not much I can do to convince you.
I've seen one person, Ruth4Truth, push those. She doesn't seem to understand people going for drinks either.
I, and I'm sorry, was talking about real life conversations. When you know, people actually talk about dating and relationships.
Quote:
Originally Posted by onihC
Nobody told you but told other posters around here. Maybe you chose to skip those posts but people do offer advice whether is applicable to yourself or not. I take some and others I just let go and move on.
Good god, this is the problem, are you getting your info from here? This place is just whack. I was talking about reality, not the MGTOW dudes, and those with spectrum disorder, the adult virgins and others that just hate sex that make up the majority of people here.
I think that the OP is to blame to a degree, he let it go on too long and he blew his wad too soon. He should have just done some of the cheaper things as was mentioned like happy hours and coffee meetups. You don't take some chick you hardly know on long expensive weekends. That was silly and it made him look like he's trying to be some kind of baller.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,957,550 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
This thread is strong with disagreement.
I think that the OP is to blame to a degree, he let it go on too long and he blew his wad too soon. He should have just done some of the cheaper things as was mentioned like happy hours and coffee meetups. You don't take some chick you hardly know on long expensive weekends. That was silly and it made him look like he's trying to be some kind of baller.
Living in the USA for more than a couple of years is different than "just going to college." Same here when I lived in Japan for a couple of years, not just "went for college." When you live in other country you do tend to see differences here and there. That's what makes cultures interesting and unique.
Except that you've been repeatedly told that your cultural impressions are at best misguided and at worst wrong, and yet you stick to your guns and repeat the same misconceptions over and over to people who have more experience dating in North America than you do. It's whatever the cultural equivalent of "mansplaining" is.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 10-07-2016 at 01:21 PM..
Yes, the ones you mentioned are expected from both genders. Taking initiative to ask out, court and romance, pay, propose, buy a ring, talk to the family, etc. are things that are expected from men. Sure there may be a woman out there that might consider the thought of maybe trying to do one of those once the relationship gets formal if it ever gets there but still, its something expected from men, not women. So I was curious to see what was ever expected from women specifically and I somehow expected your response like that.
I asked for female gender-specific dating expectations and you couldn’t do that. I replied to your points just fine and you couldn’t reply back. We’ll agree to disagree if anything.
I will say women spend more to look good for our dates, and go through much more trouble in that vein than men have to do. I am jealous they get to jump in the shower, throw clothes on, and go. My bf is coming over for the weekend, and yesterday I spent 3 hours and close to $300 getting my hair cut, colored and styled and getting 4 different body parts waxed (don't ask, it's one of the many surprises you get as you age), not to mention 25 minutes of that being the quite excruciating Brazilian wax. I think if most guys had a choice of going through that or buying a dinner, they'd choose the dinner!
I'm challenging all the guys here to leave the computer for a minute, find a tweezer, and pluck some hairs from your face and groin by the root, then come back and give us a report, lol.
So looking pretty is a woman’s role in the beginning. I see.
It's actually the receptiveness that should be the take-away...let him know he is succeeding and making me happy. Encouragement, so to speak.
Sounds nice from you.
It feels pretty good to be able to fix something at home that looked challenging (plumbing, electrical problem, computer, etc.). Maybe as good as a woman that cooks, cleans, and does her man’s laundry while he is watching TV or something I suppose.
That is if the relationship ever makes it that far. It’s nice from your part still.
So that’s how you like it? That’s fine. It seems that is how it mostly goes specially in western culture. Like you said: to each, their own. In my case, since the start, we both show those gestures you mentioned to each other not just to her. Doesn’t necessarily work in a programmed way, it comes out naturally and it does because we are both happy to be going out. We may go out for dinner and she picks the check. We go out for a walk after that and find a spot for dessert. I take care of that. When going out with friends people do these things happily because they appreciate being with their friends. It makes more sense for me to have those gestures with someone I accepted to go out with and vice versa. Instead of being passive and expectant. This is since the very first date and on, no waiting periods, no testing, etc. And when it comes to sex I just won’t do it until there is that intimacy and compromise not just for the heck of it. Same thing when it comes to living with someone. That, I never did until I got married. It worked fine with the women I dated. When I moved to the USA to study it was different. Not better, not worse, just different.
I want to add, I am not passive and waiting. In the beginning with my honey, I could see he was nervous and not really sure to what degree to escalate...he would kiss me than I could see he didn't know how far I wanted him to go...so after I knew he was in it for more than sex, I did the escalating, by taking his hand and leading him into my room after he kissed me in the kitchen one day...it is not some black/white issue, like everything else there are nuances and allowances for people to be themselves...but my that time, I had felt he had overcome a lot of fears just by pursuing me to the extent he had by then (he was/is pretty shy with women and felt/feels I am way out of his league) and just needed a boost to get over that hump. He is not a manly man type, in fact he cries more often at the end of movies than I do...but court me he did.
