My girlfriend is very insecure, What can I do other than break up? (boyfriend, marriage)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Hi guys, My girlfriend is very insecure, which leads her to trying to control me. I am someone who stands their ground so we always end up fighting. We are both 21 years old and have been togethor for a while.
Quick background of why shes insecure: Her dad cheated on her mom multiple times, married someone else behind their back, verbally and physically abused them and my gf ended up in the hospital from it aswell. It was all when she was young. She doesnt speak to her father anymore.
I understand why shes insecure and she has a right to be considering a horrible childhood, but i feel like i shoudnt be held accountable for it. We both never cheated, dont flirt with other people, and dont have opposite-sex friends. You think the problems would stop there, right? Wrong. Shes always on my case for stupid things that I feel like are not a big deal at all. I told her we will never last like this, and that her behavior is unhealthy and if that she keeps it up we will grow to hate each other and end up divorced if were ever married.
Situation: I was at the gym with a group of friends, it was later at night, the gym was about to close so it was pretty empty. We decide to go swim, so we swam. Pool was empty, we had it to ourself. Then after we finished I told her that I was swimming, and since she asked, i told her there was a lady or two that walked by to go to the next pool. Thats when it started She doesnt want me to swimming around other "half naked woman" because i might "See" them and it makes her uncomfortable.
She claims she tried compromising with me, and saying I can only swim around, again, these "Half naked girls" only if shes there. But I feel like theres nothing to compromise, because I did nothing wrong. They wernt in our pool, I wasnt even paying attention to them, not like im interested in older ladys lmao.
Theres many more situations, But thats the most recent one and were still in that stage where were broken up, but willing to fix it. I'm just not willing to continue the relationship if these scenarios keep happening. Am I wrong or am i right for standing my ground?
I have been happily married to an insecure woman for many years. She needs a lot of attention and convincing, but slowly over the years with a little gentle prodding and steadfast loyalty, this has dropped down to a very manageable level. But to do this, the benefits from the relationship with her have always had to have been greater than the costs. She was a hard nut to crack, but i have never doubted that she is worth it. I have never been happier, even during the early low points.
If you're here asking, Id say youre about to the end... Life's too short to have to deal with silly "rules" of living your life.
If shes afraid you're gonna cheat on her, she should step up her game and become such a great partner that there's no way you would ever think once about cheating because shes so good to you. This goes for both sexes.
She needs to be made aware there are other women in the world, and sometimes they will be in your basic vicinity, but that doesn't = cheating.
If you are up for that challenge, more power to you. As a previously jealous girlfriend (several lifetimes ago, and with no where near the baggage yours is bringing with her), I'd say to tell this one to get some professional help. That would be a deal breaker for me.
I have been happily married to an insecure woman for many years. She needs a lot of attention and convincing, but slowly over the years with a little gentle prodding and steadfast loyalty, this has dropped down to a very manageable level. But to do this, the benefits from the relationship with her have always had to have been greater than the costs. She was a hard nut to crack, but i have never doubted that she is worth it. I have never been happier, even during the early low points.
I'm glad it worked out for you.
I, however, still over exaggerate her silly insecurities to show how dumb I feel they are.
For instance, when I showed her a picture of me in front of a cool bridge when on a business trip she asked who took the picture? Not about the bridge or scenery... Who took the picture?!?
So I said, "I don't know! Some blonde with big boobs. Why?"
OP, your gf has been through Hell. She needs help recovering and healing from that. She needs serious professional help. She has been traumatized. She can't get past this on her own.
The way she behaves with you is a symptom of the trauma. There are psychologists who specialize in trauma, and the most effective ones practice a technique called "EMDR". It can move the client past trauma in a limited number of sessions; it is NOT endless talk therapy. It's entirely possible your gf has some degree of PTSD. She should be evaluated. Present this idea as finding a safe and healing space for her, a place where she can feel supported and where a good therapist could create an environment of unconditional love that she never had.
Google around, see who in your area offers this type of treatment. Good luck.
Echoing what has been already said by Ruth and in addition to, Tell her that things cannot go on like they have been and for the sake of your marriage you feel the introduction of therapy is the only viable solution for the issues that are being faced.
Don't pander to her sensibilities to avoid conflict, Make it clear that you are exhausted and things need to change for there to be a future for the both of you worth being invested in.
Unfortunatly in these situations you have to make yourself ok with the possibility of losing your relationship to be able to handle them...the only other option is purposeful ignorance to avoid dealing with everything that comes along with introspection and inner workings.
You guys are going to have to redefine what you are before you can build yourselves back up, but first you have to both get yourselves to a place where this is even possible.
Right now you're both avoiding anything to do with it and acting on fears and emotions
Last edited by rego00123; 10-17-2016 at 04:44 PM..
A lot of people have troubled pasts and baggage. My ex husband cheated on me with a coworker he claimed was just a friend. Did I have issues with trust after that? You better believe it. When I met my boyfriend I had a really hard time relaxing in our relationship. I admit that I was very insecure. But I knew I had a problem and I tried not to punish him for someone else's mistakes. I spoke with a counselor for a few months and that really really helped. My boyfriend knows what happened to me and he knows I've worked hard to overcome my past baggage. Sometimes I have sensitive spots and I still need a little extra reassurance which he is happy to provide.
My point is you can be understanding of her issues to a point, but she has to help herself too. I could see being sensitive sometimes, but holy cow not being able to swim at the gym if there are other women around is really over the top and not at all reasonable behavior. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that. I think you should tell her that you think she needs help beyond what you're able to provide for her and gauge her reaction. If she is willing to get professional help and work on her issues, the maybe there is hope for you guys. If not then you have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life like this.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
