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I don't see why there's a problem. OP, his bro was a hero; he chased down a criminal. He didn't intend to kill him (we may assume...), just stop him until police arrived. Your bf rightfully views that as a heroic act. The death was an accident, and a jury agreed. I guess if you'd been on a jury for a similar case, you'd have sent the hero to jail for a decade or two. Good to know. Did you tell your bf how you felt about it? He deserves to know what kind of a person he's with, just like you do. Your standard seems to be "full disclosure", so you should live up to that yourself.
It also sounds like his relationship with his brother went downhill at some point after that. We don't know what that involves, and neither do you. There could be good reasons for it, but you're pre-judging him.
I think a marriage proposal after 9 months of dating is premature, especially in view of how you feel about the info you dug up and your bf's explanation of it. But if it's a long engagement, that will give you both time to get to know each other better. Which seems necessary, from what you've posted here; neither of you really knows the other on a deep enough level to get into marriage. The red flags are fluttering.
I thought it was more sad someone lost their life over a beer...
P.S.
It IS sad that some idiot risked jail or losing his life over a few beers. But that's not your bf's fault, nor his brother's fault. The perp didn't take into account that his actions have consequences. He foolishly thought he could get away with stealing, in plain view of staff and customers. He was wrong. Too bad he ended up losing his life over it, but he chose to take a risk, and it was a bad bet. I don't know why you're blaming the bf's brother. That makes no sense.
And your comments almost sound like you think the bf was involved in it, which is even stranger. You invited him to be a father figure to your child? But now, because of this revelation, you somehow feel that he doesn't fit the role? Because of something his brother did? (A heroic act, no less.)
Some self-examination on your part may be in order, OP.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 10-23-2016 at 02:25 PM..
Nine months dating is too soon to get engaged. It takes longer to really get to know each other, including their relationship with family, handling stress, jobs and finance, and much more.
Agree with this AND it's way too soon to ask someone to be a parent figure to your child.
BTW--From what you wrote here, it does sound like the brother acted in the defense of another person. I'm far from a person that condones violence (or even guns), and even I think the brother did something right.
My boyfriend of almost 9 months has asked me to marry him. It's going to be a long engagement, but I agreed. Last time I was online killing time before he had to leave for his job & I started googling him & his family, etc. Nothing weird until I googled his brother..
His brother was involved in a homicide 10+ years prior to now. His brother was at a store when he witnessed someone stealing some adult beverages, He chased the guy, got him into a head lock and the man died as a result. It was ruled a justifiable homicide.. but I can not CAN NOT get it out of my head. I don't understand why he didn't tell me! So I brought it up with him when he was getting ready for work and his answers completely shocked me. Him and His brother do not speak, I have never met the man but their relationship has ended. My boyfriend has said nothing but negative things about his brother up to this point. I stated wow, that's so crazy. And my boyfriend proceeded to tell me that it was one of his fondest memories of his brother, because his brother did the right thing. His brother helped stop a scumbag. I just guess I don't agree. I thought it was more sad someone lost their life over a beer...
I guess I am also shocked he never told me even after I have told him all of my past, invited him into my home and to be a father figure to my 6 year old.
Any advice or feedback?
I'm going to try and answer you without being snarky, because I can really go there pretty easily based on what you posted here.
I don't see what is so horrific about the whole thing. The brother stopped a crime, yeah it's a bit unfortunate that someone died, but come on... really? A guy does his best to help out in society and this is the feedback he gets??? The old saying about no good deed goes unpunished really applies here.
In terms of his bad relationship with his brother, so what? I mean really, so what? Is he supposed to disclose every single thought about each of his family members. Plenty of family members have issues and don't speak to one another. Not that much of thing. He probably didn't mention it because he just doesn't' care about it enough to bother talking about it.
So he thinks his brother is a scumbag, yet takes pride in him killing someone over a beer.. ? Uh, yeah that would concern me too.. If murder is his only redeeming quality, then good lord.....
Shoplifting is a misdemeanor. The man's brother is no "hero".
Long engagements are great for finding out all kinds of things in case you wanna change your mind later! Lol.
You don't have to know every thought in your partner's head of course, but IMO you should know the other person and their past pretty well before you get married. I think what happened with his brother would have been something he told you about and that that you would know the reason he and his brother no longer speak. If my boyfriend was estranged from any of his family members I would want to know why. Sounds like 9 months is just too soon for you two to be getting engaged. Get to know each other better.
Let's see...my sister tried to burn my mom's house down one time...but she's developmentally disabled. Do I have to tell all my suitors about that? Does it make a difference that she's adopted so at least there's no genetics involved? Or that I don't want kids anyway?
Let's see...my sister tried to burn my mom's house down one time...but she's developmentally disabled. Do I have to tell all my suitors about that? Does it make a difference that she's adopted so at least there's no genetics involved? Or that I don't want kids anyway?
What is your real concern here?
Exactly.
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