It actually meant more to me and made me more attracted to him knowing how scared he was to ask me out, yet did so anyway. My allowing him to do these things also makes him feel better about himself. As it is, I know he feels he has little to offer me, so to be able to provide things like a dinner or bunch of flowers makes him feel good....if I took my wallet out and offered to pay, I know how he would feel, he would feel like I thought he was too poor to pay for dinner and would feel worse about himself, not better that I helped pay my share.
You don’t have to put a Japanese accent. Just take initiative to approach a stranger you find attractive, introduce yourself, get him a drink if you are in that setting, as conversation goes on ask for his phone number and offer yours, then ask him out, pick him up, take him out to dinner, take care of expenses, court and romance him, send him random surprise gifts to his office, etc. If the relationship is in that place where you feel marriage is knocking the door don’t just sit there or try to send cute indirect messages. Maybe make a reservation in that special restaurant that brings memories to you two or prepare a romantic setting to bring this topic up and tell him how you want to spend the rest of your life with him and all that. Not that complicated. Be willing to follow all those dating rules that are expected only from men pretty much. It worked just fine with me and other non-Asian that have gone out with them or ended marrying one.
Oh! Well, no, thank you for the advice. I don't "have" to do those things either. I might choose to do them.
As for picking him up, taking care of expenses, random gifts sent, and taking the man out to dinner. I have done ALL of those and not infrequently, a fact you continue to ignore. (As is evident from you "advising" me here to do them...when I've already stated about a bazillion times that I do them. ) So has pretty much every woman I've ever known in my life, something you also like to ignore because it doesn't fit your paradigm that women get to sit there, stare blankly and get asked out, fed and taken care of.
I'll say it again: it's the women you're picking. The majority of women ARE NOT as you describe women - helpless, aimless, entirely non-aggressive, never taking care of a thing, just putting out and expecting gifts in return.
You're choosing high-maintenance women (in the U.S.) for whatever your reasons are...perhaps simply to reinforce beliefs you need to maintain so that you can feel you work harder, do more, etc. Perhaps that makes you feel needed. I don't know. Just guessing. But whatever your reasons, no matter how much you argue against this fact, it is A FACT that MOST women are not entirely helpless the way you describe them to be. We simply aren't, full-stop. The fact that the workforce in the U.S. is almost evenly divided between women and men should be evidence of that enough, but you don't want to hear it.
Keep your cherished beliefs, but don't try to force others to believe them despite the evidence of their own eyes, and their own experience. It doesn't work. It's like standing there pointing at the sky and yelling over and over again, "The sky is plaid. The sky is plaid. The sky is plaid." You can say it a billion times...but it will never be true.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,957,550 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl
I will say women spend more to look good for our dates, and go through much more trouble in that vein than men have to do. I am jealous they get to jump in the shower, throw clothes on, and go. My bf is coming over for the weekend, and yesterday I spent 3 hours and close to $300 getting my hair cut, colored and styled and getting 4 different body parts waxed (don't ask, it's one of the many surprises you get as you age), not to mention 25 minutes of that being the quite excruciating Brazilian wax. I think if most guys had a choice of going through that or buying a dinner, they'd choose the dinner!
I'm challenging all the guys here to leave the computer for a minute, find a tweezer, and pluck some hairs from your face and groin by the root, then come back and give us a report, lol.
Women don't have to do those things. Both genders just need showering and basic grooming.
Attractive women don't need anything more than the basics, same as guys, to look good, and more often than not all the other stuff is subtraction by addition. The hottest woman I know wears jeans, hiking boots, and second hand flannels, and she is pure smoke.
Sure there is a difference but when you are a lover or even a formal relationship you would care about every area of your partner to at the very least ask if its ok. Like I shared before with one of the girls I dated in Japan who was above my economic status back then, whenever she mentioned an activity that was too fancy or expensive I wouldn’t just sit there. I would AT LEAST suggest another place letting her know that I couldn’t afford a place “That place sounds nice. How about this other place?”. She will either accept my suggestion or just straight out tell me she wanted to treat. No surprises later.
You keep bringing up these wistful memories of the past in Japan. What if the reason you were treated so well there wasn't because they were Japanese...what if it was because you were younger, probably more attractive, less jaded and so on, so the women were more eager to go out of their way to make sure you would go out with them? Have you ever considered it from this angle? It's a possibility.
It may not be the geography at all and it may not be the women.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
), not to mention 25 minutes of that being the quite excruciating Brazilian wax. I think if most guys had a choice of going through that or buying a dinner, they'd choose the dinner!
.
